Posted on 01/12/2019 4:52:32 AM PST by sodpoodle
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.
Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.
Amy takes him down to the barn.. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuminghe is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.
(It's nice to see a blonde winning...once in awhile.l)
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it ...eventually'.
Stop me if you heard this one: two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
No really, it could happen!
How ‘bout this one: A baby seal walks into a club.
I heard it this way: A seal walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “What will you have?”
“Anything but a Canadian Club.”
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey! We don’t serve pieces of string here.” The piece of string goes outside, twists himself into a knot and musses his ends and walks back into the bar. The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you that piece of string I just threw out of here?” The piece of string says, “A frayed knot.”
Very good - thanks!
Whoa.
Real story:
There’s bar in Shannon Ireland called Durty Nellie’s. After a few too many, the joke telling starts. Two Brits lead the pack. After a time, a hod carrier sized Irishman steps between them, puts his hands on their shoulders, and says “What’s black and blue and floats face down in the Irish Sea?” He then answered his own question: “Englishmen who tell Irish jokes in Irish pubs”. They both fell silent, finished their Stouts, and left quietly. The joke telling continued.
I think it’s worth more than a tee hee.....cute!
Of course I, seizing the opportunity, said 'Okay, you're a cab.'
8~)
Since sodpoodle started this madness, glad to make a few contributions:
— A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, “ the groom says. “She gave me $20 change!”
— Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”
Boy: “It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.”
Girl: “Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.”
— A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.”
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”
The tough old golfer replies, “No problem, just get that lion out of there.”
— Here’s a quote that seems fairly balanced, nonpartisan and prescient:
“Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.”
— Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
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