The College Football Czar: Week 4

Week three in review: It was a dismal week for the College Football Czar, but he’s not the only one. Top-ranked Ohio State barely eked out a victory over Northern Illinois, while both Alabama and Southern Cal D-sintegrated before our eyes. It was a Saturday filled with seesaw battles decided by razor-thin margins, several of which turned against the Czar at the last moment. For the week, he was 9-11, causing his overall record to plummet to 39-21, for a .650 winning percentage.

All the on-air personalities at the Seamy Underbelly of Networks have apparently gotten the memo that their broadcasts are to be devoted less to the football games and more to the betting lines. The color commentator for ABC’s Ohio State-Northern Illinois game wondered how NIU could “make up a 34 and a half point deficit” against the Buckeyes. Putting aside the impossibility of scoring half a point, the bigger problem is that the game hadn’t even kicked off yet. Hasn’t society lost touch with reality badly enough, what with people not knowing what sex they are, without treating a prediction of people’s gambling patterns as if it were a pseudo-outcome of a sporting event? The Czar imagines that when NIU lost by only a touchdown, that same announcer must have thought, “What an amazing comeback!”

Meanwhile, at the end of the noon game on ESPN, Uconn stupidly eschewed a potential tying field goal against Missouri, and ran a fake instead. It failed, and they lost 9-6. Although it was an obvious blunder, one of the announcers declared it to be a sound move because the Huskies had “nothing to lose.” Um, not to put a fine point on this, but they lost the game. A victory would have improved Connecticut’s record to 3-0, making a winning season and a bowl game look very likely, in spite of the fact that their schedule is about to get a lot tougher. That’s not nothing. The Czar can only deduce that this representative of the Family of Lardheads prioritized the betting line over the football game, and since they’d beaten the spread, anything else was gravy. College football isn’t golf, dammit; it’s a sport! You win by scoring more points than the other guys, not just by exceeding some handicapper’s expectations.

BSU quarterback Ryan Finley became the latest key player to be unnecessarily injured in a phony game, when he suffered a broken ankle against Division I-AA Idaho State. If you didn’t happen to be watching when it happened, you don’t want to see it now. Even the potatoes averted their eyes.

Sophomore Thomas Stuart and freshman Brett Rypien will each take some of the snaps this week, just as they did in the remainder of that 52-0 drubbing of ISU. Rypien is the nephew of former NFL QB Mark Rypien, who is best remembered as MVP of Super Bowl XXVI. That title was awarded him for standing around behind that invincible Washington Redskins’ offensive line, staring at the ceiling, and wondering what in blazes they were doing playing the Super Bowl in Minneapolis.

If 6-foot-5 Cavalier quarterback Matt Johns isn’t nicknamed Long Johns, then his teammates have been lying down on the job. Long Johns is just getting warmed up, after keeping his team competitive against national powers UCLA and Notre Dame. A visit from a big-name opponent that’s not at full strength is just the opportunity he and his Cavs need for a breakout game.

How did they get to be called long johns, anyway? Underwear named after a pirate? That’s kind of disturbing.

The Cardinal don’t have the kind of power running game they’re used to, but they do have the Round Mound of Remound to barrel into the end zone from short distances. All right, so he doesn’t pronounce it that way, but Remound Wright scored three TDs – each from one yard out – in a 41-31 upset of USC.

The Beavers haven’t had much of a running game for the past few years, but under new coach Gary Anderson, their rushing totals almost double their passing yards. In a recent 35-21 win over San Jose State, senior Storm Barrs-Woods rushed for 151 yards – the most he’d had in a single game in almost three years. Woods recently added “Barrs” to honor his mother. It just seemed natural, since barrs and woods have always kind of gone together.

ESPN reports that OSU offensive coordinator Dave Baldwin drinks 16 to 18 Diet Cokes a day. What a wuss. Tommy Prothro, who coached the Beavers from 1955-64, was said to have consumed a case of Coke – as in the hard stuff – on a daily basis. Still, neither of them could carry Art Donovan’s … well, anything, really.

