Posted on 03/10/2023 6:34:15 PM PST by SamAdams76
Commuter trains are how most Americans commute in the really big cities.
The top three commuter train systems in the United States are in the New York City Metro area.
1. Long Island Railroad (118 million annual riders)
2. New Jersey Transit Rail (88 million annual riders)
3. Metro North Railroad (86 million annual riders)
Next closest is the Chicago Metra System (67 million annual riders)
It drops precipitously from there.
So basically, New York City dominates, and I mean dominates, commuter rail in the USA. It is not even close. I mean, you have 400 plus individual stations to commute out of. And that doesn’t even include the nearly 500 subway stations on the world’s largest subway system in NYC.
Recently, the LIRR (Long Island Railroad) opened a new terminal under Grand Central. It’s pretty amazing how deep under the ground it goes. Grand Central now has FOUR underground levels of trains. Two for the Metro North (that serves Connecticut and upstate NY) and two for the Long Island commuters.
To get to the LIRR tracks at Grand Central, you first take an escalator (or stairs) from the Grand Concourse to the underground dining area (where the lower level of Metro North train tracks are). Then you take another escalator down to the LIRR area where it opens up into another large concourse that stretches six city blocks (from 42nd to 48th streets). From there, you take this incredibly long escalator (actually one of about 18 of them) that bring you very far underground - about a three minute ride. Even then, you need to take ANOTHER escalator down to the lower level LIRR tracks. (The other level of LIRR tracks requires a short escalator up).
This is just one new cog in what is the most massive commuter rail system in the United States.
Now there are certain protocols you must follow when riding NYC area commuter trains. They are not published. You just learn from experience.
For example, consider the plight of the women who ride these trains.
The commuter trains have three-seaters on one side and two-seaters on the opposite side.
How to navigate the three seaters? The unwritten protocol is that the middle seat on the three-seater sided never gets filled unless the train is utterly crowded. Typically the inside (window) seat gets filled first by either a man or a woman. For the inside window seat of a three seater is the most prime seat on commuter rail as you are almost guaranteed an empty middle seat between you and the passenger riding the outside seat and you can scrunch up to the window as opposed to having people walking down the aisle banging into your elbows and such. The downside is if you are getting off the train before the person in the outer seat, in which case you have to get their attention and get them to stand up in the aisle so you can move past them.
The outer seat on a three-seater is next to get filled. Typically if a woman occupies the inside seat, a woman will quickly fill the outer seat because most women do not feel comfortable sitting next to a strange man. Even if an empty middle seat separates them. The men on the other hand seem to be oblivious to the gender who occupies the inside window seat. They just plop themselves down whenever there is an available outer three-seater, when no inside seats are available. Girls will reluctantly take the outer seat opposite a man only if there are no other more viable options.
The middle seat on the three seater, as I said, almost always remains empty. But on certain peak-hour rides, those middle seats will start getting filled. The first middle seats that get filled are when women are occupying the outer seats. For either gender feels most comfortable squeezing between two females.
But when two men occupy the outer seats, only women are really welcome to fill that middle seat. For two men typically do not appreciate another man squeezing in between them where thighs, elbows, and such may touch.
When two women are in the outer seats, they really do not appreciate a man squeezing between them but I’ve done it on occasion as it is preferable to squeezing between two other men. Sorry ladies but I do prefer your close company to that of men.
The two-seaters on the opposite aisle have a completely different protocol. For on more crowded trains, you are virtually assured of having a seat mate. The men rather aggressively take the outer seat, literally challenging another passenger to ask them to squeeze in next to them. Women will compliantly take the inner seat, hoping that it is a woman that sits next to them in the outer. Though if I am entering a crowded train, I will almost always select an empty seat next to a female on a two seater as again, I hate sitting in such close proximity to another man if I can help it. Plus, women tend to smell much better and are less likely to overspill into my seat because they are usually smaller.
Overweight people by the way are virtually assured of not getting a seat mate on a two seater, nor will anybody want to take the middle seat of a three seater when an overweight person is on one of the outer seats.
Eating food on a commuter train is absolutely frowned upon. Nobody wants to sit next to a passenger making smacking sounds while eating food, even it if is just a snack bar or a bag of peanuts. It’s just gross.
Even worse are those commuting neophytes who brazenly take onboard hot food like an egg and bacon sandwich or a burger and fries from the Shake Shack and Grand Central, as what happened to me last week. The smell is absolutely disgusting as well. Smells travel really well on trains by the way. You can smell a slice of pizza six rows up or down.
Don’t eat on a commuter train. Just don’t.
Drinking on the other hand is perfectly acceptable. So long as you keep your drink under control at all times. Do not sit your drink on the seat next to you or eventually the train will lurch, spilling the drink all over the seat and floor, making a nasty mess. The conductor will hate you. Your fellow passengers will hate you. Just don’t do it.
Did you know that drinking alcoholic beverages are perfectly acceptable no NYC commuter train? No conductor checking your ticket will ever give you a hard time if you are sipping on a beer or (plastic) glass of wine. Never bring glass on board however as that is an accident waiting to happen. Also, realize that alcohol on board is really for the evening commute. Don’t be the guy drinking a beer on the morning commute.
