Posted on 06/26/2020 8:05:17 AM PDT by Colonial35
Near Fredericksburg , Texas , where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand. The farmer shouted: “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.” Which means: (Don’t drink the water, the cows have sh** in it.) The man shouted back: “I’m from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama’s health care plan, I can’t understand you. Please speak in English.” The farmer replied: “Use two hands, you’ll get more.”
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon,
when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.
The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk
and hurls him far into the jungle.
“What did you do that for?” asks the crocodile.
The elephant answers, “That turtle was the one that bit me
almost fifty years ago.”
The crocodile says, “And you remembered him after all these years?
Boy, you sure do have a good memory.”
“Yep,” says the elephant. “Turtle recall.”
I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be President of the United States.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there.
So I asked her, “If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?”
She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”
Her parents beamed.
“Wow...what a worthy goal,” I told her. “But you don’t have to wait until
you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn,
pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I’ll pay you $50.
Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out,
and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in
the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over
and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”
I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.
Marking.
Good for a morning laugh!
LOL good one
OK, that’s a very good story.
It ain’t silly, but very good.
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished
patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s
mouth and place my privates inside. Then the gator will
close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth
and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing
this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and
placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the
man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on
the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man
removed his privates, unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was
delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay
anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell
over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
woman timidly spoke up, “I’ll try, but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
I like that one. It’s often the way things sound for real.
If it’s a California Comic, the ‘Wah-Wah’ should have a Spanish accent.
I heard a comedian say he talks through a bullhorn at the drive-thru.
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,”
as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying,
“Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays
it to the rancher. “See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!
No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?”
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the
DEA officer running for his life chased by the
rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull.......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer,
and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools,
runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs......
“Your badge! Show him your BADGE!
Thank you H.P. Lovecraft....
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very
pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started.
Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that
she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Clearly
while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and
get it on with the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped
and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and sadly she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing:
“I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone”
A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business.
Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation,
he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.
His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared
to be a great demand for the birds.
Not being satisfied with just selling the birds,
the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used.
He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers.
Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.
The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment,
technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers.
The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy.
There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were
becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors
to determine the nature of the illness.
It was discovered that without exception,
the workers had developed a severe case of ... “dye a rhea”.
AMA Health Care Plan
Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new
health care plan...
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised
not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said,
‘Oh, Grow up!’
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas,
and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision
up to the @holes in Washington.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments..
13. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
14. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering ‘What the heck happened?’
22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
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