Ping for later.
I never remember jokes so I’ll be back to steal these so I can send them to my son. THANKS Y’ALL!
Stolen from a Breitbart poster:
Attorney riding in his limo sees a family on the side of the road on their hands and knees. He tells his driver to pull over and see if there is a PI case there. The driver informs him that the family is so poor they are eating the grass. The attorney tells the family “ get in the limo, I will feed you!. I will take you to my home. Later the mother asks “ are you really going to feed us?” And the attorney says “ hell yes, I fired the Gardner two weeks ago and the grass is out of control”...
Little girl comes down a country path pulling a great big bull. A farmer coming the other way says, “What are you doing?” “I’m taking this bull down to the cows so he can mate with them.” “Well, can’t your father do that?” “No . . . it’s gotta’ be a bull.”
Guy goes into a taxidermy shop with two dead rabbits. “Do you want them mounted?” the taxidermist asked. “No . . . just holding hands.”
The air is always different to a midget on a crowded elevator.
Guy sitting at a bar tells his buddy that he got a job as a diesel fitter in a pantyhose factory. “What’s that?” “Well, I take the pantyhose off the machine, hold them up, and say, “Hey, Diesel Fitter.”
Fun!
They don’t call us “goofie-newfies” for nothing! Laughs aside, I’m a Newfoundland girl, and I resemble that remark! (giggles!)
A doctor, an engineer, and a computer scientist were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
Then, the programmer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But where do you think all the chaos came from?”
Questions from a semi-intelligent, public school graduate
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
>Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
>Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?
>How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
>How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
>How young can you die of old age?
>Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?
>If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
>If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
>If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
>If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
>If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
>If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
>If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
>If you’re born again, do you have two belly buttons?
>What if there were no hypothetical situations?
>Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
>Will your answer to this question be no?
>If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?
>If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
>Is there another word for synonym?
>Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
>Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
>If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?
>Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
>If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?
>If swimming’s such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?
>If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?
>How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?
>Do we make bombs better or worse?
>Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?
>If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?
>Can you learn to read from a “Reading for Dummies” book?
A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
Jokes that are so bad, the’re good!
CITY SLICKER: Hey! That pig only has three legs! What happened to it? Was it born that way?
FARMER: Well, no...I'm glad you asked. That pig is s special-un. He saved the life of me and my family. Our farm was on fire while we were all sleeping, and that there pig got loose, came into the house and raised such a ruckus, and wouldn't stop, that we all woke. We couldn't find our way out, and that there pig led us through the smoke and fire to safety. Yea, he is a special-un. So, we feel an obligation to treat him right special.
CITY SLICKER: That's amazing! What happened to his leg, did he injure it in the fire?
FARMER: Oh, no. A pig that special, you just don't eat all at once.
Boudreaux been fish’n down by de bayou all day and he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he’d git bit. He snuk up behin’ dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din’t lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun Boudreaux’s
arm try’n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat ha cain’t let go dat snake or he’s gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint of moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake’s mouf.
Well, dat snake’s eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin’.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin’ tappin’ on his barefoot toe. He look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs.
HEY, MY NUGGETS ARE STAYING RIGHT WHERE THE LORD HUNG THEM ON ME!
