Posted on 07/10/2020 8:19:41 AM PDT by Colonial35
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I’m a gynecologist.” Then the proctologist fainted.
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“Have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay.
You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks,
“If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00am?
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says.
“For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching
our testicles. No point in you coming in for that.
Sicilian relaxation technique — it works!
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a seven step stress
management technique used traditionally in Sicily. It really works!
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out
over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the
face of Nancy Pelosi, the person you are holding underwater.
There! See? It really does work. You’re smiling already.
Funny Slogans
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale....... Cheap...........no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.
(they will look for you..)
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading .
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn’t Need Glasses...
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off.
Sign In A Bar:
‘Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do
Pay In Advance.’
Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don’t Stand In Her Way.
Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions.
Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.
Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone.
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign At A Barber’s Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.
A Traffic Slogan:
Don’t Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough
Or Else They Will Never Be.
Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.
Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window:
Don’t Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother !
Exhausted and ill from the effort of enacting the Obama healthcare plan,
an elderly Senator goes to the doctor. Doctor says,
“I have bad news, good news, and bad news, Senator.
The bad news is that you only have six months to live.
But the good news is that there’s an operation that is 100% successful
in curing this illness.” “That sounds great, Doctor,” says the Senator,
“but what’s the other bad news?” The Doctor replies,
“The Department of Health and Human Services says the first available slot
is seven months from today.”
UMBRELLA ... touching story
This wonderful story moved me to share it with you. Such a sweet and touching tale......
THE UMBRELLA - A TOUCHING STORY
On a rainy afternoon, a group of protesters were gathered outside the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the “evils” of America. I politely declined to take one.
There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder and in a patronizing voice said, “Don’t you care about the Black Lives Matter?”
The old woman looked up at her and said: “Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam All three died so a naive, ignorant, self-centered bimbo like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country, and if you touch me again, I’ll shove this umbrella up your ass and open it.”
Marking.
You think so?
Let me tell you - this food was not they best. IT WAS AWFUL!
Everyone knows that. Even the cottage cheese.
So stop trying to hide the good food - IT WON”T WORK!
End this!
I’ll be chuckling the rest of the day on that one.
Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give to me?”
“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people.”
Obama frowns “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen takes a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy.
You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. “Please send
Tony Blair in here, would you?”
Tony Blair walks into the room. “Yes, my Queen?”
The Queen smiles. “Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” says the Queen.
Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.
“Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” says Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.”
He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and recognizes Colin Powell’s shoes
in the next stall.
Biden asks Powell, “Colin! Can you answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?”
Colin Powell yells back, “That’s easy. It’s me!”
Biden smiles, and says, “Thanks!” Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It’s Colin Powell.”
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face,
“No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don’t waste on exercise.
Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer;
it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken
Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable)..
And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Ice Cream even better – everything Cow eats in one package!
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.
Beer also made of grain. All people who don’t drink unhappy – happy people
live longer so drink more. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street
than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.
In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.
You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added – must be better – like
fuel additive!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable!
It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on
nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture”
and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
4 ways out of this airplane...”
Pilot - “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.
Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land
it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
“Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted.”
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY.
To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one,
you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
“That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking.
I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault,
it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault.....it was the asphalt!”
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:
“We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement:
“We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”
You Don’t Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don’t even have
to like ‘em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots
back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because
she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,
my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for
the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said,
as we drove away. ‘That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her buttocks with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat
buttocks downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’
The cab driver hit a parked car.
SWA Flight Attendant: “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo. Pick a seat, cause we gotta go.”
True story. And yes she was fired. Racially insensitive.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.