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Posted on 08/01/2004 4:58:01 PM PDT by nuconvert
Bring Back the Hate -- and Some Cockroaches
By DAVE BARRY
BOSTON -- John Kerry accepted the Democratic nomination Thursday night in a triumphant convention climax marred only slightly by the fact that, because of a mix-up at the security checkpoint, he had to deliver his entire acceptance speech with a police dog clamped to his thigh.
Nevertheless, Kerry gave a solid speech expressing the clear, confident message: ''I, Too, Am an Undecided Voter.'' This message was calculated to appeal to undecided voters, who, according to the polls, still aren't sure who, exactly, John Kerry is; or where he stands on the issues; or whether he is, in fact, a carbon-based life form.
The speech ended with the traditional ''balloon drop,'' which was slightly less festive than usual because the balloons, for security reasons, were not inflated. (A Secret Service spokesperson explained: ``Air contains nitrogen, which we have reason to believe is a chemical.'')
Was Kerry's speech effective? Pollsters who've been tracking undecided voters are reporting today that, quote, ''They were all watching Seinfeld reruns.'' The TV ratings for this convention, like those of all recent political conventions, have been horrible. If they want people to watch these things, they're going to have to start making the speakers eat live cockroaches or something. I'm just thinking out loud here.
The big problem with this particular convention, from an entertainment standpoint, was that the speakers weren't allowed to talk about the one issue the Democrats all feel strongly about, which is how much they hate George W. Bush. Party leaders, wanting to keep the message positive, censored the harsh anti-Bush rhetoric from the speeches, which meant that the speakers had to go with subtle innuendo:
SPEAKER: . . . and THAT, my fellow Democrats, is why we must defeat this lying fascist criminal war-mongering scum-sucking vermin toad, who, in the interest of remaining positive, I am not going to mention by name.
Another reason this convention lacked excitement is that the protesters dropped the ball. Their traditional role is to make giant incomprehensible puppets, then take to the streets and skirmish with the police, so that we in the media can write our traditional insightful stories contrasting the Carefully Staged Production inside the convention with the Angry Disorder outside. But hardly any protesters showed up here, so we were left with only the hard-core wackmeisters, who spent their days in the sad little Official Protest Zone, bellowing over the public-address system to an audience consisting of other wackmeisters waiting their turn to speak.
This convention did uphold one sacred tradition: The Tradition of the Disgruntled Local Business people. When politicians want to bring a political convention to a city, they always tell the local business people that it will pour a huge imaginary amount of money -- like eleventy hillion jillion dollars -- into the local economy. The local business people always believe this, so they stock up and add staff, and then when the convention arrives, they get zero customers. The locals don't spend money because they've left town to avoid the convention, and the convention people don't spend because they're busy attending free convention parties featuring Ben Affleck.
So the business people are unhappy, but other than that, this was a successful convention in which the Democrats conveyed their message to the nation, or at least that part of the nation that was actually in the FleetCenter. Now it's the Republicans' turn, as they prepare for their convention in New York City, with the official theme: ''We Hope to God Nothing Happens.'' I'll be there, assuming I get this dog off my leg.
"undecided voters, who, according to the polls, still aren't sure who, exactly, John Kerry is; or where he stands on the issues; or whether he is, in fact, a carbon-based life form."
LOL
Kerry gave a solid speech expressing the clear, confident message: ''I, Too, Am an Undecided Voter.''
Darn.
I did a search for these.
Thanks
Nevertheless, Kerry gave a solid speech expressing the clear, confident message: ''I, Too, Am an Undecided Voter.''
John kerry, almost as good as a jelly doughnut.
Ja, ich bin ein unentschiedener Stimmberechtigter!
Did you realize that al Qerry was a Vietnam veteran?
He was in country for 14 weeks and won 5 medals that he threw away in protest of his being a war criminal. I'm sure the major networks covered it in detail.
I agree--if this hadn't be reposted, I would have missed it.
Enough reason for you?
If you'd like - you may read a little and learn before popping off.
Other than that I can only suggest you FOAD, newbie.
Particularly when some of us aren't here every moment and miss posts that don't get bumped by the time we get here.
I thought the best coverage came from the "Daily Show" on Comedy Central. I normally never watch it, but Friday night's recap was a scream! One of the "reporters" cornered Tucker Carlson and asked him, "How many people did you have to f*** to be here?" Tucker replied, "A lot of people." The intro was hilarious. Something like, "Welcome to the 2004 Democratic Convention--featuring...black people!(with a revolutionary war style graphic of smiling black people in tri-corner hats) Labor unions! (with a revolutionary war style graphic of a man lounging on a bench smoking a pipe) and Godless Sodomites!" (with a revolutionary war style graphic of two smiling men with their arms around each other)
Erklärte ich Ihnen, daß ich in Vietnam war?
LOL! Great article! I also got a new word out of it: "wackmeisters." I think it will be quite useful.
Dave Barry's a crack up, just wondering how his health is these days. Thanks for posting, again, I guess.
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