Posted on 01/01/2013 9:11:57 PM PST by San Rafael Blue
I'm sure other middle-aged adults are going through similar situations. I live on the west coast, but hail from back east, Michigan, to be precise. I grew up in a huge bricked home with full basement, attic, four bedrooms two bathrooms. I am still very close to my three siblings and to Dad. St. Cecilia, The Catholic grade school we attended is still functioning, and only two blocks from the house. Daddy attends 9am Mass each Sunday. My Mother passed away about 20 years ago.
The 'Problem' is that our sweet old family home is completely falling apart, inside and out. The four of us adult children used to stage emergency intervention meetings with Daddy, trying a little tough love, to convince him that it is way past time to get out, to rent a smaller place. Our Dad deserves so much better, he and our Mom gave us so much. It still hurts to see him so sanguine, so at peace, sitting in that falling-down kind of house.
The Daddy of 1983 would never, never have tolerated, or defended living in such a manner. He is still a wise man, and a deep caring soul, but seems not to notice the condition of his home as it exists today. Oh well. Dad would say, ;Not yet', I have to get the place cleaned up first'. I believe he actually has changed over the years, and now wishes to move out, but it will have to occur on his schedule, not ours. Our approach to this issue has changed since then. Stop fighting him about doing what we four want done, relax and cherish the moments now!
It may have been around four years ago, after the first oily wave of Obamination Fever, we four made a tacit agreement to just stop bringing it up unbidden. We have decided to accept that at this stage in his life, Daddy must make this decision if at all possible.
For a while, I even toyed with the idea of calling the local health /Sanitation Dept. or some organization devoted to Senior Health and Well-being. I was going to report that a most serious injustice is now occuring to a wonderful christian man, and perhaps he should be 'persuaded' by the local authorities to move out. What if he were to return to the house after church one sunday only to find the front door chained and padlocked shut? ''Oh, look what happened!! Wow, now I guess you'll HAVE TO MOVE OUT...right? Then, he would have to, have to move on. I have always been one to overthink a scenario, to become macavaillian (sp). I was quickly talked out of any well meaning sabotage. Might have been too much of a shock, may have been seen as my betrayal. I'm the only one of us four who would even consider something so over the top.
We four have decided to enjoy whatever time we have left with our Dad, without being put on his s%@t list. That man has an elephant's memory. My Dad usd to be an assistant boxing coach at Kronx Boxing near Detroit, and has been a guiding light to hundreds of inner city youth or to their sons. Visiting has become much easier since I come to see and talk to my Dad, not to bloviate, or to stage yet another failed intervention. I will instead offer to put the storm windows up for the oncoming winter. It get's cold this close to Windsor Ontario(Canada). I think one reason Daddy hangs onto that place is because our Mother's loving, laughing spirit is still there, even among the dust and debri.
Same here. When my grandfather died, my father and his three sibs argued my grandmother into leaving her home. She was devastated and sank into an even greater sorrow. People may not realize how much meaning, how many sweet, consoling memories and even hopes can be contained in what looks to outsiders like a piece of junk. This is true of people at any age.
One reason that many elderly people become so heartbroken and then die after they are moved to a nursing home is that they lose the sights, places, experiences, objects, and people they love, and with the loss of those things goes the loss of hope that life will someday go back to normal, that things can be happy again. Depression causes a suppression of the immune system. They then get infections, are weakened, get more problems, and finally die.
Sounds like he wants YOU to visit HIM.
Well... we did visit him this past summer for his birthday... We were there for a week. What he really wants is us to live near him in MA, which is really not going to happen.
That’s pretty low of you, FREEKITTY, to label me “Jackass”. I care very much for my father. I have to get used to the undilluted blunt manner of speech one gets through the internet. It’s quite easy and satisfying to ‘tell it like it is’, sans diplomacy or empathy. Yes, I’ve done it too. Sometimes it is appropriate.
If you will kindly re-read my entry, you will see that I don’t live in my homestate anymore. I live in California, my Dad, and sisters all remain in Michigan. I only see them once a year for my Thanksgiving Visit. I have already helped Daddy, going up the wobbly stairwell he can no longer navigate, cleaning the attic and clearing the upstairs bedrooms of their 13 hefty bags filled with rubbish. I continue to be his Workman by request when I visit.
My Dad has some finances, having retired from General Motors years ago, plus other job subsidies. My sisters call, visit and cook for him a couple times a week. He has a ‘lady friend’ who has become like a stepmom to us.
We all of us work together to ensure his welfare, hopefully stopping short of getting on his nerves. Think first FREEKITTY before making such assumptions. Your innocuous avatar does not suit your venom.
Glad to hear all this. Good of you to clean things up and for your sisters to help.
Is there any chance that all of you could pool your resources to get the house repaired? I hesitate to say this, but you know it’s true: at some point your father is going to pass away, and then the house will be sold. That means the repairs will have to be made sooner or later. Might be better to do them sooner, when your father can benefit, than later.
I didn’t label you anything SAN RAFEL BLUE. I was referring to the author. Please quit TWISTING my words to suit you.
You are a good person.
I also believe I was talking to cherry.
My mistake, and my apology.
If I was the old guy I’d use up their “inheritance” fixing up the house and will it and any money left to whomever is willing to sacrifice just a little bit of their time in helping him live relatively independently or maybe his dog.
You are welcome.
You honor your elders. Most likely they made sacrifices for you.
_________________________
The second part of that thought is Parents, do not exasperate your children.
In other words, WORK WITH THEM.
Mom will be 80 in April. We lost Dad three years ago. She is getting frailer and less able to handle things in what she calls “Daddy’s house.”
We had a small scare with her after Christmas and she and I talked. I told her what I feared about her being alone and she assured me that she would start being more careful and allow us to help her more. (She’s an independent gal!) She knows that I respect her independence and that she never had to worry about her desires being overridden.
We agreed on her telling us when it is getting to be too much and we’d discuss options.
There’s a company in Connecticut that is called Palsbuilt that installs modular units to a “host Home”. They are small assisted living units and allow a senior/s to live with their family; but in their own space and with their own entrance. Looks neat if a family can do it.
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