Posted on 02/16/2019 5:34:20 PM PST by blueunicorn6
Comes the time on your flight to Hawaii where they ask you that all important question.
“Is it faster by bus or by Schenectady?”
No. A good question, though.
“Are you trying to bring fruit into Hawaii?”
There are a lot of things that I worry about. Like,
“I wonder if the dogs ate the dog sitter?”
“If Joy Behar talked in a forest, and no one was there, would a tree fall over from the stupid?”
“How do chickens kiss?”
You know, big important stuff.
I have never worried about being called a “mule” for the big fruit cartels, but I was. By a flight contentment.
The head flight contentment started giving us a lecture about the evils of fruit smuggling. They are dead serious about not bringing criminal fruit into the nation of Hawaii.
They showed us this little slide show about how to recognize a fruit. There were slides of grapes and oranges and apples. It had been kind of a long flight with somebody’s little soccer star sitting behind me practicing his kicking skills, so I thought we could all use a little fun.
So I raised my hand.
Evidently, this was the first time anybody ever had a question about fruit, because the head flight contentment looked kind of shocked that I had raised my hand.
“You have a question?”, she asked.
“Yes”, I replied. “Is a pear a fruit?”
“Yes” came the reply.
“Then you’d better search this lady sitting next to me because I think she’s hiding a pair under her shirt. They might even be cantaloupes.”
My wife hit me so hard in the old gut that I said “Woof!”.
Turns out it’s also illegal to bring dogs to Hawaii.
The flight contentments made me sit in the toilet while they had a huddle to decide whether I was a dog or not. After about 15 minutes they came back and let me out of the toilet.
“We took a vote” said the head flight contentment, “And it’s 4-2 that you’re not a dog.”
My wife demanded a recount.
I snarled and walked back to my seat. They’re lucky I didn’t mark their little snack cart.
You have to sign a piece of paper promising that you aren’t sneaking criminal fruit into Hawaii.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t carry a bunch of pens with me on airplanes. They set off those metal detectors and then you find yourself in some dark room with a bright light shining in your eyes while they blow the paper covers off straws at you. No thanks. I had enough of that in high school.
So, I raised my hand again.
You could have heard a pen drop, if there had been one anywhere on the plane.
I asked for a pen.
I had to go sit in the toilet again.
There isn’t a lot to do in an airplane toilet. I looked for a pen. I made sure there were no criminal fruit hiding behind the door. I washed my ears.
The flight contentments let me out if I promised not to ask them any more questions.
I promised and they let me go back to my seat.
And they duct taped my arms down.
You can’t eat any of those delicious honey-roasted peanuts with your arms taped down.
So I asked my Son, very politely, if he would please feed me some peanuts.
He stuck a peanut up each of my nose holes.
My pride and joy. The boy I carried on my back. The child that I pushed for five miles on his bike when I was teaching him how to ride.
Peanuts up my nose.
I asked my wife for some help.
“You’re lucky he didn’t stick cantaloupes up your nose”, she said,
My wife. My better half. The woman I crawled through fire for after that barbecue incident. Blackened fish for dinner that night.
There I was, heading for the land of palm trees and cannibals with my arms taped down and peanuts up my nose. And all that time in the toilet, I had forgot to go to the bathroom. I had to really go now.
I asked my Son for help.
Bad move.
He started telling me about waterfalls and rivers and water balloons popping.
No help there.
The wife was reading the airline magazine about all the fun things to do in Hell’s Half Acre in Wyoming.
No help from here.
The flight contentments were pointing and laughing at me. That happens every flight, but I thought they were overplaying it.
The little kicker behind me came over to me.
“Help me!” I begged.
He stuck a peanut in each of my ears.
They yelled at me for not filling out my criminal fruit form.
Yep. A tropical paradise. It smelled like peanuts.
Ha, ha! Funny stuff. I guess I missed Part 1.
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Hilarious!
Bipolar: First I was sad about your comment, and then I was happy about it.
When you listen to Fats Dominoe, do you think he’s singing,
“I found my thrall on Blueberry Hill”?
It’s also illegal to bring nuts into Hawaii, but apparently a lot get in.
“Excuse me, my husband and I are arguing about how Hawaii is pronounced, He says it’s ‘Ha-wa-eeh’ but I say it’s ‘Ha-vah-ee’. What do you think?”
“It’s pronounced ‘Ha-va-ee’.”
“See, I told you it was ‘Ha-va-ee’, thank you sir, for clearing that up.”
“You’re Velcome!”
Unless i absolutely have too like something business related i really don’t want to visit Oahu again. Its dirty, homeless and crazies everywhere. Everything is expensive and dated.
And its a democratic liberal loony state.
Man, isn’t that the truth.
You can’t swing a dead chicken around in Kauai without hitting a nut.
One of their drill thralls
We only stopped on Oahu to change planes. I won’t say they put us on a small plane for the rest of the trip, but we crop dusted three fields on the way.
Was working this morning. Counted 6 nuts between my office and Jack in the Box while getting breakfast (about 200 yard walk). First thought there were only 5 nuts until I realized the last guy was talking to the sky and pointing at it.
I used to think Berkeley was the fruit and nut capital, but Hawaii is much worse now.
Aha!
You must be as old as me!
I remember that episode!
My high school girlfriend looked like that blonde Drill thrall.
Her Dad really knew how to put up shields, though.
“Have I shown you my shotgun?”
This guy talking to the sky.....was he wearing a beanie?
We’ve been looking for Uncle Ed.
Kauai
And Oahu
Way best ones
Have you ever been to “The Forbidden Island”?
Yeah.
Rhode Island.
Nobody’s supposed to go there, I guess.
Sadly Oahu is in trouble, but Maui is wonderful! Visit Kihei. Much cleaner overall though you still see occasionally homeless but nothing like Oahu.
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