Posted on 07/07/2017 10:31:57 AM PDT by cvolkay
As you seem to need it so desperately, I thought I'd give all you good liberal boys and girls, at such august places as the New York slimes, WA er,eh, ALPO, Disgrace the Nation and This Week's River of Tears, a few pointers on how to write new and fresh headlines.
You seem to to be stuck in a horrible rut. Those two words, "sparks outrage" are in every paper, every newscast. In fact, trying to be a responsible writer I tried to count all of the times "sparks outrage" has been used in the last year. Well, I got lost somewhere around the 73 million mark. Never good at math, I finally enlisted the help of Jonas Q. Tinklenuts, the two time winner of the Nobel prize in pure and applied mathematical theory. By god, even old Tinklenuts became hopelessly addled. He finally just threw up his hands and said, "Listen Chris, there's no way to get the actual number. Let's just say, "like the universe, it stretches out into infinity." I accepted the poor man's answer. We know you're all great writers because you have told us so. But this endless repetition has been badly eroding our otherwise shining opinions of your writing and intellectual prowess. (You are like torches in a dark cave, please don't leave us wandering in the wilderness.) So here are a few suggestions to break the monotony. How about, "Trump Causes Lots of Big-Time Throwing Up!!!" How about stirs, ignites, causes, elicits, engenders, prestidigitates, I know, summons forth upon the firmament.(I like that one.) Then for the ubiquitous "outrage" how about revulsion, ire, indignation, spleen-busting, lots of really severe madness, nose-holding, horror, shock, disgust, retching, dry-heaves, vomiting vomitus viciously, mind-crushing, will-to live decimating, violation of all known p.c. laws, verboten visions of vileness. So boys and girls, there you have it. If you can't fashion any of your own here's the one that's my personal fav. How about "Trump Summons Forth Upon the Firmament (a firmament subject to climate change, I might add) Verboten Visions of Vomity Vileness. That sounds like a winner. Something fresh and new. This will deliver that old time journalism that you folks are so known for. We've come to expect it, now don't disappoint.
“Outs sparkrage” would be a nice change of pace.
Trump [Insert offending act here] Ignites Pearl-Clutching, Navel-gazing and Spontaneous Drum Circles
My brain read that as "spouts ark-rage"
SOOOOO good to have an AMERICAN back in charge, isn’t it?
Just substitute the word “cheers” for “outrage” and most news stories will make sense.
How about “matriculates outrage?”
Lefties think they are swinging their outraged swords at Trump and the Right but they are emulating Shia in festival slashing and gashing themselves. The Shia, being more rational (note the irony) than the American Left, take care to produce a lot of shallow blood and little actual damage.
Outs sparkrage
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