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FBI Admits Suspected Brain Damage Was Factor in "No Indictment" Decision [semi-satire]
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Sep 2016 | John Semmens

Posted on 09/02/2016 7:19:23 PM PDT by John Semmens

It was revealed this week that suspected brain damage was a key factor in FBI Director James Comey's decision to recommend against indicting former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for her serial lawbreaking and security breaches regarding her emails.

"In the interview with our agents the former Secretary came across as a person of seriously diminished mental capacity," FBI spokesman William Dodge explained. "She couldn't recall ever having been briefed on security matters—despite being shown her signature on a document affirming she had. She professed not to know that the letter 'C' on emails meant 'confidential. She couldn't remember who she asked to set up her private off site server. She 'misplaced' a dozen mobile devices that had classified communications on them. She couldn't even remember the name of the ambassador killed in Benghazi. It was clear to us that Secretary Clinton would likely plead 'not guilty by reason of diminished mental capacity.'"

"When you add in testimony from her chief aides describing her as 'often confused' and 'frequently disoriented' it appeared that taking the matter to trial would have been a highly risky undertaking," Dodge said. "Win or lose, a trial would have shown that from 2009 to 2013 the US State Department was being headed by a person who was either cavalierly indifferent to the law or too impaired to have been entrusted with such a demanding position of responsibility. When we include the rather substantial indications that Secretary Clinton may have inappropriately used her government position to solicit monetary rewards it was clear that the Administration's reputation could have sustained significant negative impact. Rather than invite this trauma, Director Comey opted for saving the nation from it, much in the same way that former President Ford did by pardoning Nixon."

In related news, attorneys for Hillary Clinton are said to be preparing a lawsuit challenging a potential loss at the polls, citing the Americans with Disabilities Act as the basis. "Based on the resumes of the candidates, Secretary Clinton is clearly the most qualified of the job applicants," claimed lead attorney Susan Moore. "If voters pass over her to put a less qualified person in the White House it would be a clear violation of the law barring employers from discriminating against the disabled. We hope it won't have to come to this. Voters could spare the nation the disruption and substantial monetary penalties they would be liable for by simply electing her president on November 8th."

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...

https://www.freedomsphoenix.com/Opinion/203094-2016-09-02-semi-news-semi-satire-september-4-2016-edition.htm


TOPICS: Government; Health/Medicine; History; Politics
KEYWORDS: fbi; hillary; lies; satire
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1 posted on 09/02/2016 7:19:23 PM PDT by John Semmens
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To: #1CTYankee; 12Gauge687; 14erClimb; 21twelve; 2nd Bn, 11th Mar; 2ndDivisionVet; 3D-JOY; 43north; ...

ping


2 posted on 09/02/2016 7:20:41 PM PDT by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

It’d be cruel to pursue such charges against the criminally insane.


3 posted on 09/02/2016 7:22:52 PM PDT by a fool in paradise (Obama is more supportive of Iran's right to defend its territorial borders than he is of the USA's.)
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To: John Semmens


4 posted on 09/02/2016 7:23:20 PM PDT by Bon mots
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To: John Semmens

BULL S====!!! She knows exactly what she is doing, nothing else has worked so she’s using the ‘sympathy’ vote...poor little me, I got hurt and can’t remember what I’m saying or doing...

It isn’t going to work this time, we are not stupid people that will be voting for Trump and we are not stupid people that are supporting Trump either...

There is over half of the American people that are supporting Trump and will be voting for him, she can’t fill a one stall bathroom, and that includes the camera people, the press and her SS team...

...and another one bites the dust...

GO.TRUMP/PENCE.GO!!! ALL THE WAY TO THE OVAL OFFICE!!!


5 posted on 09/02/2016 7:23:31 PM PDT by HarleyLady27 ('THE FORCE AWAKENS!!!' Trump/Pence; Trump/Pence; Trump/Pence 100%)
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To: John Semmens

ROFL
Good one


6 posted on 09/02/2016 7:31:30 PM PDT by Rightwing Conspiratr1
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To: John Semmens

Very good, John.

In fact, Excellent!


7 posted on 09/02/2016 7:32:23 PM PDT by marktwain
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To: John Semmens

Not satire.

Thanks John.


8 posted on 09/02/2016 7:33:08 PM PDT by Jet Jaguar
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To: John Semmens

Wow. This one is even better than the last one I called ‘perfect’.


9 posted on 09/02/2016 7:35:47 PM PDT by UCANSEE2 (Lost my tagline on Flight MH370. Sorry for the inconvenience.)
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To: HarleyLady27

Just because someone is mentally ill doesn’t mean they can’t also be very clever. I knew someone who was a rapid cycling Manic Depressive. She was very clever, especially about getting her way. She had no problem with lying.


10 posted on 09/02/2016 7:38:54 PM PDT by UCANSEE2 (Lost my tagline on Flight MH370. Sorry for the inconvenience.)
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To: John Semmens

Extremely good, John. Maybe its time to start watching your back.


11 posted on 09/02/2016 7:46:32 PM PDT by Buffalo Head (Illegitimi non carborundum)
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To: Bon mots

Watching her bobble head like that reminds me of the movie the Matrix. When seemingly normal people were morphing into agent Smith’s. She is a morpher, that is a given.


12 posted on 09/02/2016 7:58:21 PM PDT by justa-hairyape (The user name is sarcastic. Although at times it may not appear that way.)
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To: Bon mots

Wheres the top gif from?


13 posted on 09/02/2016 8:00:38 PM PDT by InvisibleChurch (https://thepurginglutheran.wordpress.com)
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To: John Semmens
Importing more fecund Latinos will lessen the reproductive burden on Americans. More Americans will be free to pursue their transgender dreams without guilt. More Americans will be able to have their homes cleaned and lawns mowed at a reasonable price. And more will turn out to vote for progressive candidates and policies."

Another fine/scary column, John!

14 posted on 09/02/2016 8:06:53 PM PDT by Seaplaner (Never give in. Never give in. Never...except for convictions of honour and good sense. W. Churchill)
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To: John Semmens

Got me good this time, my gasps kept getting louder and louder


15 posted on 09/02/2016 8:06:57 PM PDT by easternsky
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To: InvisibleChurch
Wheres the top gif from?

I don't remember, I made it a while ago from two separate videos.
It's an old favorite.


16 posted on 09/02/2016 8:07:35 PM PDT by Bon mots
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To: Bon mots

Thx. Just the hillary part. Is the other one manson?


17 posted on 09/02/2016 8:09:39 PM PDT by InvisibleChurch (https://thepurginglutheran.wordpress.com)
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To: InvisibleChurch
Thx. Just the hillary part. Is the other one manson?

Yup.

His 'epic answer'.

18 posted on 09/02/2016 8:15:15 PM PDT by Bon mots
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To: Bon mots

Thanks. I’m a little behind on my serial killers.


19 posted on 09/02/2016 8:26:22 PM PDT by InvisibleChurch (https://thepurginglutheran.wordpress.com)
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To: John Semmens

Prolly not satire.


20 posted on 09/02/2016 8:29:50 PM PDT by Jane Long (Go Trump, go! Make America Happy Again :)
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