Posted on 09/02/2015 6:46:47 PM PDT by Daniel Clark
The College Football Czar: Week 1
If you're reading the College Football Czar’s week one picks, that must mean that yet another long summer of terrible TV is about to come to a merciful end. So – if you’ve found yourself holding up a pencil in front of the television and yelling “not so fast” at the morning weatherman... If you’ve been bringing home bags of tiny rubber pellets, in order to give your living room carpet a more footbally feel... If you’ve let yourself be henpecked into renting Jerry Maguire, just because it’s sort of, more-or-less tangentially related to football, even though you know it’s crap – then do not despair, for another exciting, fun-filled season of college football has arrived, not a moment too soon.
The Czar was pleasantly surprised that the National Labor Relations Board vacated a decision by its renegade Chicago office, which had claimed that the football players at Northwestern were employees of the university and therefore could be unionized. The NLRB did not go so far as to reverse that judgment, but instead concluded that it does not have jurisdiction over publicly-funded schools, and that it would create instability if it held that players at private schools were employees, whereas the rest remained student athletes. The ruling obliviously asserted that the NU players would be given an unfair advantage by being able to bargain collectively, whereas their conference foes could not. A fat lot of good that would do them, since their program would all but assuredly have folded.
The Northwestern players’ votes on unionization, cast last April, will be destroyed. Therefore, we’ll never know how many of the Wildcats were following the lead of ex-quarterback Kain Colter, who initiated the effort in order to suck up to a professor. The demise of the Cats’ program would have been no great loss for Colter, who had already finished his four years in Evanston, which leads the Czar to wonder why he should have had any standing before the board in the first place.
Colter’s illiterately named faux-union, the College Athletes Players Association (no, really!), receives its financial support from the United Steelworkers. Surely, most USW members can think of a more constructive use for their dues than to fund a campaign to destroy college athletics.
On the lighter side of college football news, USC head coach Steve Sarkisian is hereby nominated for the Lardhead of the Year Award, for his foul-mouthed and drunken harangue at a reception for Trojan boosters. Sarkisian, who was seen getting chewed out backstage by athletic director Pat Haden, later apologized, but the damage was done. Good luck controlling the behavior of a hundred college kids, if that’s the example he’s going to set.
Haden, you might recall, came all the way down to the sideline from the press box during last year’s game against Stanford, in order to defend his coach against an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. If he didn’t feel silly enough about that at the time, he probably does now.
Is it too late for the College Football Czar to take back his prediction that USC will win the Pac 12 and play for the national championship? Oh, well. Without further ado, here are the Czar’s week one picks.
Sept. 3
North Carolina vs. South Carolina
This 6 o’clock season opener is a neutral-site game in Charlotte, where the fans get to see some good old fashioned American football before their new Division I-A team, the University of the USSR, takes the field.
It’s a little-known fact that Soviet football was a lot like American football, except that the ball was edible. Think our college teams play hard when there’s some trinket on the line, like the Old Brass Spittoon? Just imagine how intensely fought the game must have been when they were battling for possession of the last remaining loaf of bread in Minsk.
These neighboring rivals last met in another Thursday night opener two years ago in Columbia, when the Gamecocks stormed out to a 17-0 first-quarter lead, before coasting to a 27-10 final. The Tarheel defense, which was torched for long TDs to open and close the scoring that night, has since shown no signs of improvement. A year ago, they came just two yards short of allowing 500 per game for the season.
Charlotte, like Cincinnati, is known as The Queen City. In case you’re wondering why multiple cities would want to claim such a title, it’s just so they can have a cheap excuse to play “We Are The Champions” at every sporting event. Not exactly worth it, in the Czar’s opinion, but at least it’s better than inflicting that crappin’ Journey song on the fans again.
South Carolina 48, North Carolina 34
TCU at Minnesota
The lizard kings must think they can do anything, after manhandling Ole Miss in the Peach Bowl, 42-3. That victory capped their season at 12-1, the first time they’ve posted the same kind of record as a Big XII member that they’d become used to in the Mountain West.
Last year in Fort Worth, the Golden Gophers lost 30-7, but that was while dual-threat QB Mitch Leidner was trying to play through a knee injury. Leidner, who had been hurt during the previous week’s win over Middle Tennessee, turned the ball over four times before being taken out in the fourth quarter.
