Posted on 05/01/2020 6:07:03 AM PDT by Colonial35
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money." The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a engineer monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Project Manager."
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes
and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break”? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a “Nazi.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him another bad name.”
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn’t care.
I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said “BIDEN 20.”
I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired.
It’s important to my health.
Now, I actually really like that one. ROFL...
Excellent!!
Good ones.
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night after they dropped him off from the bar. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a
big brass gong and a mallet.
“What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch this” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the
gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood
looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
“You a**hole..it’s three-fifteen in the morning!”
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men,
the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table three objects:
a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.
“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself,
“and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.”
If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and,
Lord, what a shame that would be.”
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house
whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed,
and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
“Lord have mercy,” the old man whispered, “he’s gonna be a Congressman!”
This is the Biden and Morning Joe live thread?
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.
“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.
“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.
“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.
“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.
“I want a root beer float,” said the second piggy.
“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” exclaimed the third little piggy.
“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter to the third little piggy,
“but why have you only ordered beer all evening?”
The third piggy says -
“Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,
“You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground
elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees,
49.09 minutes west longitude.”
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost.
Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “But how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going.
You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and now you expect Me to solve your problem.
You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met,
but somehow, now, it’s MY fault.
That joke worked better as originally told, engineering vs marketing.
I thought the dryer shrank my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator...
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said,
‘”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper,
but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered
when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
“You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.” Replied the widow,
“I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he always was.”
“That joke worked better as originally told, engineering vs marketing.”
When you have worked in government construction contracting as long as I have, it’s still pretty funny. I’ve already sent it to old engineers and contracting officers I know. :-)
This one from my friend Leo in NJ:
Bringing a Drunk Home
A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it’s possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, “We brought your husband home.”
The wife asks, “Where’s his wheelchair?”
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,
“How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied,
“I make $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed,
“Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”
From across the room came a voice,
“Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer
fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays,
full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary,
and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says,
“Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
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