Posted on 07/28/2015 6:09:00 AM PDT by rfreedom4u
My wife is mentally ill. I realize many men say this and most are probably kidding but in my case it is 100% true. Her illness began in 1996 after the birth of our last child. At first we were told it was post-partum depression. She was hospitalized that year several times and given various medications.
We’ve never really gone to church much but she began talking about religion quite a bit so I bought her a bible (NKJ) and she devoured it. She was reading it all the time and one day I noticed she was crossing parts out and writing in the margin. I asked her why and she stated, “It was interpreted wrong and I am writing the correct interpretation.” I asked her how she knew her interpretation was correct and she said, “I get my information from God.” This lead to numerous trips to hospitals and more meds. She also began stating that she saw angels and demons and that they spoke to her. When I inquired as to what they were telling her she said I wouldn’t understand.
In the next few years she continued to have good and bad months. She was hospitalized several times over the next few years and again given various medications and diagnoses. These went from bi-polar to schizophrenic to psychotic. She has never been violent but was very adamant that we should all become vegans. She would go so far as to attempting to capture and bug she saw in the house so that she could release it into the wild.
Since I was in the military we moved several times. Each time we arrived at a new post I had to explain to my command the situation. I could see that they didn’t really believe it was as bad as I said until she started having a bad month again. Once it got so bad that I took the kids to a hotel and had to stay away for a few days.
Over the first few years of her illness I was investigated several times because she made allegations that I was abusive to both her and the children. All of these were proved false. She was paranoid and constantly accused me of sleeping around with other women. When she is “stable” she starts to think she does not need her meds and will slowly decrease her dosage (by skipping days) and eventually will stop altogether. I will notice little things in her behavior that become big things. When she starts to talk about certain things (religion, abuse, veganism) I can tell she is off her meds. I’ve tried to reason with her and get her to her shrink as soon as possible but she will become very assertive that there is nothing wrong with her. Many times I have had her hospitalized against her will as she was a threat to herself. This was usually because she was not taking care of herself or eating. Twice she was hospitalized with suicidal tendencies and once for actually attempting suicide.
Throughout all these now 19 years I have done my best to deal with her and give the kids the best lives possible. Times of high stress are the worst for her. Just this year she lost two of her three sisters to cancer and her dad passed away last month. She is now on the downslide and I predict she will be hospitalized again within the next few weeks.
All of our children are adults now. We have been married for almost 27 years (19 of which she’s been ill). I feel so worn down and beaten from dealing with this for so long that at times I feel like just packing a bag and leaving. Perhaps become a vagabond and drift around the world. If I were to do that I know she wouldn’t last long as in her times of psychosis she places herself in dangerous situations. Once she wandered off for a week and we found her in a homeless shelter. Now we are in the Houston area and it is quite dangerous to wander about the city. This world is full of bad people.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope and no longer want to deal with this anymore. Her illness stresses me out and gets me down. I want to just leave but realize that would be the worst thing for her. The next few weeks will be hard. But I will have to make my decision to stay or leave. I know the kids will be mad if I leave her because she needs help. But at the same time they will understand because they’ve seen the hell that I’ve been through. We went through it together when they were growing up. So, do I stay or do I go? I’m not even sure what I will do. I thought writing about it would make me feel a little better and maybe help in making the decision but it hasn’t.
My oldest said that she could live with her if I were to pass. I asked her if she remember her childhood and would want her kids to go through that. She has a degree in psychology and said she could handle it. I don’t think she understands the full depth of the situation though. From talking to her she still harbors some resentment from her childhood.
The crazier and louder she gets the police eventually get involved, a neighbor will call them or something. Even she might call them herself if she is paranoid enough. At some point if she is violent a judge will interdict. Great isn’t it?
Marriage vows are.... for better, or worse in sickness and in health...
My first question would be ‘Is your wife saved? Does she believe that only through Christ can one be saved?’
However her actions with marking out the Bible answer that question a no. Are you a Christian, believe the statement above?
The reason I ask is that... if you want to help her she needs to go to a pastor - one that actually follows the Bible. There is a reason why people hate Christians, have turned to sins and promote veganism (and it ain’t Science causing it.)
2 Cor. 11:14
And no wonder! For Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light.
Mark 9:29 (about a demon possessed man)
And he said to them, “This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer.”
Ephesians 6:12
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
My sympathies, you have certainly carried a heavy load. Does she have any sisters, brothers who can step forward? Or be consulted? She might be better off permanently in an institution, especially if she is a danger to herself. I certainly can’t advise you except to get some help yourself to deal with this. I would start with any family on her side, maybe even talk to a counselor yourself. Someone in Houston who would be familiar with all local resources. Prayers for you and you family.