The Gophers’ TCF Bank Stadium, which is serving as the temporary home of the Minnesota Vikings, made a big demonstration of its disapproval of the Washington Redskins last year. But a slur against the French is okay, apparently. They’re even horny frogs. How stereotypical can you get? The French get no respect. We even make fun of them for being anti-hygienic, as if the Indians showered so much more often.
TCU 29, Minnesota 20
Michigan at Utah
Wolverine fans probably don’t remember last year’s soggy 26-10 defeat fondly, but maybe they should. It was that game that effectively ended the Brady Hoke era, and led to the hiring of Jim Harbaugh.
This experienced Ute defense led the Pac 12 in sacks a year ago, and should be able to get to dropback QB Jake Rudock, the graduate transfer from Iowa who will probably start for the U of M. How well Rudock’s OL can protect him in this game should give an indication of whether Harbaugh’s team can compete in the Big Ten East.
Those striped helmets of the maize and blue may look at home in the Beehive State, but the Wolverines haven’t won a game west of the Mississippi since beating Minnesota in 2008, and they haven’t won a regular season game west of Big Ten country since trudging past winless Hawaii in 1998.
The nickname “Beehive State” isn’t exactly a tourist magnet, is it? Just imagine your family sitting around the table planning a vacation, when somebody pipes up and says, “Let’s go to that place with all the bees!”
Utah 20, Michigan 17
Western Kentucky at Vanderbilt
Vandy got its ‘dores blown off in last year’s Thursday night opener, a shocking 37-7 home loss to Temple. That result became more understandable as the season wore on, and the Commodores finished 3-9, beating only Umass, Old Dominion, and Division I-AA Charleston Southern.
The Hilltoppers have given up 114 points in their last two games, and won them both. They spoiled Marshall’s undefeated season with a 67-66 overtime upset in their regular season finale, and then withstood a furious Central Michigan flurry in the fourth quarter of the Bahamas Bowl, where they prevailed 49-48.
Since climbing to Division I-A in 2007, WKU is 1-0 in Nashville, but not against VU. For some reason or other, their 2013 season opener against Kentucky was played as a neutral-site game in a neighboring state. Perhaps they thought that an intrastate matchup could not be held in a “commonwealth.” Or maybe they’d been driving their team buses around looking for the State of Western Kentucky, and eventually just gave up.
Western Kentucky 42, Vanderbilt 31
Duke at Tulane
A year ago, the Blue Devils’ 47-13 blowout was one of three nonconference games they played against Division I-A foes, each of which finished with a record of 3-9. For the season, they only played three teams that finished with winning records, and lost to all of them. Happily for them, that should not factor into this rematch at Yulman Stadium, against a Green Wave team that was held to 14 points or fewer eight times in 2014.
The Wave tries to establish a home field advantage in its second year at its new digs. That’s important, because the first four road games – at Georgia Tech, Temple, Navy and Memphis – threaten to wipe out their season.
Yulman may be a funny name for a stadium, but because it’s in New Orleans, the Czar figures it must be named after Yul Brynner – who, as explained in The Magnificent Seven, was a Cajun. You know, just like Charlton Heston was Mexican, John Wayne was Mongolian, and Errol Flynn was a drunken Communist scumbucket.
Well, one out of four’s not bad.
Duke 38, Tulane 18
Colorado at Hawaii
The folks from Colorado planned a trip to Honolulu because they believed that hoax about the lyrics to “Puff the Magic Dragon.” As long as they’re in town anyway, they decided to stick around and play some football.
The Buffaloes lost their last eight games of 2014, but four of those were by five points or fewer. Their last victory was at home against these same Warriors last September, by a final of 21-12. Wide receiver Nelson Spruce cleaned up with 13 catches for 172 yards and a touchdown.
Rainbow Warrior quarterback Max Wittek has faced the Buffaloes twice before, but barely. Wittek, who plays his first game at UH since transferring from Southern Cal, has completed 3 of 5 passes with a touchdown in two mop-up appearances against CU. His only two starts for the Trojans came at the end of the 2012 season, in a 22-13 loss to an unbeaten but vulnerable Notre Dame team, and then a suffocating 21-7 defeat to Georgia Tech in the Sun Bowl.
As if that weren’t embarrassing enough, Max Wittek has spent most of his time since then trying to convince people that he was not the band leader for Late Night with Conan O’Brien.
Colorado 40, Hawaii 24
Sept. 4
Charlotte at Georgia State
The Carolina Commies play their first-ever Division I-A football game against a second-year GSU squad that has yet to tally its first win over a Division I-A opponent. The Panthers opened last season with a wild 38-37 victory against I-AA Abilene Christian, but have since lost 11 straight.
