Posted on 11/20/2021 9:42:27 AM PST by upchuck
1 After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”
“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t died, mine would have had to!”
h/t Grouchy Old Cripple
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2 Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."
St. Peter said, "You can enter."
The second doctor said "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves."
St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."
St. Peter said, "You can come in, too." But, as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that you go to hell.
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3. One day Air Force One crashed on a farm. Quickly the FBI came to investigate. They knew there were no survivors. They looked frantically through the wreckage to try and find the president's body but it was nowhere to be found. Maybe the president hadn't died. Maybe he had gotten out and went to get some help.
In the next field over, there was a farmer plowing his field like nothing had even happened. They quickly ran over to him.
FBI agent: "Excuse me Sir, did you see that plane crash over there?"
Farmer: Yessiree, I certainly did.
FBI agent: Did you see anyone get up and walk away?
Farmer: Nope, I buried them all this morning. Didn't wantem stinkin' up the place.
FBI agent: Did you realize the President was on that plane?
Farmer: Yep, buried him too.
FBI agent: You buried the president?
Farmer: Well he kept saying he was still alive but you know what a liar he is!
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3 Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
Moral: Don't Mess With Old Ladies.
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4 I'm opening up a new restaurant called "Karma". There will be no menus — you get what you deserve.
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5 When cashing out at the convenience store last night, it was obvious that my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under his breath.
I'm still not sure if I like self-checkout.
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6 Some Will Rodgers political quotes:
“The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.”
“The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.”
“If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?”
“A fool and his money are soon elected.”
“Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth. ”
“If stupidity got us in this mess, how come it can't get us out.”
“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”
“The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.”
“The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.”
“The problem ain't what people know. It's what people know that ain't so that's the problem.”
“There are men running governments who shouldn't be allowed to play with matches.”
“Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're actually paying for.”
“What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.”
“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.”
“Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.”
“There is no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”
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7 A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The manager asked, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 .... 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 .... 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 .... 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 .... 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 .... and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
The manager replied, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
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8 I found out that our dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so I took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell me that, if I wanted to keep this from recurring, I should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
So I went to the pharmacy and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told me, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
I said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.” I replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist thought about it for a minute and said, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”
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9 Scientist: "My findings are totally meaningless if taken out of context."
Social Media: "Scientist claims findings are totally meaningless."
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10 A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer said, "What's your name son?"
He replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
The officer looked at him suspiciously and said, “Oh, do you stutter?”
The guy replied, “No sir, my dad stutters and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an a$$hole.”
Prayers for you and your husband.
Thank you.
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