Mysterious Death Ruled "Suicide" [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 August 2017 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

In May of this year, federal prosecutor Beranton Whisenant's body was found on a Hollywood, Florida beach with a gunshot wound to the head. Three months later, the Hollywood Police Department has ruled the death a suicide. Whisenant worked for the U.S. Attorney's Office in Miami in its major crimes unit. He was handling several visa and passport fraud cases in the congressional district represented by beleaguered former Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Oddly, no weapon was recovered at or near the scene. Chief of Police Tomas Sanchez admitted that "the absence of a weapon near the body would seem suspicious to non-professionals. However, there could be a number of logical explanations. One possibility is that rising sea levels caused by global warming could have washed the firearm away. Another is that Mr. Whisenant swam out a ways before he shot himself and the gun is still out there somewhere."

Sanchez brushed off contentions from family members that Whisenant had shown no signs of depression and had even seemed enthusiastic about "reeling in some big fish" in his investigation. "A person can be depressed without anyone knowing," Sanchez said. "I just heard that vegetarians are more likely to be depressed than meat-eaters. Perhaps Mr. Whisenant was a vegetarian."

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...

http://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php/topic,275909.0.html

[higgmeister]

"the absence of a weapon near the body would seem suspicious to non-professionals..."

Yes, yes it would.

[YogicCowboy]

Yes, if only I were a trained professional...

[litehaus]

On the other hand consider the locality !! The gun probably got found and sold within 24 hours there.....However, no talk of him owning one either??