Like their opponents this week, the 49ers have joined the ranks of Division I-A football without having been particularly successful at the I-AA level. Last season, they finished 5-6, and were the only team to lose to Elon College all year long.
The Georgia Dome holds just under 70,000, but as far as the Panthers are concerned, its capacity is 28,155. They know they’re not going to sell the upper-level seats, so they simply choose not to count them. That’s what’s known as “WNBA math.”
Georgia State 30, Charlotte 5
Washington at Boise State
Former Bronco coach Chris Petersen brings his Huskies back to Boise, where he led BSU to a 92-12 record over 8 years. He was only 1-2 against UW, including a 38-6 loss to open the 2013 season.
The Broncs have nine starters returning on offense, but the two that are missing are at the QB and tailback positions, and it could take a few games for the competition to sort itself out.
The Huskies’ hopes of staying competitive in the Pac 12 are hindered by the loss of quarterback Cyler Miles, who was forced to quit football by a recurring hip injury. Neither of his possible replacements – Jake Browning or K.J. Carta-Samuels – has yet played in a single college game.
K.J. is the younger brother of Austyn Carta-Samuels, the former QB at Wyoming and Vanderbilt, who is now a graduate assistant for Missouri. The Czar has often heard there’s something you can’t put a Carta before. Hopefully, it’s not Samuels, or boy, will those guys feel silly.
Boise State 20, Washington 10
Kent State at Illinois
The College Football Czar thought the Fighting Illini would surprise people this year, but he didn’t think they’d do it before kickoff of the opening game. Just a week before this opener, the Illini fired head coach Tim Beckman, following a review of allegations that he had suppressed injury reports and pressured players to play through injuries that should have had them sidelined. Beckman denies the accusations and is threatening to sue.
The interim coach is offensive coordinator Bill Cubit, who was unjustly fired after one bad season as head coach of Western Michigan in 2012. Cubit compiled an eight-year record of 51-47 at WMU, making his most recent of three bowl appearances in 2011.
The Golden Flashes went from the pan into the fire in coach Paul Haynes’ second season, finishing 2-9 after a November game at Buffalo was mercifully canceled. They were competitive in 7 of those 9 losses, though, and they could turn those close games in their favor if they can get a full season out of RB Traylon Durham. The 250-lb senior missed the entire 2014 season after multiple ankle surgeries.
Cubit is not exactly an ideal name for a football coach, especially one who’s been a longtime offensive coordinator. That’s because a cubit is an ancient unit of measurement approximately equal to half a yard. Perhaps that means he should be coaching South Florida instead.
Illinois 26, Kent State 14
Sept. 5
Penn State at Temple
Not counting neutral-sites, the Nittany Lions were held to 13 points in each of their first three road games of 2014. They finally broke that mark in their final road game of the season, a 16-14 loss at Illinois.
This game could be decided by which team’s junior quarterback takes better care of the ball. Christian Hackenberg and P.J. Walker each threw more interceptions than touchdowns last year, but each of them should receive better protection behind a solidifying offensive line.
The prospect of scheduling home nonconference games like this is why it was so important for the Owls to secure a lease for Lincoln Financial Field, which they did in 2003. Once they accomplished that, it was stupid of the Big East to expel them anyway. But then, among football organizations, the Big East has shown the worst foresight of anybody since the USFL.
Not only did the USFL fail to see that moving to a fall schedule would doom it, but it actually believed that professional football would flourish in Portland.
Penn State 17, Temple 13
Georgia Southern at West Virginia
The Mountaineers must be dreading October, not only because those Duck Dynasty Halloween costumes are out this year, but because their opposition that month is nothing short of monstrous. If they want their soft November schedule to remain relevant, it’s very important that they secure an opening win over this Eagle team.
For some reason or other, first-year Division I-A teams are ineligible to play in bowl games. If the Czar knew who was responsible for that, he’d nominate that person for the Lardhead of the Year Award. Last season, the Eagles went 9-3, with road losses to Nc State, Georgia Tech and Navy. That’s as good a season as any Sun Belt team has ever had.
Q: Why does the sun wear a belt?
A: Because suspenders are dorky.
West Virginia 33, Georgia Southern 24
Texas at Notre Dame
The Fighting Irish haven’t played a game yet, but they’ve already avenged last year’s loss to Florida State by sabotaging the Seminoles with QB Everett Golson. Assuming that the new starter, Malik Zaire, is more sure-handed, that by itself is enough to prevent a repeat of the four-game skid that spoiled last season.
