Posted on 05/10/2019 4:06:21 AM PDT by sodpoodle
A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
HONESTLY
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron. ”
MATH LESSON
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four. ”
WHO’S YOUR DADDY
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not. ”
A PREDICTION
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too. ”
RESURRECTION
The minister started his Children's Sermon with a question, "Who knows what a Resurrection is?"
Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."
The pastor is still laughing.
REALITY
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said? ”
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Having to resort to jokes using vulgarity makes you no better than late night talk shows.
Thanks for the morning laughs.
God save us from sanctimonious twits
boooo the f hooooo
I always look forward to your posts. Keep up the good work.
Talking chicken made me laugh in an otherwise silent office. Oops.
I don't like late night talk shows either.....so I don't watch them.
If you are offended by sodpoodle's threads, why do you read them?
Thanks for your supportive comments - takes a lot of time to cut & paste the email material a dear friend sends me. I try hard to ignore the critics....
God bless.
No. Thank YOU for the smiles. As a grumpy, crippled old man, I appreciate them....and for anyone who doesn't like it
GET OFF MY LAWN!!
I just read some of these to my Son before he heads to school. He laughed. Thanks for that.
“Your tagline contains a swear word”
In his usage of the word it’s not a swear word.
It’s OK, these jokes are all over 21.
Appreciation bump!
Get a life.
“Your tagline contains a swear word”
In his usage of the word it’s not a swear word.
Preparation H will sooth the itching from those prickly situations.
“Preparation H will sooth the itching from those prickly situations”
How do you say Preparation H in Italian?
Innuendo
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