Every other car on a commuter train features a lavatory. These are fairly disgusting. Men can safely use them to pee, as we can pee just about anywhere. Women should really try to hold it until they get to where they are going. Even with three layers of toilet paper, you don’t want to sit on one of those things. Plus the sink almost never works so when you come out of there, we can safely assume you were not able to wash your hands properly.
Don’t put your empty beer cans in the lavatory sink. Even though the sink doesn’t work, it’s still rude and low class. You will never find a proper trash receptacle on a train. Just save your empties as every station features ample trash receptacles, many with a circular opening to slide your empty cans into.
It is fascinating to watch how the conductors work these trains. They check your tickets between stations (usually on a phone these days) and then punch a piece of cardboard with numbers on it and slip it into a pouch on the seat in front of you, slanted a certain way. Once done, they will never ask you for your ticket again. Even if you move to another seat. They just memorize who you are. And they always know who the newcomers on a train are and will ask for their ticket.
Conductors on a commuter train typically deal with a lot of nonsense from passengers and I’ve never seen them lose their cool. However, if you mess with one, you are virtually guaranteed that at the next stop, police will board the train and take you off. They have a magical way not only of summoning the police but having the police know where precisely the troublemaker is sitting when they board it.
People love to complain about the trains but after years of riding them, I have almost never had a major hassle. They are almost always on time and get you where you need to go. The ticket apps that you can put on your smartphone these days are pretty amazing. You can track the approaching trains and see how many cars they have as well as the percentage of empty seats in each car (they calculate this by weight apparently). This allows you to position yourself on the platform so that the doors of the most empty car usually open right in front of you, allowing you first dibs on the choicest available seats. This level of detail is only attained by train geeks and I am one of them. Whatever happened to Willie Green?
Only time I rode a double-decker commuter train was on the Metra in Chicago. I did like the experience of being higher up. You got a better view of things.
Years ago the LIRR they had double-deckers on some lines.
All gone now as far as I know.
Still, not like it was in the good old days when I had to get there early to get a parking spot at all.
I’ve always enjoyed your comments about the NYC trains and this article is very informative.
I especially did not know that imbibing on the afternoon/evening trains is OK. That probably makes the whole trip more tolerable for some.
And I can definitely see why eating on the trains would not be cool.
There are several days a year when alcohol is banned on NYC commuter rails. St Patrick's Day, SantaCon weekend (when a bunch of people dressed as Santa Clause go bar-hopping in NYC), and on New Year's Eve.
I guess on those days, people do enough drinking in the city itself.
We used to have a conductor who, when announcing the station, would holler, “ South Amboy! First watering hole on the JEERRRSEY SHORE!” There was a 5 minute delay for the required engine change ( electric to diesel). Folks would scurry over to the nearest bar and grab a six for the remaining trip.
Excellent post.
Used to take the LIRR when they sold food on the trains. If the train was crowded, like on a Sunday evening back to New York, there were people squeezing their way past you to get to the food car.
One time, on the way out to the beach with kids, we had to walk through a second train “horizontally” to get to a third train, the one we needed, on another track. The kiddies loved that!
Some years back we were on a Metro North train from Grand Central to Connecticut that had an actual bar car. But that train was an old one and they've since gotten newer cars and I've yet to see a bar car in any of the newer ones.
There's also a scene from a funny,but not particularly famous,film called April Fools...which starred Jack Lemmon.It was on a Metro North train to Connecticut that had a bar car.
I could never be in such close proximity to strangers. Not for a million dollars. And certainly not for more than a minute or so. The busses, trains, and planes I used to take (out west) were uncrowded to the point that a passenger was seated every three rows or so, if even that. And that seemed close to maximum tolerable density. Very, very, rarely did I ever have to share a row of seats.
We used to play games with the Long Island railroad conductors back in the 70s. A crew of about 10 guys from my neighborhood had season Ranger tickets and would take the LIRR home after the games. From Penn Station, we only went to the first stop, Woodside.
We would wait on the platform until just before the doors closed so we could scope out where the conductors were entering the train. Then we would board keeping as far away from the conductors as possible. Usually there were too many passengers for the conductor to get to us by the time the doors opened at our stop.
Then they got wise. They were ready to ambush us!
Once The train started moving, four conductors got out of their seats, put on their hats and started punching tickets and collecting fares in our car.
That trip they got us!
The next week It happened again, but we were ready for them.
As the conductors got up and put on their hats, the $100 bills came out! Being unable to count out the appropriate change quickly, the fare was less than $3 IIRC, many of us escaped once the doors opened.
The ambush conductors, who we later learned were just dead heading home to the Island, gave up. There were no hard feelings.
The Woodside Crew had prevailed!!!
Sometimes on a very crowded train, the conductor will just never get to me before my stop. Or I think sometimes they give up in frustration when they can't even get down the aisle through all the people standing up.
That's why I won't activate my e-ticket until the conductor is upon me. They always say on loudspeakers at the stations to activate your tickets before boarding the train but only the rookies actually do that. I purchase 10 and 20-trips so try to make them last as long as possible.
Another trick was to head to the lavatory when the conductor entered your car. Then when he passed by, leave and move to car he was just in. I never tried that one but heard about it.
I don't think these tricks are as easy these days as they have "eyes in the sky" in every car. I'm sure those can be viewed in real time by the train staff.
Also, I'm sure they train conductors to change their routines each trip to catch people like your Woodside Crew!
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