Posted on 09/11/2020 4:22:38 AM PDT by Colonial35
A lawyer with a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. He was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said that he had 12 children no one would rent a home to him, because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn’t say that he had no children, because he couldn’t lie; we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right — the agent asked: “How many children do you have?” He answered: “Twelve.” The agent asked, “Where are the others?” The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered, “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.” MORAL: It’s not necessary to lie. One only has to choose the right words. Don’t forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.
1 – Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
2 – “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
3 – You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pi$$ing you off.
4 – Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
5 – The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down.
I’ll remember it.”
6 – “On time” is when you get there.
7 – Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
8 – It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes,
then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
9 – Lately, You’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.
10 – Growing old should have taken longer.
11 – Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.
12 – You still haven’t learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
And one more:
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
I finally got around to going fishing this mornin but after a while
I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth,
and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident,
and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon.
“The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God no!” cries the man “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm.
I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the
golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved,
I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting
landscapes in watercolors.”
“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant
was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, just one problem,” said the golfer. “Every time I get an erection,
I also get a headache.”
All you need to know about bats! The newsletter from,
“The Texas Gardener Seeds” said:
Put up a bat house to encourage the presence of these shy animals.
Bats consume 3,000 or more mosquitoes and other insects nightly,
and bats are less likely to be rabid than dogs are.
Need another reason? Bats are responsible for up to 95 percent
of the seed dispersal essential to the regeneration of forests.
Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures.
Here are three from the Bat Family...
Sucker-footed Bat
Red-Winged Fruit Bat
Left-Winged Socialist Ding Bat If we could just train him to eat mosquitoes
or do SOMETHING useful!
I feel like a VALEDICTORIAN !!!!!
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said “May I have large bills, please”
She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.”
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the
company due to ‘downsizing,’
Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
To request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
From Kingman , KS
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had ice-burg lettuce.
From Kansas City
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes, I know,
but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry
but we could not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.
I work well with others as long as they leave me alone.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did
not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, ‘NO, it’s not..’ Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used Sears repair since.
When my wife and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply:
‘I know. I already got that side.’
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS
Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, so he replied:
“Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”
There was a small silence on the line for a moment . ..
Father O’Malley then replied:
“Aye, ‘tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,
in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in.
I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’... he didn’t seem upset in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’
When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,
then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Getting to grips with the New Technology.
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if
I could borrow a newspaper.
‘This is the 21st century, old woman,’ he said.
‘We don’t waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my I Pad.’
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.
Play golf . . .
A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Elizabeth, a “beautiful” real golfer who lived in a villa on the
golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
“Hey, are you okay, what’s your name?”
“Willis,” he replied.
“Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered,
“but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Aw come on,” Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
“Well okay,” Willis finally agreed,
And added, “but my wife won’t like it.”
After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons,
Willis thanked his host.
“I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing.
By the way, where is she?”
“Under the cart!”
I was at Walmart, buying a bag of Purina Dog Chow for my dog,
in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Why else would I be buying dog food, right?
So on impulse, I told her that I didn’t have a dog, but I was starting
the Purina Diet again and that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up
in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened
in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is
load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no.
I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s butt and a car hit me.
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