Posted on 05/09/2014 9:07:18 PM PDT by NKP_Vet
LOL
/sarc.. Just wish it were over, kids and I need to move on.
Mickey Mouse goes to a lawyer to talk about getting a divorce from Minnie.
When he finishes telling his tale of woe the lawyer sighs and tells him, “I’m sorry, Mr Mouse, but insanity isn’t grounds for divorce in this state.”
Exasperated, Mickey shouts back, “I didn’t tell you Minnie was crazy. I said she was f***ing Goofy!”
Guy goes to a psychiatrist
and says,
One day I’m a teepee,
the next I’m a wigwam.
The next day I’m a teepee,
then I’m a wigwam again.
Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam!
Doctor says, “Relax, you’re two tents!”
Allegedly the world’s funniest joke:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
even if a guy listens only half the time that’s three thousand more words than the woman listens to.
and believe me they read in a whole lot more to the seven thousand words the guy says.
Husband’s Text (by mobile phone):
Darling, I’ve been hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong but fortunately it seems that did not cause any
serious injury.
However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have
to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response:
Who’s Paula?
A rich man on his death bed, says to his wife. I want you to take all my money upstairs to the attic. So when I pass, I will be able to grab it on the my way up.
The wife does as her husband had asked and a few days later the old fellow dies. The wife immediately runs up to the attic and just as she expected all the money was stil there and she says to herself, darn I knew I should have put his money in the basement.
rofl!!!!
ROFLROFLROFL!
Here's another..the very condensed version..
Husband and wife are lying in bed, talking:
She: If I died, would you remarry?
He: I might, after a few years
She: Would you live together in this house?
He: Probably. I like it here.
She: Would you let her wear my jewelry?
He: If she wanted to. You have some beautiful pieces, so I expect she might like them.
She: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
He: Nope. She's left handed.
Three hunters were out deer hunting. They went to their shooting houses, agreeing to come out at a certain time. A couple of hours later one heard the call of nature, went out into the woods to "handle" the situation, and was shot in the shoulder by one of his friends who thought he was a deer. His friends quickly dragged him out of the woods, threw him into the back of their truck, and rushed him to the hospital...
A few hours later in the emergency room the doctor came out into the waiting area shaking his head. Their friend was dead. "How can he be dead?" asked the first hunter, "He was only shot in the shoulder!" "Well" drawled the doctor, "it's true the wound itself wasn't fatal, but you really shouldn't have field dressed him first."
The back story..Shakespeare and Byron.. England's greatest poets..both long dead, and have centuries in Limbo, finally get up to Heaven, and find St. Peter awaiting them at the Pearly Gates.
Peter apologizes, saying since it's late on a Friday, he only has time to process one of them into Heaven...the other will have to go back down to Limbo for a while. He decides to have a contest to decide who stays....and asks them to compose a poem about "Timbuktu."
Byron's up first:
"I sat upon the ocean's shore,
And watched the mighty breakers roar.
Far our at sea, came into view,
A schooner bound for Timbuktu."
Not bad, says, Peter..OK..Billy's up...
Shakespeare offers:
"Tim and I, a walking went
We met three ladies in a tent.
They were three, and we just two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu!"
A man calls his wife and says “Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!”
The wife exclaims “That’s wonderful! Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?”
The man replies “I don’t give a damn what you pack. Just be gone by the time I get home!”
I became aware of that at least a decade ago because of reading stories and comments here,
Good luck to you.
Dad looks at Mom, Mom looks at Dad and Dad says "No, Johnny those dogs are just making a puppy". Johnny doesn't say anything and just thinks about that.
Later in the evening, the parents put Johnny to bed early because Dad has a gleam in his eye. After he's in bed, the parents are together in their bedroom when Johnny opens the door and sees them making love.
"Dad! Mom! what are you doing?" Mom looks at Dad, Dad looks at Mom and Dad says "Johnny, your Mother and I are making you a little Brother"
Johnny takes that in for a second and says "Dad, could you turn Mom over? I'd rather have a puppy."
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