Posted on 07/21/2018 5:46:00 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Astute Observations
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipsh*t's.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?”
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.
Save and bookmark!
Paddy’s fingers:
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork ‘s hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ‘Lets be avin’ DA fingers and I’ll ?see what OI can do’.
Paddy said,
‘Oi haven’t got DA fingers.’
‘Whadda ya mean you haven’t got DA fingers?
HOLY MOSES Paddy!!!!!..... it’s 2018!
We’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn’t ya bring DA fingers?!?’
And Paddy said,
‘How DA hell was I ‘spose to pick them up’!
You know what happens when you mix human DNA and animal DNA ?
They throw you out of the petting zoo.
“The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. “
A classic, and in my case very true.
As I was about to leave, I realized that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the Scotch before leaving the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell seven times before I got home.
Make sure your Viagra is stamped ‘Made in America’ because you don’t want Russia meddling in your erections.
ROFLMAO!!!
You need to send that to mueller.
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