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1 After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.” “Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t died, mine would have had to!” h/t Grouchy Old Cripple ------ 2 Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up...

New Jersey Crazy Law It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. You may not slurp your soup. If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates. It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. On a highway you can not park under a bridge. Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday. You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only. Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street. It is...

A 24-year-old Turkish woman who lost both of her arms and legs after catching a life-threatening blood illness is hoping for a rare double-arm transplant to improve her life, according to reports. Dental technician Beyza Dogan contracted meningococcal meningitis while living in Cologne, Germany, four years ago, the UK’s Mirror reported. Her kidneys collapsed due to blood poisoning and she ended up having all four limbs amputated.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied....

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Julie ..... Julie" "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in...

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice. #2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit. #3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off. #4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work. #5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.” #6 - “On time” is when you get there. #7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound. #8 - It...

1.Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over. 2.I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 3.I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. 4.My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. 5.I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed. 6.My boss told me to have a good day.. so...

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes...

1. I was standing at the bar of at an international airport when this small Chinese guy came in, stood next to me, and started drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you happen to know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" He said "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?" "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick !" 2.JACK DANIELS TRICK A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband's temper. The counselor asks, "What's the problem?...

GETTING OLDER A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.." *********************** An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked...

A pleasant break from our national nightmare news.

Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them...

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a...

Police here are warning of a new hallucinogenic drug authorities say has begun circulating the St. Louis area. St. Louis County police say the synthetic drug known as "N-Bomb" has been linked to deaths in other parts of the country including California, Louisiana, Minnesota, North Dakota and Virginia. The drug, sometimes also called "Smiles" is known as N-Bomb for its chemical compositions, 2C-1-NBOMe or 251NBOMe, and can be extremely potent and dangerous, police say. Police say the liquid drug is often called "legal acid" and is derived from mescaline. Users typically take the drug by ingesting blotter paper soaked with...

Witnesses described the 17-year-old boy as "shaking, growling, foaming at the mouth." According to police reports, Elijah Stai was at a McDonald's with his friend when he began to feel ill. Soon after, he "started to smash his head against the ground" and began acting "possessed," according to a witness. Two hours later, he had stopped breathing

With his approval rating dropping to historic lows, unemployment at an epic high and the Dow closing in the gutter, President Barack Obama is cutting his losses and taking a few days off. The president will be staying with his family at the Blue Heron Farm, a sprawling, $50,000-per-week estate with plenty of room for staff and Secret Service agents accompanying him on the trip. Mr Obama boarded Air Force One with First Dog Bo on Thursday as a new poll showed a startling loss in the commander-in-chief's favourability before he heads to Martha's Vineyard.

Results of a new study suggest that women are less sexually attracted to men who smile, further cementing the axiom that nice guys finish last. The study found that women were least attracted to smiling, happy men, preferring those who looked proud and powerful or moody and ashamed. On the other hand, men were most sexually attracted to women who looked happy, and least attracted to women who appeared proud and confident. The study, published Tuesday in the journal Emotion, is the first to show that women are sexually attracted to a brooding hulk, while men are sexually attracted to...

COB ADDER — A groggy little boy looks up from his mother’s lap. The presence of American Soldiers in his room is certainly not expected. His face brightens a bit after he and his mother receive small bags of treats from the Americans. A mother and her 4-year-old son rest together in a recovery room following surgery to repair the boy’s cleft pallet, June 26, 2010. The surgery was performed at a mobile medical treatment facility on Contingency Operating Base Adder by volunteer doctors from Smile Train Italia. U.S. Army photo by 1st Lt. Patrick Wilson.His recovery room is actually...

As readers of The Up Blog know, I don’t write many personal posts mentioning my life or family. But before you view what will be one of the most inspirational videos you ever watch (if you enjoy humor and sappiness), I wanted to fill you in an a few details that caused me to find it. My wife and I are church planters. We have dedicated our life to helping people know Jesus. We befriend many people who have felt rejected at church and decided to leave. We have gathered these new friends into “Bible Study” ” Better Man” “Better...

KABUL, Afghanistan, March 20, 2009 – Special operations troops here delivered gifts from Americans to Afghans that some say are as important as their combat missions. A young Afghan girl proudly stands with her new bag of school supplies, clothing and toys given to her by troops of the Combined Joint Special Operations Task Force Afghanistan. The troops stopped by a Bagram elementary school to deliver the gifts March 15, 2009. U.S. Army photo by Capt. Jamey Trigg   (Click photo for screen-resolution image);high-resolution image available. “We are in Afghanistan to rebuild the country and, in my opinion, we need...