Posted on 08/14/2018 11:55:22 AM PDT by sodpoodle
"The Pond"
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding up the bucket he said, “I'm just here to feed the alligator.”
Some old men can still think fast.
Good one.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's urgent voice warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”
"Hell!" said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of ‘em!"
In the bake shop a young woman in a very short skirt was serving the customers. A couple of young men and a seasoned citizen entered. After the young fellows checked the shelves, each ordered raisin bread. It was on a high shelf, and the young lady needed a ladder to access it.
After serving the two young men, halfway down from her second trip up the ladder she asked the old gentleman “Is yours raisin too?”
“Nope”, he replied, “but it’s twitchin’ a mite”!
An old bull and a young bull are standing on a hill, looking down on a herd of cows.
The young bull says: “Let’s run over there, and make love to one of those cows!”
The old bull say: “Let’s WALK down, and make love to all of them.”
Agnes and Gladys were together in Agnes’ car going out to have dinner. Gladys thought she noticed Agnes driving through a red light, but she wasn’t sure. She did notice the next missed red light and hoped that Agnes didn’t mean to, but she determined she would speak up if it happened again. Sure enough, she drove right through another one.
“Agnes”, Gladys exclaimed, “That’s the third red light you’ve driven through!”
“Oh my God!”, Agnes cried, “Am I driving?!”
You censored that one quite a bit :)
Lol!
An elderly couple are watching tv one evening when the husband says “I feel like a bowl ice cream. You want one?”
The wife replies “Yes, that would be great. I’d like vanilla with fudge, chopped nuts, a few slices of banana, and a cherry. You know, you’d better write this down. Your memory isn’t what it used to be.”
“I’ve got it, I’ve got it” the husband replied, bothered.
The wife can hear her husband in the kitchen turning on the stove, opening the fridge, mixing something with a whisk. She gets angrier and angrier as she sits there listening to him obviously not preparing a sundae.
He comes into the room a while later with a full breakfast tray. Eggs, bacon, toast, and coffee.
The wife shakes here head, completely vexed and says...
“You old fool! I told you to write it down! Where’s my oatmeal?”
Thanks for your comments and contributions.
Surrounded by lunacy - a little laughter goes a long way;)
all good ones
The young farmer’s wife gave them a tour, a cheese making demonstration, and finally some samples. As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats. She said, “This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?”
An old lady piped up, “Honey, they take us on bus tours.”
Old couple in room. Wife looking at herself in long mirror.
“You know, everything has gone downhill. My hair is gray, I’ve got dentures, my t’s are sagging, my a is sagging, hell, everything is sagging. Can you think of anything left that’s good?”
Husband looks her up and down.
Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.
So we asked him nicely to give a couple of retirees a break. But he paid us no attention and kept writing.
Just loud enough for him to hear, my wife said, “What a Bozo.”
The cop looked up, stared at my wife, then started writing out another ticket.
I said, “Honey, this guy probably just learned to read and write, and he’s so proud of himself, he’s showing off.”
The cop tore off the 2nd ticket and started on a third.
We kept making comments and he kept writing tickets till he was up to about half a dozen.
Finally, glaring at us, the cop left, and we walked on down the street. We didn’t care about the tickets. We always take the bus into town, and anyway, that car was one of those obnoxious Hummers. <>Being retired, we always try to find ways to keep ourselves amused. We feel it’s important.
90 yr old couple in divorce court. Judge says, “Well, I can certainly grant you a divorce but why on earth bother doing that now? You’ve been together over 70 years!”
Couple says, “We wanted to wait until the children were dead.”
Husband buys an expensive negligee for his wife for their 50 anniversary. He puts the box on the bed and when she gets home, he tells her, “Honey, I’ve left you a special present in our room. I want you go take off your clothes, open it and then come let me see what you think.”
She giggled, and went into the bedroom. Upon opening the box, she sees the gift-wrapper had forgotten to remove the price tag, and she was shocked at how much money he spent when they could have made better use of the money. So she walks out naked instead, planning to scold him.
“Well, what do you think?” she asks.
After a few blinks of his eyes, he replies, “I think for that much money they could have at least ironed it!”
Two senior citizen couples were going out to dinner. The men were in the front seats, the women in the back. The guy in the passenger seat turns to the driver, “You know we went to this great Italian restaurant last week. The food was really good, the service was impeccable and the prices were very reasonable.”
“What was the name of it?”, his friend asks.
“Gosh, what WAS the name. Hmm, let me think. Wait, wait, I think I got it...um...what do you call that flower that has a long green stem, a bud on the end and has thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”, his friend replies.
“Yeah, yeah, that’s it!”, he answers and turns toward the back seat saying, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that Italian restaurant we went to last week?”
That was funny. :)
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