Before the season, the Czar thought this was the most dangerous game on PSU’s schedule. Never mind. If the rankings were done alphabetically, the Aztecs could get from A to Z faster than you did while reading their team nickname. In Week 2, their prolific ground game was ground to a halt by the Cal Bears, 35-7. In Week 3, their usually dominant defense let them down in a 34-27 overtime loss to South Alabama.

Like PSU, and each of that team’s opponents so far, SDSU is rebuilding its offensive line, which helps to account for RB Donnell Pumphrey’s precipitous decline in production. In addition, QB Maxwell Smith, a transfer from Kentucky, hadn’t played in a couple years, and it shows.

The Nittany Lions routed Rutgers 28-3, behind a combined total of 315 rushing yards from Saquon Barkley and Akeel Lynch. Lion fans are just mad about Saquon, who’s been quite right slick while averaging over nine yards per carry.

Last time the Czar was having computer problems, he tried calling Aztec support, but he didn’t think tearing his computer’s heart out and throwing it down the stairs sounded like very good advice.

The Czar never thought he’d find anything he liked about Dana Holgorsen, but he applauds the Mountaineer coach for pledging to stop playing lower-division opponents. In fact, the I-AA teams he’s facing this year and next had already been scheduled by his predecessors. He’d rather not be playing teams like Towson and Liberty at all.

Last year at College Park, the Terps rallied from a 28-6 deficit to tie the game, only to have WVU kicker Josh Lambert boot a last-second 47-yarder to turn them away, 40-37.

The Terrapins take to the road for the first time this year, which they seem to prefer to the comfort of their own shell. In 2014, they were 5-1 as the visiting team, including victories at Penn State and Michigan. That doesn’t mean we can discount their recent home results, though, such as when they were bounced off their own turf by Bowling Green, 48-27.

Holgorsen has kicked defensive end Tyree Owens and reserve tailback Kenyatta Greene off the team for their roles in an altercation, in which both players were stabbed. Talk about salt in the wound. Hopefully, other football players around the country will take a lesson from this. If you’re going to be involved in a stabbing, don’t be the stabbee.

Watching Tech beat Arkansas last week, the Czar figured he’d learned his lesson, and wouldn’t pick against the Red Raiders again. Then he saw that they were scheduled to face the Horned Frogs this week. Oh, well, he didn’t really feel like learning a lesson anyway.

Like the other top teams, Texas Christian has had its struggles, but the Frogs are still unbeaten in three games, with a quality win at Minnesota. More recently, they successfully defended the Iron Skillet against SMU – which isn’t hard to do, because unlike their attackers, they’re, um, holding an iron skillet.

In his press conference after that 35-24 win over the Hogs, Raider coach Kliff Kingsbury blasted counterpart Bret Bielema, because the Razorback coach had spoken disparagingly, not of Texas Tech, nor of Kingsbury’s mother, but of the spread offense. You can see how that would have struck a nerve. Memo to Kliff: You already won the game, so just let that fact speak for itself. Don’t try to sound like a tough guy while wearing a white carnation. And who really does that, anyway? It looked as if he’d just dropped by the press room on his way to a secret rendezvous.

The quackers are in a quandary at quarterback. Starter Vernon Adams and his broken index finger aren’t suited for the read option. On the other hand, Jeff Lockie has not demonstrated an ability to throw downfield. If he continues to loft those long, predictable screen passes, this Ute defense will jump all over them.

Early in last year’s game, the Utes were in control until WR Kaelin Clay casually dropped the ball as he approached the goal line, allowing UO linebacker Joe Walker to return it all the way for a touchdown. At least Clay, now a Detroit Lion, demonstrated that he knew his way downfield. Without him, the Ute receivers have been meekly filching a few yards here and there behind the defenders’ backs. Through three games, the team’s only TD reception has been caught by TE Harrison Handley.

