Posted on 12/05/2017 8:55:50 AM PST by sodpoodle
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now .... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
The Perfect Man.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Larry." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Larry Neer. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Larry Neer every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Larry Neer. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Larry Neer could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Larry, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake No one could ever measure up to Larry Neer." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Larry. He died and I married his wife."
My wife an I were watchin “adult” entertainment when I commented: “how come you never do that ?”
She replied: “bring we one of those and watch what happens.”
There was no more talking during the entertainment.
Funny...funny...funny...funny! And yes,I’m a guy.
HA, that was funny...had to show it to my husband who is 8 years older than me, BTW, so not like he’s a spring chicken ;)
one of hte best lines was on the hsow everyone loves raymond-
Marie Barone: I have my own opinions. I’m not just some trophy wife.
Frank Barone: Trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?
LOL’s big time. I loved that show, bought my mom a couple of DVD’s of the series. Frank was a hoot, the best on the show and with Marie as his wife ...classic. My dad played some audio of a show called “The Bickerson’s” and >that< was pre-Frank and Marie.
arg...that should “Bring me one like that....”
A man turns to his wife of 50 years and says, “Martha, when I was drafted into the army, you were there for me. And when I was injured at work, you were there for me. And when I lost my life savings in the stock market, you were there for me.
Martha, I’ve been thinking. You’re just bad luck.”
A friend who was stationed in Hawaii in the 40’s made the mistake of reminiscing to his wife one evening (in the 80’s).
Recalling a 16 year old beauty he’d dated their at 18, mused “I wonder how she’s doing?”.
His wife replied: “She’s probably old and fat like you.”
Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns
Dear John.I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Shiela
Dear Shiela
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John
bkmk
one of hte best shows evah really- along with the greats like tim allen show- all in the family, etc- The writers for everyone loves raymond were just perfect- very very funny- the cast was great as well- and yup- frank and marie really were perfect cast members- I don’t usually laugh out loud, but that show, more times than i can remember, really got me laughing-
I’ll have to check out hte bikcersons- soudns funny
Similar joke: Walter Cronkite was once quoted as saying he wanted to die with a 17-year-old girl in his arms and a 70-year-old bottle of scotch.
To which his wife Betsy replied “He’ll probably die with a 70-year-old woman in his arms and a 17-year-old bottle of scotch.”
The Bickersons were great at turning a phrase:
Blanche: I didn’t like our last housekeeper. She never swept behind the door.
John: She did too. She swept everything behind the door.
Go to: http://www.otr.net/ and find your favorite radio show. I sit with my grandad and listen to them. It’s fun to see his eyes light up over those shows. Here’s The Bickersons:http://www.otr.net/?p=bick
Hah, that reminds me of the first Onion article I ever read: “Ask A Navy Seal”
https://www.theonion.com/ask-a-navy-seal-1819583375
thanks for that link- will definately check it out- sounds pretty funny-
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