Posted on 10/16/2020 8:15:41 AM PDT by Colonial35
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now - in her 80’s - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
A man comes home from work one day and finds his wife packing all her clothes
into suitcases. “What are you doing?” he asks.”
“I’m leaving you and moving to Las Vegas,” she says.
“Why?” he asks.
His wife replies, “I found out that in Las Vegas I can make $400 for what I’ve
been giving you for free.”
The man drags out a suitcase and begins packing his own clothes into it.
“What are YOU doing?” his wife asks.
“I’m coming with you,” he replies.
“I want to see you try living on $800 a year.”
As it’s no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic
minority, try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk,
an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian,
a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli,
a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian,
a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and
an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai. “
Four long-time friends were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how
nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an
argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it!...We’ll make it a priority;
figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a
diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off.”
The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the
cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have
lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this
golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe,
Merry Christmas!...It’s a great morning — intercourse or golf course?”
She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”
Welfare Office
A woman walks into the downtown Harrisburg welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
‘WOW,’ the social worker exclaims, ‘are they all yours?”
‘Yep, they are all mine,’ the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question
a thousand times before.
She says, ‘Sit down Leroy.’ All the children rush to find seats.
Well,’ says the social worker, ‘then you must be here to sign up.
I’ll need all your children’s names.’
Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.
In disbelief, the case worker says, ‘Are you serious? They’re ALL named Leroy?’
Their momma replied, ‘Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it’s time to get them out
of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Leroy!’ An’ when it’s time for dinner,
I just yell ‘Leroy!’ An they all comes a running.
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Leroy’
and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Leroy.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says
tentatively, ‘But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?’
‘Then I call them by their last names..’
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THERE THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS
RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A
METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY
FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,
so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the
funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
“I never seen nothing like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years.”
Apparently I’m still lost....it’s a man thing
Today I had to go to Sears.
As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.
The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, “I’m not handicapped!”
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!
“Oh, I’m sorry” I said. “I saw your Biden bumper sticker and just assumed that you
suffered from a mental disorder.”
She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don’t appreciate it when you’re just trying to help them out!
Hooray! Happy Friday Y’all!
That is beautiful.
Roy Rogers was more than a movie and TV actor/cowboy. He really did run many head of cattle on his ranch with his wife, Dale Evans, a country western super star singer .
When he wasn’t filming, he’d get up early and work the cattle with his hired hands. Being a celebrity, he could afford expensive saddles, horses and, of course, hand-made boots. Now you and I might save boot like these for special occasions, but Roy wore these just like a daily pair. In fact, he just got a new pair of custom boots with wonderful stitching and his initials embroidered in the leather. They were works of art!
The first day he wore these boots, and with his day’s work done, he rode into the yard, tied up Trigger and took off his boots before entering the house for the hearty dinner Dale prepared. Hardly any sooner than he sat down for his vittles, there was a great commotion on the porch. Roy jumped up and ran to the window only to see a mountain lion grab up his new boots and brazenly run off with them. This did not stand well with Roy!
“Gosh darn it Dale! That dang cougar took my new boots. I’m going to get that gol darn thing! Hold dinner for me”, he said. Roy and his side kick, Pat Brady, saddled up and rode off into the sunset looking for the puma.
An hour later, he comes riding back into the ranch yard. There’s Dale, at the kitchen sink doing the night’s dishes, looking out the window, when she sees that large cat slung over the shoulders of Trigger and a happy Roy, with his new boots back. Being a gifted singer, (here it comes!) she sang out to Roy as he rode in “Pardon me Roy! Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”
“THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.”
BOOOOOO! lol.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry all of this.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why, thank you very much,” he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, “Let’s take a short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
**
As part of his weekly supermarket shop, a man went to the meat counter to buy a pack of boneless chicken breasts but was disappointed because they were all too small.
So he complained to the butcher and she promised to pack up some more and to have them ready for him by the time he had finished his shopping.
He continued with the rest of his shopping until a few aisles further on, he heard her voice boom out over the public address system:
“Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”
**
A woman decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.She told the artist, “Paint me with 3 carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant.”
“But ma’am, you are not wearing any of those things.”
“I know,” she said. “My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I’m sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”
That made me snort.
In the days of old, when Knights were bold, ladies were taken to the tournaments. They excitedly dressed in their finest finery to see and to be seen. It was my honor to escort the lady Geneva, the sister of the duke to the event.
She was not too well versed on just exactly what was transpiring but was eager to choose a champion and to wager the 50 florins in her purse. I carefully explained the jousting course and how the knights rode towards each other, lances lowered to unhorse their opponent.
We reviewed the warriors. There was Sir Geffery Dilandsworth wearing the gleaming armor and carrying the shield with the distinctive blue and white checkered shield. There was Sir Albert Truan in the black armor and a green pennant of Vaud rippling from his lance, there was Sir Gilbane De Valier, lord of St Gelbert manor on the huge gray charger and there was Sir Zagnoc Miclicokye Earl of the Chech barony in the wonderful red chain mail mantle over his shoulders Aegis like.
After the first round, half were eliminated and so it went till there were only 6 left. My lady, a thrifty sort still had her florins and was deciding how best to wager. She cried out to Sir Albert and waved her lace kerchief and then pointed to the bold knight and swooned “Is that Sir Zagnoc with the pretty shield”?’
“Of course not “ I responded……”How many times must I tell you, The chech’s in the mail”
Another good one. You are on your “A” game today!
Word got around and the local TV station thought they'd do a human interest story on her. These sorts the news stories usually were assigned to newest reporters as they were thought to be “fluff” stories and often got bumped if there was some more pressing news to report.
The young reporter and her production crew went to the elderly couple's house and started the interview. She was determined to turn the story into something that surely wouldn't get bumped.
“So Mrs Smith, how are you able to forecast the weather so accurately?”, the reporter asked.
“Oh my dear,” said the sweet lady. “That's simple. I get out of bed before my husband Edgar. While he's still asleep, I pull down the covers and take a look at “it”. If "it" is laying on his left side, it will be a sunny day. And if “it” is laying on his right side, rain is coming.”
The young reporter sensed a “gotcha” moment, certain this would get her story on air “And (she winked, with a smirk), what happens if “it” is in the middle?”
“Dear child, that is simple. If “it” is in the middle, I get back into bed!”
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.