Even after witnessing Clay’s gaffe, Duck receiver Byron Marshall did the same thing in the national championship, except that he barely maintained possession until the ball eclipsed the goal line. Sure, it’s a moronic thing to do, but he was just so envious of Clay for getting all those hits on YouTube.

The 2-1 Volunteers blew a 17-0 lead in a 31-24 double-OT loss to Oklahoma in Week 2. On the bright side, it’s doubtful that they could allow an offensive outburst like that to the team from Two-Yard Gainesville.

Coach Jim McElwain must have been a little more pleased with his Gators’ discipline during a dull but methodical 14-9 win over Kentucky. In the days that followed, however, he’s had to suspend quarterback Treon Harris and cornerback Jalen Tabor for this game, for violations of team rules.

The College Football Czar suspects that if McElwain tacked up a list labeled “TEAM RULES” on the bulletin board, his players wouldn’t bother reading it, but would just assume “rules” was a verb, meaning that they, the Gators, rule. On that basis, they would decide to go out and taunt their opponents like crazy.

At least the Wolverines are winning, but paying fans had to unlove last week’s 28-7 snooze against UNLV. Coach Jim Harbaugh is still enthusiastically supporting QB Jake Rudock, even though he’s thrown more INTs than touchdowns so far, while gaining fewer than ten yards per completion.

The 2-1 Cougars are easily the most exciting team so far this year, although they could’ve done with a little less drama last week, when they were the ones giving up the late TD in a 24-23 loss to UCLA. After this game, things should become anticlimactic, because their schedule strength drops off sharply for the rest of the season.

These teams met in the 1984 Holiday Bowl, where BYU prevailed 24-17, to capture a disputed national championship. If the BCS had been proposed back then, everyone would have loved it. Then again, there was a time when people loved LaserDisc, too.

The Longhorns rallied from a three-touchdown, fourth-quarter deficit last Saturday against California, only to lose 45-44 when Nick Rose missed an extra point with just over a minute remaining.

OSU had a tougher time than expected in an opening 24-13 win over Central Michigan. The solution, obviously, was not to tangle with as dangerous an opponent as CMU in their next two games. Hence, they’ve since beaten up on I-AA Central Arkansas (32-8) and Texas-San Antonio (69-14).

The men of steer are obviously the tougher team, because they wear burnt orange. The Cowboys’ orange isn’t burnt at all. What do they do, keep it under a parasol?

A year ago, the Sun Devils shocked SC 38-34 on a Hail Mary TD pass by Mike Bercovici, who played that game in relief of an injured Taylor Kelly, but is now ASU’s full-time starting QB. The most remarkable thing about that play was the total passivity of the Trojan defense. It was no fluke, as last week’s languid performance in a 41-31 loss to Stanford will attest.

It’s fitting that the Devils faced I-AA Cal Poly in Week 2, because they intended to wolly-doodle all day, just like they’ve done for every other game this year. Last Friday, they barely touched the ball in the first half, but pulled away in the third quarter to beat New Mexico 34-10.

It’s a little-known fact that Wally Doodle was Yankee Doodle’s brother, who never thought to call the feather in his hat macaroni, and thus toiled in obscurity. He was kind of bitter about it, actually.

Somebody please tell Bowling Green that they’re playing football and not bowling – a game in which nobody plays defense, and the scores are in the hundreds. Through three games, the Falcons have been outscored 127-122. Last Saturday, they led on five different occasions before letting a 44-41 decision slip away against Memphis.

The Boilermakers’ new starting quarterback is freshman David Blough, who’s got more pronunciations than career passing yards to this point. Coach Darrell Hazell likes his ability to extend plays, and expects that dimension of his game to give PU a deep threat.

If the Falcon D doesn’t start improving soon, even Sidney Poitier and his Bowling Green sewing machine might not be able to put it back together again.

