Posted on 04/01/2020 8:02:38 PM PDT by DoodleBob
BEIJING—China has once again claimed no new deaths by coronavirus today, drawing praise from the American media.
President Xi Jinping made the extraordinary claim even as a peasant pushed a cart filled with dead bodies behind him, shouting, "Bring out your dead!" the entire time.
"No, no one is dead," President Xi assured the media. "We have completely cured everything." The communist dictator claimed they have cured the virus using sheep's bladders, which they also use to prevent earthquakes. His scientists also discovered the earth to be banana-shaped.
As he continued to claim everything is perfectly fine in China, the dead collector went from house to house collecting the dead behind him and even assisting when people were only mostly dead and not all dead.
"I said no one is dead!" President Xi insisted.
"He says no one's dead," the body collector said to his cart pusher.
"Well, he can't be trusted," the cart pusher replied. "He's not fooling anyone, you know."
The hapless peasants were then hit on the head with a club and loaded into the cart with the others.
"We apologize for the peasants pushing that cart that was absolutely not filled with bodies," President Xi said. "Those responsible have been sacked."
Love the more obscure HG references in the last three paragraphs.
He says he’s not dead. I can’t take him if he’s not dead, that’s against regulations!
Bring Out Your Dead
Post to me or FReep mail to be on/off the Bring Out Your Dead ping list.
The purpose of the “Bring Out Your Dead” ping list (formerly the “Ebola” ping list) is very early warning of emerging pandemics, as such it has a high false positive rate.
The false positive rate was 100%.
At some point we may well have a high mortality pandemic, and likely as not the “Bring Out Your Dead” threads will miss the beginning entirely.
*sigh* Such is life, and death...
If a quarantine saves just one child's or one old fart’s life, it's worth it.
He says he’s not dead. I can’t take him if he’s not dead, that’s against regulations!
Oy think Oy'll go for a wok...
I am actually watching Monty Oyyhon and the Holy Grail as I read this. LOL, that’s really funny!
Peasant Passes By Shouting ‘Bring Out Your Dead!’
I’ve found null and void to be a very peasant fellow.
I mean, ‘pleasant fellow’.
Oh, I’M the ‘peasant fellow’.
I get us confused. No you don’t. Yes he does.
I only argue with myself on days of the week ending in ‘y’ and every February 31st.
I’m not a pheasant plucker,
I’m only the pheasant plucker’s son...
On which day did you realize that COVID-19 is a high mortality pandemic?
Don’t know the exact date, I suspected it for a while, but when they started welding people into their apartment buildings, I was certain.
My perfect pot of pickled peppers has been purloined!
The wife was bemoaning to her husband as they sat home from church and had to watch it livestream one again, and how sad she is that she can’t go to church.
“Well, at least it isn’t yesterday.”
“What!?”
“That’s a Sadderday.”
Thank to you nully I (and many others) were ahead of the game and literally can survive this time far better and less anxious.
I sent some supplies to my brother, and he said “So I guess being out in Seattle you had a head start on the rest of us with dealing with this?”
“No, there’s a certain website I’m on, and when I heard about Wuhan getting shut down I jumped on it.”
Thanks again nully!
By the way, I was all prepped a week before the first person passed away in the Seattle area thanks to all of the freepers with great advice.
Oh, stop that! You’ll be stone dead any moment.
Please add me to your ping list. Thx.
Done! Welcome aboard, it’s a VERY busy list at the moment, I won’t be offended if you (or anyone else!) wants to be taken off. One can always ask to rejoin later when it’s back to whatever passes for normal...
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