DC to Pay Criminals to Refrain from Crime [semi=satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

Washington, DC Councilman Kenyan McDuffie proposed and the City Council unanimously adopted a measure that will pay criminals to refrain from committing crimes. Under the plan, residents with a sufficiently impressive rap-sheet will be paid up to $9,000 in cash per year for each year they aren't convicted of a crime.

"This is not some lame-brained scheme that any smart aleck can game," McDuffie boasted. "Only those who can document their criminal behavior will be eligible for the stipend. By paying the 'worst-of-the-worst' members of our community to cool it we will have a greater impact than if we put more cops on the street."

The move met with an enthusiastic reception on the streets. A local community leader known only by his street moniker: "The Big Banger," averred that "we are always looking for ways to expand our cash flow. I think most of my guys have the reps to qualify for the payouts. Those few that don't could still crack a few heads or boost some merchandise if that's what it takes to get in on this."

Apprised of "Banger's" comments, McDuffie said he was encouraged. "I'm confident that if we partner with the people who really control the streets we can transform the social structure of our City. We've already got feelers out to both the Clinton and Sanders' campaigns to see if either will commit to this new way of restoring order to our society. It would be great to have a broader impact than just in DC."

In related news, some DC welfare moms are unhappy with the free accommodations the City is providing. Due to a shortage of public housing 730 families are being housed in area hotels. The amenities include prepared meals, cable TV, internet WiFi access, and maid service. Tiera Williams complains that the two-room suite they gave her is "too small, there aren't enough choices of food, the TV is only basic cable, and the maid wakes me up too early. The paying customers at the hotel get room service with a bigger menu and pay-per-view TV. Giving us less is discrimination. I thought Obama was supposed to transform America. Or do I have to wait for Sanders before everything is free for all?"

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...

http://azconservative.org/2016/02/06/new-clinton-defense-on-email-scandal-everybody-did-it/

[Liz]

Always ready to do good.....I hear the Clinton Foundation is partnering with Murder, Inc to raise funds to get this worthy project financed.

[butlerweave]

Blackmail or Protection Money ?

[dynachrome]

Haha. I’ll refrain from a lot of crime if you pay me.

[Mark]

50K or I vote Republican and that would be a crime, right?

[unixfox]

So...they think that paying more to those in Congress will make them stop committing crimes?

BWWWAAAAAAA!!!

[Huaynero]

My vote goes for WANTED posters posted in public places and TV. Instead of mothers proclaiming the innocence of their darling children, they’d be queuing up to collect reward money. Heck, children might even drop dimes on Ma & Pa!