The men of steer didn’t do much leaping over tall buildings in a single bound last year. In fact, they had trouble just making it over the line of scrimmage. In Charlie Strong’s first season as head coach, the Longhorns finished outside the Top 100 in both points scored and yardage gained.
Ongoing renovations at Notre Dame Stadium are supposed to result in Touchdown Jesus being more visible from the field. That must be some waiting list they’ve got, that the Son of God could only get limited-view seating for the past several decades.
Notre Dame 23, Texas 7
Arizona State at Texas A&M
Officially, this may be a neutral-site game, but the Czar does not regard it as such, because Houston is only 95 miles from College Station. By comparison, the University of Arkansas is twice as far from its alternate home field in Little Rock.
The Conjunction Boys malfunctioned last year after a 4-0 start, losing 5 of 7 to end the regular season. Much of the difference was in the strength of the opposition, which does not speak well of their chances against the Pac 12 contenders from ASU.
Sun Devil QB Mike Bercovici is not a returning starter, but he did see significant playing time last year. In fact, he led his team to consecutive victories over USC and Stanford.
You’d think they’d want to get more than 95 miles away from College Station, because they might still be able to tune it in from there. That college music is some horrid stuff.
Arizona State 55, Texas A&M 41
Brigham Young at Nebraska
Famously modest coach Mike Riley arrives in Lincoln, where he must wish his kindred spirit, Merely an Abdullah, was still playing. With Abdullah’s departure, and Riley’s determination to keep QB Tommy Armstrong in the pocket, rushing yards could be harder to come by than they’ve been for the coach’s past few seasons at Oregon State.
BYU doesn’t like to publicize its player suspensions, but they’re bound to be without several starters because of the brawl at the end of their double-overtime Miami Beach Bowl loss to Memphis. In addition, senior RB Jamaal Williams has decided to leave school, at least for the semester.
The Cougars’ lack of discipline in that bowl game was apparent long before the melee. What head coach Bronco Mendenhall saw that day was so appalling that he’s decided to take over the defensive play calling responsibilities. That, combined with the return of injured QB Taysom Hill, gives them a chance to emerge from their daunting September schedule with a record of .500 or better.
Has it occurred to anyone that if Riley is so modest, there just might be a good reason for that?
Brigham Young 13, Nebraska 12
Alabama vs. Wisconsin
Paul Chryst’s 19-19 record at Pitt was worse than the material he had to work with. Nevertheless, he was the natural choice to coach the Badgers, since he’d been an assistant there, and is presumably among the tiny number of candidates who can tolerate working for Barry Alvarez.
ESPN says Bama’s schedule is the toughest in the nation, but that’s just typical SEC suckuppery. Not only doesn’t Wisconsin figure to contend this year, but the Crimson Tide’s other nonconference opponents are Middle Tennessee, Louisiana-Monroe, and Division I-AA Charleston Southern. If you want to see a really solid schedule, try Michigan, Texas or Notre Dame.
Obviously, the Tide have fielded some great teams during the Saban era, but why are they automatically entitled to a preseason Top 5 ranking? This is a team with a quarterback controversy, an untested receiving corps, a questionable kicker, and a loose cannon as offensive coordinator. If they really did play that tough a schedule, they’d never escape it with fewer than three losses.
Befitting such an overstated opener, this neutral-site game is being played in Arlington, at Jerry Jones’ House of Inadequacy.
Alabama 21, Wisconsin 6
Stanford at Northwestern
The Cardinal defense usually makes its opponents smart, but that won’t be necessary in this battle between the proudest academic institutions in the Pac 12 and Big Ten.
The Wildcat defense played well last year also, especially in early wins over Penn State and Wisconsin. It didn’t get much help, however, from an offense that tallied 20 points or fewer for five consecutive games.
It’s a good thing the Wildcats got their team name long before Kain Colter showed up, or else they might now be known as the Northwestern University College Feline Wildcats Football Players Athletes Kinda Guys.
Stanford 22, Northwestern 17
Auburn vs. Louisville
Both teams are rebuilding, but AU coach Gus Malzahn already knows which parts he’s putting where. The Cards’ Bobby Petrino is still staring at the pieces scattered on the floor, and puzzling over an instruction booklet that’s illiterate in four languages.
Tiger QB Jeremy Johnson is expected to succeed immediately. It sure helps to have his first start against a Cardinal team that must replace its entire starting defensive backfield.
