Skip to comments.I just realized something: My cat is a Democrat
Posted on 09/25/2012 2:43:49 PM PDT by West Texas Chuck
I think this has been posted before but I couldn't find it. Worth a chuckle.
My cat is a Democrat!!!!
Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Tip your waitstaff and beertenders.
Your cat stands prepared to defend you from any attack...foreign or domestic. He’s your “Marine”. He wants to ensure no mice ruin your home. He lives in a cramped quarters situation because you force him to. He doesn’t whine much about it...because it’s the best you can offer. He’s not living like a king....but instead as a warrior. I think he’s more Republican than you think...(especially if he’s a Maine Coon).
I’m afraid ours is a democat too - huge entitlement mentality but we love her anyway.
OMG! You’re right. One of my girlz just jumped up on my desk, put a rear paw on my mouse hand, pressed down really hard, as if to make it clear; “I’m the boss. I won! Give me stuff!”
Given that they are the masters and we are their servants, perhaps the way things are is better than being beholden to a Conservacat.
Judging from where my dog chooses to lift his leg, he’s a republican.
He found the only fence for blocks owned by an Obama voter and made it his own.
Dogs have masters...
Cats have staff!
If GOD has the same design for cats to be just like dogs, then HE’ll make that happen (or would have let that happen already).
There! Someone has to say it.
Dudeman, you are awesome!
Dogs have masters; cats have staff.
How To Give A Cat A Pill:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill you just swallowed is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Get a screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Clean and bandage slashed, bloody arms and face. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw bloody, shredded T-shirt away and get a new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire dept to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small adjustable wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye. Also, be quite still for your tetanus shot before beginning your 10-day regimen of antibiotics. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for vet to make a house call.
But having staff doesn't make them Democrats, does it? (LOL!)
Oh carp, I haven’t heard that in a while, thank you!
Very good, Chuch.
It’s not just pets. We live right behind a wild life/drive through park. On occasion, the wolves and bears get loose and come to our property. When they find they have no free food nor care, they go right back where the livin’ is easy.
They’re democrats, too.
I actually laughed out loud at that.
Cats are all that and more. But they ARE superior to democraps.
It’s hard not to shed a tear when your 18 year old cat dies, whereas democraps of any age............
Just love that! One of the funniest descriptions ever. Have you seen the other one that’s similar about giving a cat a bath?
My dog is not a Democrat. She is a Heeler, and was bred to drive livestock. If she doesn’t have a task given to her, then she creates her own work. She is always busy.
How To Give A Cat A Bath:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.
But unlike Democrats, he is grateful for it and shows it every time he greets me at the door.
He may think I'm one of the 1%, but he doesn't blame me because he's in the other 99%.
I think when God realized how worthless the cat he had made was, he decided to make them soft, cuddly and cute and gave them the ability to make the most wonderful sound in the world, the purr, so that we would love them and take care of them.
And in the wild, and even at home, cats have a natural tendency to attempt to clean up after they pee or poop by burying their deposits under soil when available, while dogs don't.
BTW, if you wanted to compare the two fairly, you could have used a much cuter dog (maybe a poodle) than a pit bull. No comparison in aesthetics between the two animals you show. By using a pit bull, you play into the stereotype of Republicans as "mean spirited."
Cat Bathing As A Martial Art:
1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.
5. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
6. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)
7. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
8. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
9. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
10. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.
You forgot like your Cat the Dem’s have wicked bad breath....
How To Wash A Cat
1.Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2.Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3.In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4.The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that comes from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5.Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and rinse.
6.Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7.Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8.The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9.Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean by now!
Sir Napsalot: A cat name.
LOL! Great post :)
And I am willing to bet that if he acts up with a scratch or bite now and then, you will still coddle him!
My husband printed this out, suggested I read it and we will give it to our Pastor. She wound up in the ER Saturday night after her cat objected to being given a pill.
OMG!!!! Dogs are too! And they all vote 3 and 4 times on a straight party ticket. And all of the ones that have passed away too. I feel so betrayed.
They never listen. They know they have the upper hand. Mine insist that this is the circus. All I can do is hold their food trays over my head & wait for an opening to set them down. All Eskies are *hardcore* conservatives, though, so they do deserve the best.
I’m thinking about registering them to vote.
I know better than to even try.
Before you register them to vote,check down at the board of elections.Some Democrat may have already done it.
Speak to the folks at *The Looking Spoon*...all a spoof. :)
Thanks for posting this one and also #17.
er...should I put a temporary screen in the commode for cats under 10 pounds, or is that just over the top?
Just here to change my tagline.
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