Posted on 02/10/2022 3:48:43 AM PST by sodpoodle
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who didn't....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, '
No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the province of B.C. laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
HOT COFFEE ... OOPS!
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”.
Without skipping a beat, she said, “It’s President’s Day!”.
She’s smart, so I asked her “What does President’s Day mean?”.
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.
She replied, “President’s Day is when President Biden steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have
3 more years of Bull Shit.”
You know, it really does hurt when hot coffee spurts out your nose!☕🥵
Reminds me ...
I had to work late one night, so ended up with my daughter being picked up late and us eating out with my boss.
There was a meeting at the restaurant of some men’s club and you could tell by the laughter that they’d had a bit to drink.
One recognized my boss and came over to say hello. He gave me a compliment, then told my 3 year old how very pretty she was. She was having none of it.
“What beautiful hair and what beautiful blue eyes you have,” he said for the third time.
“Well,” she said rather loudly, “my eyes may be blue but my nipples are black!”
I had to wipe the coffee up from my desk after that one! Damn' that was funny!!!
Sorry for being dense, but what does that mean?
No prob. She confused “pupils.”
These were written by men. Women aren’t generally that obsessed with genitalia.
Detroit, station WDIV. It was 1995 and “Toy Story” was the big thing for Christmas toys. One reporter was holding up a Buzz Lightyear doll, and a Mr. Potato head. Without skipping a beat, longtime anchor Carmen Harlan turns to the other reporter and says “did you get a Woody?”
Stunned silence, a few smirks, and then- commercial break.
Laughed my ass off!
CC
Got it. Thx.
I was attending the graveside service / funeral of an aunt quite a long time ago. It was one of those hot, humid Texas afternoons, and my poor grannie—my aunt’s sister-in-law, needed me to help her hike all the way down off a grassy rolling hill in the heat to the parlor. Help her find the Ladies facilities, make sure she was ok. Grannie was a tough old bird but her messed up hip made things tough right back at her.
So I seated myself on a bench in the lobby and rested as well from the scorcher going on outside, keeping to myself and looking around at this dismal place. If they were trying to impute any semblance of peace or hope, it wasn’t working; I fully expected Lurch to come out of the chapel at any moment.
So, when Grannie was wandering around in the lobby looking at pictures on the wall and drinking water, I noticed something sauntering towards me. It was a bit over middle-age woman in a skirt and blouse and dress jacket and heels. Dragging a coffin and a measuring tape behind her. No, I’m kidding in that part. But the whole funeral parlor stalking saunter was right there.
And then she stops right in front of me, and says, “Hello. May I ask you something?” And then oozes on down to a seat next to me. “Okaaayy…” I said both inwardly and outwardly, holding my Stetson on my lap.
The woman continued her, well, weird gaze at me, and inquired, “Do you own property?”
Without skipping a beat I replied, “No Ma’am, I rent.” And seriously here, I wasn’t trying to be cute, sarcastic, play a joke. I really meant it. Currently I was renting a duplex to be closer to my job.
Pin-drop quiet. The lady looked at me, said “Oh,” her expression turned to one of an embarrassed Peanuts character, and then she slowly stood but there was a bit more pep in her step as her 5’4” frame made a beeline for some side office door and disappeared within.
I thought before I spoke but she didn’t think before she asked….a 22-year-old brushpopper and fence runner that had already spent the earlier part of the day doing just that. And just like any other young cowboy that age, nothing could be further from my mind about buying a hole but rather setting an end post in one.
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