This neutral-site game is being played in the Georgia Dome. That is, if the previous day’s Charlotte-Georgia State game isn’t enough to make the poor building implode itself.
Auburn 51, Louisville 28
Virginia at UCLA
The Bruins only won last year’s meeting 28-20, but then they also struggled with Memphis and Texas before hitting their stride. The team that defeated Arizona and USC later in the season would not have had so much trouble against these Cavs.
Expect the London Blitz to fly fewer sorties this season, with all the Cavaliers’ starting linebackers gone from last year, along with half of the defensive line. As a unit, the defense is more likely to be where it was in 2013, when it ranked a respectable but unremarkable #48 in the nation, as opposed to last year, when it was 20 spots higher.
One of the most famous state mottos is “Virginia is for lovers.” It’s a little-known fact that the city of Los Angeles has its own motto: “L.A. is for unfeeling patrons of cynical flesh merchants.”
As you can see, they don’t have very good writers in that town, which goes a long way toward explaining Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.
UCLA 34, Virginia 17
UNLV at Northern Illinois
Leave it to the school in Vegas to think that the hiring of a head coach from high school is an idea that’s due to pay off. After all, Gerry Faust led Notre Dame through an uncharacteristic era of mediocrity, and Todd Dodge drove a small but successful North Texas program into oblivion, so what are the odds of new Rebel coach Tony Sanchez failing as well?
Last year, the College Football Czar gave NIU quarterback Drew Hare the nickname Wudy the Wabbit, and if you remember Bill Murray’s advice for the big race, you’ll know why. When Wudy keeps the ball, he doesn’t look to the sidelines, but instead goes straight through the defense, nimbly ducking under and hopping over would-be tacklers. Let’s see the big loser from Camp Mohawk try to follow him.
The odd thing about Meatballs was that the Mohawk guys should have won everything anyway, but they always cheated, apparently for its own sake. Kind of like a certain NFL team we all know.
Northern Illinois 45, UNLV 23
Sept. 6
Purdue at Marshall
If, on the last Sunday before the NFL regular season, there’s only one football game being played, why this one? As long as Fox Sports 1 has the whole audience to itself, you’d think it could have arranged a more compelling matchup.
The new QB for the Thundering Herd is Michael Birdsong, who probably hears a lot of those, way up there at 6-foot-5. Birdsong already has two years’ experience as a starter, albeit at Division I-AA James Madison.
The offense of the Boilermakers has been enough to drive one to drink multiple alcoholic beverages simultaneously. Last season, they were held to 17 points or fewer on seven occasions, including a season-ending defeat against undermanned Indiana.
In case you’ve ever wondered how a herd can thunder, the answer is really quite simple. Like Rocky Balboa, they eat lightning.
Marshall 35, Purdue 16
Sept. 7 Ohio State at Virginia Tech The Buckeyes may be national champions, but they must still be sick of hearing how they didn’t deserve their Sugar Bowl berth because of that terrible, terrible loss to the Gobblers (which was no worse than Baylor’s loss to West Virginia, but the Czar digresses).
Tech’s offense has plenty of experience, but at what? A year ago, they unBeamerly ranked only eighth in the ACC in rushing, while the erratic arm of Michael Brewer was a constant liability. They only managed to crack the lumpy nuts by taking advantage of quarterback J.T. Barrett’s first start, during which he threw one touchdown and three interceptions. For the rest of the season, he tossed 33 TDs to only seven picks.
OSU will be without four players for this opener, including defensive end Joey Bosa. As far as ESPN has been able to discern, the players must have been guilty of missing curfew, or counterfeiting, or grand theft Zamboni, or something.
There’d be no need to steal a Zamboni if they hadn’t fired Jim Tressel, who could’ve told the guys where they can get a used one for practically nothing.
Ohio State 27, Virginia Tech 3
Thank God it’s September!!
Lol, typical SEC envy and denial of reality. You are an ignoramus if you actually think Alabama's schedule is something to make light of. And your little column is not worth reading.
SEC is s joke. The tourney last year proved it. Lost in the first round.
ping
Thanks for posting - I didn’t realize a game was on tonight - although I came back to read the story since it was halftime. Lots of empty seats. Turnout may have been better at some of the Texas high school games last weekend.
How does it look for my West Virginia Mountainers?
Final:
WKU 14, Vandy 12
Ooh, thanks so much for this info!
My hero is the guy who spent so much time on his couch during bowl game season that he developed a blood clot in his legs. Now that is the epitome of dedication! ;-)
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