Posted on 01/01/2007 9:08:13 AM PST by Alex Murphy
Many Digital Slobs work very hard at developing psychic powers, if only because it justifies our more sedentary lifestyles. After all, if you know what the future holds, it hardly makes sense to waste time and effort running around trying to fill it with anything else. Anytime anyone asks us to cook up what we think is going to happen (like, "What are we going to do this weekend?"), we fire up every available synapse in our brain to preheat every half-baked possibility. We then mix it with a healthy portion of intuition and let it stew in a rich broth of laziness. Then we serve up whichever option will allow us to keep sitting on the couch ("I think there's an 'Ugly Betty' marathon coming on").
Then we order Domino's Pizza -- all those cooking metaphors make us hungry.
So, if only to justify my upcoming 900 number as a legitimate business expense, here are my top predictions for 2007. They may, or may not, come to pass, but none of them require me to get up, and that's the point, really:
» Extraterrestrials will land on Earth, but unlike your typical Hollywood sci-fi plot, they will come in peace. Having monitored our broadcast transmissions for decades, they will offer tools that solve the world's most pressing problems, including a cure for cancer, a recipe for an endless source of free energy and 16 pairs of underwear for Britney Spears.
» A man will be arrested at a grocery store for trying to buy a cloned steak with a counterfeit $20 bill he photocopied on a laser printer. His case will be the first ever to stump the Supreme Court.
» After learning about ReputationDefender.com -- a Web site that wipes away bad things about you on the Internet -- a member of the House of Representatives will author a $1.5 billion appropriations bill to have the site erase all history of the 109th Congress. The Senate will eventually pass the measure, but only after amending it so that the site also deletes all record of them approving it.
» In a last-ditch effort to avoid going out of business, a bowling alley somewhere in the Midwest will install Wii gaming systems in each lane, allowing customers to get the effect of real bowling by fake bowling in a place where people used to actually bowl. Fearing potential competition, Nintendo will start renting out odd-smelling bowling shoes at all participating Best Buys and Wal-Marts, for gamers to take home.
» The New Orleans Saints will win the Super Bowl. Later, at a White House photo-op, quarterback Drew Brees will hand President Bush a complimentary jersey, and Bush will quip, "Heh, I didn't get you anything." This will trigger the longest, most awkward pause in human history.
» Long able to crush the world's best chess masters, computers will finally advance their brinkmanship to a level that can aid ordinary humans in much more complex situations. MIT will develop a super computer capable of answering questions long considered out of reach for mere mortals, such as "What is consciousness?" "What was before the 'Big Bang'?" and "Honey, do these jeans make me look fat?" Current state-of-the-art artificial intelligence recommends that when faced with each question, you should flail your arms and pretend you're choking to death in a desperate attempt the change the subject.
» The major presidential candidates will agree to a debate on "The View." Unfortunately, due to time constraints, producers will have to cancel it when Joy Behar opens the show with a mole-removal story that runs long.
» Someone will upgrade their notebook computer with the Vista operating system. Then something will go wrong. I know, I know, this last one sounds like crazy talk. But we'll just have to wait and see.
I'll keep sitting here, and let you know.
Yes and they will leave behind a book and the CIA will crack their language and discover it is titled 'To Serve Man'....but later discover it is a cookbook.
Whee! First one on your comments page, but the last one I'm going to ping.
Have a great day!
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