Posted on 06/19/2020 7:25:11 AM PDT by Colonial35
Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar,” the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you.” Leroy replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?” Leroy says, “I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t til next Wednesday!”
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly
starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately
rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK,
but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” They ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.
A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying
to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is
from President Bushs’ home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a
southern drawl and single syllable words. As he was doing that,
he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy says, “Y’all havin’ some problem with them circle flies?”
Obama stopped talking and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they’re called,
but I’ve never heard of circle flies.”
“Well Sir,” the cowboy replies, “circle flies hang around ranches.
They’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse.”
“Oh,” Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later
he stops and bluntly asks, “Wait a minute, are you calling me a horse’s ass?”
“No, Sir,” the cowboy replies, “I have too much respect for the citizens of
this country to call their President a horses’ ass.”
“That’s a good thing,” Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
“Hard to fool them flies, though.”
So that’s what they were! Circle Flies! :-)
I went to the paint store to get thinner.
It didn’t work.
I got arrested last night.
Two jailers came in and said “It’s time for the strip search.”
I said “Okay, but I’m gonna need some music.”
Make sure the instrument is in tune.
Yesterday, I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Phil, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had; an elephant?
So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,
I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I
probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my ori fices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete
so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack
he was laughing so hard. Costco won’t let me shop there anymore..
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around,
scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently
been circumcised and was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did this and returned to class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with
his penis hanging out.
“I thought I told you to call your Mom!” she said.
“I did” he said, “and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunch time,
She’d come and pick me up from school”
Al Sharpton was in Sears.
He was there to protest the fact that most all of the washing machines were white.
So the clerk called the store manager, who asked,”What’s the problem here, Reverend?
Sharpton pointed at the machines and loudly bemoanedthe fact that most of them were white.
The manager replied, “Well, Reverend, it’s true that most of the washing machines
are white, but if you’ll open the lids, you’ll see that all the agitators are black.”
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm,
life isn’t always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn)
and reliable parenting (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned,
but overbearing, regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate,
teenagers suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
they had themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to
administer paracetamol, sun lotion or plaster to a pupil,
but could not inform the parents when a pupil became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home, but the burglar could sue you for assault because you
protected yourself and your own.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was
promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility and his son,
Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights,
Someone Else is to Blame, and I’m A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised that he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Author Unknown
Maybe I should be ashamed of myself;
but I’m not!
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the female (?) millennial
behind me leaned on her horn because I guess they thought I was taking too long
to place my order. “Take the high #$%ing road!” I thought to myself,
so when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I’d done, because as we moved up in line,
she leaned out her window, waved to me and mouthed “Thank you”,
obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
But when I got to the 2nd window,
I showed the window person both paid receipts and took off with her food with me too!
Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over again.
! Don’t you ever honk your horn at us old(er) people!
Beware of the humble martini,
have one or two at most.
Three, you’re under the table,
and four, you’re under your host!
These people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm and dry home, pet me, and take good care of me .....they must be gods.
___________
A cat thinks:
These people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm and dry home, pet me, and take good care of me ....I must be a god.
*****************
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
I’m WELL aware, LOL! :)
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