You might recognize that reference from the movie The Defiant Ones, in which Poitier and Stoney Curtis are escaped convicts who are shackled, and forced to depend on each other in spite of the fact that one of them persists in singing the worst song in the world. The subsequent mental trauma caused Stoney to go berserk, and agree to star in The Bad News Bears Go to Japan.

The Bulls went on the road last week and defeated Florida Atlantic 33-15, which was a rude thing to do to their hosts. One might even consider it a FAU-pas.

Even if the Wolf Pack lose this third consecutive nonconference game, that’s no reason for them to pack it in, because they’ve got about the weakest Mountain West schedule you could possibly put together. Not only is the West the weaker of the two divisions, but the three Mountain division teams they don’t play are Boise State, Colorado State and Air Force.

If you’ve never experienced buffalo bull, consider yourself lucky. The Czar once had the misfortune of occupying a barstool next to a buffalo who claimed he’d have won the Heisman Trophy, if not for a knee injury he sustained while carrying out an assassination for the CIA.

As important a game as this is, it can’t possibly be worth the Wildcats’ forcing linebacker Scooby Wright to come back so soon from a serious knee injury. It’s more important to have his services in November, when the U of A faces USC, Utah and Arizona State in succession.

Bruin linebacker Myles Jack has suffered – all together now – a season-ending knee injury. Not only was Jack the key to the defense, but last season he made headlines for his offensive prowess as a running back. With neither Jack nor Wright healthy, this becomes an infinitely less interesting game.

The Arizona Stadium grass is famously emblazoned with the words “BEAR DOWN.” Good think the visitors in this game are the Bruins. If they were bears, they’d be in big trouble.

UT looks to repeat the result, if not the score, of last season’s 63-44 GoDaddy Bowl victory. Kareem Hunt, then a sophomore, romped for 271 yards and five scores that night. ASU quarterback Fredi Knighten matched those five TDs, while throwing for 403 yards in the loss.

The Red Wolves return nine starters from an offense that ranked in the Top 20 last year, in both scoring and total yardage. Most of their losses were on the defensive side of the ball, where they won’t really be missed anyway.

The Rockets have beaten two major conference opponents, but they may be losing momentum and getting ready to re-enter the atmosphere. Following a 16-12 upset of Arkansas in Little Rock, they needed double overtime to edge Iowa State at home, 30-23.

Somebody please tell Fredi that the 80s called, and they want their “i” back. And if he’s got a Flock of Seagulls hairdo under that helmet, he can shave that, too.

If Ohio State had trouble getting it’s O rolling against NIU, this could turn into a long day for Eagle offensive coordinator Todd Fitch. In their first game against legitimate opposition, BC lost to Florida State 14-0 last Friday, while losing starting QB Darius Wade for the season with an ankle injury.

The Huskies couldn’t hold a 10-0 lead against OSU, but they kept fighting back, and remained in the game until the 20-13 score was final. Counting that loss, they’ve still won five of their last eight games against “Power Five” conference opponents.

One of the players battling to become the Eagles’ new starting quarterback is Troy Flutie, son of former BC wide receiver Darren Flutie, and nephew of QB Doug. Without having any idea who deserves to win the job, the Czar predicts that Troy will get it. Even if he can’t move the offense, his presence will make the fans feel better, by guaranteeing that you-know-what is shown during every game for the rest of the season.

Consider this an elimination game in the SEC West, with each team having already lost to LSU. The Tigers have announced that they will start redshirt freshman Sean White behind center, in place of junior Jeremy Johnson, who has been wilting under the intensity of ludicrously high expectations.

This benching makes AU one of at least three SEC teams making a change at QB this week. Gee, it’s almost as if the SEC really isn’t all that great this year. Johnson has only five TDs to six interceptions, and unlike his predecessor, Nick Marshall, he’s not much of a rushing threat. The assumption that he would immediately become one of the premier quarterbacks in the NCAA was based as much on football writers’ infatuation with head coach Gus Malzahn as it was on Johnson’s abilities.

