OK, I have no children and the recent passing of my folks which I was largely in charge of (I’m the youngest @ 61 w/2 brothers, 70, 73) went symphonically, because my folks and I discussed exactly what would happen, how, and under what conditions in excruciating yet detached and objective detail. So perhaps that is the exception. Nevertheless, for reasons that are unimportant, I *do* get involved with (other peoples) family situations that are overflowing with rancor, long term jealousy and the squandering of tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees over utterly nothing.
Thus I cannot address your situation from a standpoint overflowing with emotion and worry. I apologize if this seems clinical or manipulative, but the fact is, some people are very very good at manipulating others and if you allow what you fear to occur, you will create the trap you fear most. It is indeed quite plausible that someone in the exact position you describe is 100 times the manipulator that you are.
So you either take charge of the emotional dynamic or it will be imposed on you.
I would invoke a few principles or lessons that I try to use in my affairs.
1: Once you give away a secret, you cannot get it back.
2: Do not open conversations whether to convince or weigh political issues or sell somebody something without qualifying them.
3: If you are not used to having these types of discussions (whatever that means to you) and are concerned about doors you may inadvertently open, then it’s my suggestion that you imagine the situation and rehearse some lines. I am very serious about that.
If you’re about to meet this person (the daughter) for the first time, I would meet “off-turf”. And you buy lunch. If this person knows you have a box of pictures and wants to see them...this is a piece of control you no longer have should you reveal their existence. Do they know? Why tell them? Can you show them just a picture or two and have that be that? Or do you have to delve into the entire sordid history at one sitting?
I believe you place yourself at tremendous manipulative disadvantage unless you clinically separate yourself from your emotions and develop a path envisioned in advance. And stick to it.
I think you want to take the measure of this person before you fully open the kimono.
Very well said. Rehearse the situation mentally, ask yourself “what am I willing to give away”, consider the good and bad of those things you think of, and then NEVER “give away the store”. If things go well, you leave ‘em wanting more, as it were...and if they don’t, well you only offered up a few things that aren’t of great relevance to you, so they can’t hurt you.
I am not adopted, but there are things that happened in my family that I haven’t been able to find out the truth about, and it bothers me. Therefore, as I try to imagine what it would be like to be an adopted child, it seems to me that the unanswered questions probably bother them too, no matter how wonderful their adoptive parents were.
With that in mind, I agree with many others here that the right thing to do is to answer those questions, within reason . . . but OTOH it’s not at all necessary to go into personal detail about how *you* or others in your family felt about the deceased. If you give the daughter the information about exactly how he died, I think that one thing will answer many questions for her about why she was given up, and what the father was like, without you having to really say much. If you happen to have a newspaper article you could copy and give to her, or if you can give her the date it happened and let her do the research, that would probably be really helpful and let her do as much or as little “digging” into the past as she really wants.
I think Attention has the right idea also about holding this first meeting OFF your premises, instead at a restaurant or coffee house where you can sit and chat for a while — if you wish to do so — or keep the meeting brief if you feel too uncomfortable. (Even if you have already agreed to have them over to your house, please feel free to call them or email them and just tell them that a meeting at your house isn’t going to work this time, and you’d rather meet them at X coffee house at X address at X time. It won’t hurt them any. They don’t have to come to your house. Please do feel free to exercise control over all this so that *you* feel comfortable!)
I also wouldn’t bring the whole box of photos to the meeting, since that sort of thing can take hours to go through. I’d grab a handful of photos, ten or 20 maybe, and take those to the meeting. (If you feel up to it, you could go to Kinko’s or somewhere and make copies to give to her. Otherwise she may want to take the original photos with her, to make copies, and you might never get them back.)
I just want to say that I admire you for trying to help out these people, even though it sounds like the prospect makes you uncomfortable. Remember, they are probably perfectly nice people, just looking for answers to questions that niggle away at them. Bless you for trying to help out your fellow humans!