Posted on 01/15/2016 7:00:26 PM PST by EBH
Last weekend my now deceased brother's daughter contacted the family. She was given up at birth, but her older brother never was.
I am NOT happy about revisiting the circumstances or the results and demise of my brother, her father, with her.
Giving a child up for adoption is almost like committing suicide. It is the last out...for the future. I have no way of candy coating her biological father. He was beyond evil in many ways. So far so, that he is the only reason I installed an alarm system on my house at the time. And he was my brother.
Her birth mother once rid of my brother went on to raise a beautiful family. My brother's first born son served in Iraqi Freedom and Fallujah. He broke the mold into which fate caste him. His sister is the one given up for adoption.
I, am on the "evil" side of the family. What and how much do I tell this new found niece? Her birth mother wants to come by and review photographs on Sunday morning?! All those photographs are in a box rotting in the basement...as they should be.
The child of then had no control over who, or what, her father may have been. He is gone. The dead have their own fates to ponder. In seeking her roots, she may well be wondering about bio-dad. "Bio-dad" was simply the sperm donor and not the formative influence on her life. Many, many good and decent people have come into life despite the foulness of their DNA. The one "success" your dead brother may have ever had could be his daughter. It seems unreasonable to condemn or exclude her for his sins. Perhaps in meeting her there may be a sense of redemption for all involved.
I wish you luck and I hope that God guides you all in the days and years ahead.
If the gal turns out to be sweet and wonderful, then you can drop the pretense and open up your home and welcome her into your life.
Tell her it must have been tough to grow up without a father like that...
I’m assuming she did grow up with a father? This doesn’t say she didn’t. Hopefully he was / is a great guy, and this visit will satisfy some curiosity. This sperm donor was never her father.
I believe your advice is among the better offered. I
would add the young lady should be told that her father’s
family are generally good people and her dad was not
representative of them. I would not want her to go away
with a bad taste in her mouth about the whole clan. That
would not be the FReeper way.
Ping
Yes. It is there in the record/papers.
Painful? Well, to be honest if was a relief for many of us.
We talk about terrorism, few really know what it means.
Your brother is gone, his child doesn’t need to suffer over the past.
You people do not get it. Genetics is not everything. This was not “his child.” Only some genes were shared, but this creep is not the man who tucked her in, taught her things, loved her, helped her grow into the young lady she is. HER ADOPTED DAD IS HER DAD.
OK, I have no children and the recent passing of my folks which I was largely in charge of (I’m the youngest @ 61 w/2 brothers, 70, 73) went symphonically, because my folks and I discussed exactly what would happen, how, and under what conditions in excruciating yet detached and objective detail. So perhaps that is the exception. Nevertheless, for reasons that are unimportant, I *do* get involved with (other peoples) family situations that are overflowing with rancor, long term jealousy and the squandering of tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees over utterly nothing.
Thus I cannot address your situation from a standpoint overflowing with emotion and worry. I apologize if this seems clinical or manipulative, but the fact is, some people are very very good at manipulating others and if you allow what you fear to occur, you will create the trap you fear most. It is indeed quite plausible that someone in the exact position you describe is 100 times the manipulator that you are.
So you either take charge of the emotional dynamic or it will be imposed on you.
I would invoke a few principles or lessons that I try to use in my affairs.
1: Once you give away a secret, you cannot get it back.
2: Do not open conversations whether to convince or weigh political issues or sell somebody something without qualifying them.
3: If you are not used to having these types of discussions (whatever that means to you) and are concerned about doors you may inadvertently open, then it’s my suggestion that you imagine the situation and rehearse some lines. I am very serious about that.
If you’re about to meet this person (the daughter) for the first time, I would meet “off-turf”. And you buy lunch. If this person knows you have a box of pictures and wants to see them...this is a piece of control you no longer have should you reveal their existence. Do they know? Why tell them? Can you show them just a picture or two and have that be that? Or do you have to delve into the entire sordid history at one sitting?
I believe you place yourself at tremendous manipulative disadvantage unless you clinically separate yourself from your emotions and develop a path envisioned in advance. And stick to it.
I think you want to take the measure of this person before you fully open the kimono.
As somebody on the opposite side of a similar situation, all I can say is that unanswered questions about origins can gnaw at you. She is probably just very curious about her history...aI would dispassionately describe it to her, IMHO.
PR’s advice is good.
Wow. She may be wise enough to realize she was lucky to never have known him.
I’m sorry you must revisit all of this. There have been days in my life I sooo did not want to face. I guess all you can do is your best. Look to how nice it will be to have it behind you. As you know, it is not this young woman’s fault. It is not yours either. But life is like a box of chocolates (to quote Forrest Gump). You never know what you are going to get. You just have to be the best person you can be in whatever circumstances are handed to you by Providence.
Her biological "father" was not her father.
Her parents are the ones who raised her, fed her, clothed her, cared for her, taught her, loved her, were there FOR her.
Very, very true.
Her history goes far beyond her birth father....
To Continentals Armies and Vikings... LOL...
She is so much more than...her bio-father.
Well, I’ll tell you this- I’ll pray for you.
You seem to be searching for grace, and people who do generally find it.
You aren’t from the “evil side of the family,” I think you might just be God’s answer for your niece to find the buried goodness of her father that us you. Be it for her.
Prayers for your good work in this and the comfort and peace for your niece and the good adoptive parents who are walking through this with her.
The sins of the father do not transmit to the child.
This is more about her than it is about you.
She needs to know her past, and you are being invited to help her find the missing pieces, good or bad.
You don’t have to sugarcoat the past, and you should not.
Your brother is responsible for his actions, not you.
You can be honest about who he was, and what happened.
This is your niece. Don’t shut her out.
Maybe there will be some healing there for both of you. I sure hope so.
Godspeed to you. Let us know how it turns out.
Shouldn’t her birth mother be the one to tell her about her father, and her past? This burden shouldn’t be put on your shoulders. I’d take it very slow. You don’t want to jump into something you might later regret getting involved in. Better safe than sorry.
Wow...and amen.
Good guidance!
Let her birth Mother handle it.Your not in charge because the Mom is still alive.Give birth Mom the box of pictures and be done with it.If you are forced to have a meeting have your Pastor or a good friend with you.Don’t do it alone.Prayers.
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