The Bulldogs’ best performance by far this season has been that 21-19 loss to Louisiana State. A week ago, they had a feelgood 62-13 win over the I-AA Northwestern State Demons, who hail from the great Northwestern state of Louisiana.

After a 17-14 loss to Wake Forest on a last-second field goal, the Black Knights could be facing their most realistic remaining chance at a victory against a Division I-A opponent. Maybe when they’re playing on EMU’s gray turf, making the game look like a black-and-white film, they’ll have a flashback to the glory days of the Earl Blaik era.

The Eagles have lost both home games so far, on either side of a surprising 48-29 victory at Wyoming. In last week’s MAC opener, they led Ball State 17-0 midway through the second quarter, but then got rolled the rest of the way, and lost 28-17. They’ve finally wised up this week, and will pull a Boise by hiding against their own field, in gray and white uniforms.

Notice that he Czar is not referring to it as “Army West Point,” which is how the Academy is now branding itself. They must think that if they sound like a branch campus, opponents will take them more lightly and give them the element of surprise. If this tactic works, the College Football Czar might have to start referring to his home team as “Pitt Pittsburgh,” so that they sound more like plucky underdogs than perennial underachievers – which are pretty much the same thing, depending on whether anyone expects you to be any good or not.

Bears’ running backs coach Jeff Lebby was on the Tulsa sideline for last week’s Golden Hurricane game against Oklahoma. Because BU plays Oklahoma, this is a blatant NCAA rules violation. How Lebby could not have seen the impropriety of this makes it the stupidest violation by an assistant coach since Luther Van Dam won a steak in the Touchdown Club’s “guess the score” contest.

The Bears have blown out each of their first two opponents in the second half, but not until after finding themselves unexpectedly threatened in the first. Last week, they were tied 21-21 with I-AA Lamar with five minutes left in the second quarter, before embarrassment drove them to pile on the points for a 66-31 final.

Senior slinger Driphus Jackson threw for a career-high 373 yards last game for the Owls, with three touchdowns and no INTs, in a 38-24 Conference USA-opening win over North Texas.

The word for “Rice” in Spanish is “arroz.” So, when the song says, “There is arroz in Spanish Harlem, that simply means that there is rice in Spanish Harlem. But shouldn’t that go without saying?

I think Oklahoma State will beat Texas but nothing really wrong with him picking Texas. However 95 points! No way.

2 posted on 09/24/2015 6:09:07 PM PDT by yarddog (Romans 8:38-39, For I am persuaded.)

I predict Cincinnati and Memphis will score at least 50 points combined.

3 posted on 09/24/2015 6:15:06 PM PDT by yarddog (Romans 8:38-39, For I am persuaded.)

I predict that Alabama will not lose another game this year and will defeat tOSU for the Nat. Championship.

I predict that Troy will not lose this week.

4 posted on 09/24/2015 6:18:30 PM PDT by yarddog (Romans 8:38-39, For I am persuaded.)

I like your prediction:) It’s hilarious how people are acting like we got blown out when we lost by one score. Bama had some of the worst luck that I’ve seen in a long time, including that freakish, lucky Ole Miss TD. Add in the 5 turnovers, blind referees & a QB with the Flu. The team did great to be in a position to win at the end.

5 posted on 09/24/2015 7:29:40 PM PDT by CrimsonTidegirl (Just say no to the GOPe.)

I’ll be at he TTU-TCU game in Lubbock. Guns up.

Game just over and they combined for 99 points!
No defense to be found.
Terrible commentators.

7 posted on 09/24/2015 9:07:07 PM PDT by libertylover (The problem with Obama is not that his skin is too black, it's that his ideas are too RED.)

I’m going with the noble and virtuous scholar athletes from UT over Okie Lite....

8 posted on 09/24/2015 9:51:31 PM PDT by Crapgame (What should be taught in our schools? American Exceptionalism, not cultural Marxism...)

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