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Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the “Walmartians” is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.
But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Vietnam Vet?”
“No,” I replied.
“Then why are you wearing that cap?”
“Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812.”
I thought this was a snappy retort.
“The War of 1812, huh?” the “Walmartian” queried, “When was that?”
God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity. “1936,”
I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”
“It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it.”
This was beginning to be way too much fun!
“Dude! Really?” he exclaimed.
“How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice said. “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”
“Dude,” he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, “that is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you kind of stand out?”
“Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage.”
The moron nodded knowingly.
“Listen man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still ‘top secret’ and I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Oh yeah?” he gave me that, ‘don’t threaten me look.’ “Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”
With a really hard look I said, “You have a family don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?”
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw the Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.
What a great time I had!
Tomorrow I’m going back with my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.
Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
Top Ten?
Missed it by *that* much!
That story about WalMart was hysterical!
Just what i needed to brighten my day. :-)
^10?
Top Ten?
Top 11
LMAO!
IN!
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal*Mart?"
No the other one.
No the other one.
Top 25?
The Proposition.
A cowboy walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine Mister.
The barber began to lather his face - while a woman with the most beautiful breasts he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
Gazing at these for a while, the cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”
She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.”
The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime - and I’ll pay you the difference.”
She said, “You tell him - he’s the one shaving you.”
WHOA THERE PARDNER, AH WUZ JEST MAKIN’ CONVERSATION, TRYING TO BE POLITE AND FLATTER THE LADY!!
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
KIDS WITH AMBITION
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Kevin says: “I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the Finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Kevin’s whore.”
Joan Rivers Greatest Lines
I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me was 1963.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.
My vagina is like Newark. Men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp.
I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.
When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, “Will she live?” He said, “Only if you take your foot off her throat.”
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.
My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
I was the only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighborhood. They all did Hail Marys, I did Hail Murrays.
You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, “Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.”
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Princess Diana and the Queen are driving down the lane when their car is forced off the road by masked thieves. “Out of the car and hand over your jewels.” After the thieves rob them and steal their car, Diana begins to put her earrings, necklace, and rings back on. “Wherever did you hide those,” demanded the Queen. “Where do you think?” asked Diana. “Pity Margaret wasn’t here,” said the Queen. “We could have saved the Bentley.”
I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s ‘Believe It or Not’ and he sent it back and said, “I don’t believe it.”
California is druggy, druggy, druggy. If it is white and it is on the table, they are gonna sniff it. I have a friend who O.D.’ed in the beauty shop on dandruff.
The women in California, they get scared. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, “He’s flashing! He’s flashing!” In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss.
Don’t you hate McDonald’s? I heard you can’t get a job there unless you have a skin condition.
Stevie Wonder, that poor son of a bitch. Who’s going to tell him he’s wearing a macramé plant holder on his head?
When the rabbi said, “Do you take this man,” 14 guys said, “She has.”
My husband bought the horseback-riding story, thank God.
Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.
Elizabeth Taylor is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.
You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell mom backwards.
I was so flat, I used to put Xs on my chest and write, “You are here.” I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
I blame myself for David Gest. It was me who told Liza Minnelli to find herself a man who wouldn’t sleep with other women.
The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest — most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish-looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed together, kind of like Renée Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.
The most beautiful women in the world are always the dumbest. The most beautiful woman in the whole world, Bo Derek …
This woman is an idiot. She studies for her Pap test.
I was dating a proctologist with a sense of humor. We’d go out for drinks, he’d go, “Bottoms up.”
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
I was dating a football player. He was so dumb. The man could not count to 21 unless he was naked.
Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born ... He should have been there when it was conceived.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I saw my first porno film recently. It was a Jewish porno film — one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.
Not all plastic surgeons are good. My cousin went to one and told him she wanted to turn back the hands of time. Now she has a face that could stop a clock.
Everybody talks about multiple orgasm. Multiple orgasm — I’m lucky if both sides of my toaster pop.
Madonna has just lost 30 pounds — she shaved her legs.
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
The one thing women do not want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
Want to know why women don’t blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
A: Because they can spend years at C!
Q: Why did the pirate give up golf?
A: He kept hooking the ball!
Q: What has eight eyes, eight arms and eight legs?
A: Four rookie pirates!
Q: Pirates get a bad rep. They’re not all bad.
A: Granted, they’re not saints, but many have been cannonized!!
Q: Did you hear what happened when Bluebeard the Pirate fell into the Red Sea?
A: He got marooned!
Q: What happens to people who read a list of lame pirate ARRRRrrrrgh jokes?
A: They got HOOKED!!!