I like the idea of the kids taking turns caring for her if your wife could handle moving around like that.
I don’t care what you say, you have acted saintly towards your wife and your children. In this day and age, spouses just run off when things are hard. You are unique.
I’ll keep praying for you, her and the kids.
It is amazing what some kids can push down after a while. Some of my sibs were able to unremember or block some things. I damn sure remembered and harbored resentments! A broken arm at two years old that no one could explain (I was too young to remember, luckily). I remembered the violent rages, and of course those were when my father was deployed off the coast of Vietnam. Heck, I resented him for a long time for leaving us with her during those deployments. Of course I came to realize that back then he had no real choice.
I tried to let my kids get to know her later in life, but she was still a vicious person, often paranoid and still the same old Mom, which is to say, not much of one. It did not work out. I valued my children and my wife too much to subject them to that for very long.
I really hope that it works out for you and hope that your wife has at least an inkling of how lucky she has been to have you. My mother ended up remarrying. He was the kindest, most generous and loving guy and when he died she was crapping on his memory before his body had gone cold.
I live near the Galleria in Houston. I can help. Seriously. I joined FR a minute ago to post to this thread. It’s at least worth an email or a phone call to find out. PLEASE email mph@healingisgodsjustice.org. God bless,
...”I have messaged the kids asking what they would do if I were to die in the next few days. I made sure to tell them that I have no plans on dying anytime soon!”....
That suggests you might need guidance outside your children on the steps you need to take ‘from here on out’...and important you get that from professionals who deal with institutionalizing people for whatever duration...which appears you need to consider.
You’re obviously in a bad place yourself...and this will continue to repeat itself unless you break your own cycle that enables things to remain as they are.
All humans have limitations on how long they can endure caring for a loved one....it’s nothing at all to be ashamed of nor should you ‘measure yourself by what others do’ to endure.
Your wife is not just your responsibility but that two of your grown children, not only to her but to you as well in this difficult situation. Though you may not think you want to burden them. This does not exclude they’re “taking care of your wife” when it would give you time and space to “refresh yourself”...in order to maintain your watch of her.
If they are do not want to that is fine too...then you need to do what you decide is best for her and yourself. ..for it is you who determine the limits you are able to go...not others. She may be better off in a place that will understand and see to her needs far better then you might after so long caring for her.....
If someone has cancer, they shouldn’t have to wait until they have acute cancer and be dying in the next two weeks before we give them care...unfortunately that’s how we operate the mental health system today. So there are places now that one can research who have filled that gap...and this is where you need to look.
And remember ....Sometimes You Do Have to Say Goodbye to Someone with a Mental Illness.
...”I have messaged the kids asking what they would do if I were to die in the next few days. I made sure to tell them that I have no plans on dying anytime soon!”....
That suggests you might need guidance outside your children on the steps you need to take ‘from here on out’...and important you get that from professionals who deal with institutionalizing people for whatever duration...which appears you need to consider.
You’re obviously in a bad place yourself...and this will continue to repeat itself unless you break your own cycle that enables things to remain as they are.
All humans have limitations on how long they can endure caring for a loved one....it’s nothing at all to be ashamed of nor should you ‘measure yourself by what others do’ to endure.
Your wife is not just your responsibility but that two of your grown children, not only to her but to you as well in this difficult situation. Though you may not think you want to burden them. This does not exclude they’re “taking care of your wife” when it would give you time and space to “refresh yourself”...in order to maintain your watch of her.
If they are do not want to that is fine too...then you need to do what you decide is best for her and yourself. ..for it is you who determine the limits you are able to go...not others. She may be better off in a place that will understand and see to her needs far better then you might after so long caring for her.....
If someone has cancer, they shouldn’t have to wait until they have acute cancer and be dying in the next two weeks before we give them care...unfortunately that’s how we operate the mental health system today. So there are places now that one can research who have filled that gap...and this is where you need to look.
And remember ....Sometimes You Do Have to Say Goodbye to Someone with a Mental Illness.
Certain foods do very weird things to people...
Google food allergies and mental illness...lots of stuff comes up...
I'd be praying for you...
Four months ago Dementia took her at age 62. The Dementia wasn't typical Dementia symptoms either. She knew who I and others were up till the day before she passed.
Some of her long term symptoms seemed Bipolar, some schizophrenic, some just psychosis falling in between. She wasn't always in the abnormal mental state there were periods of even a year or so where she seemed OK. Different medications were tried with never one that fully worked. This went on for 30 years with her husband passing three years before she did. Her doctors never reached a conclusive diagnoses but rather like most psychiatrist treated her behavioral symptoms minus trying to find the actual cause. A neurologist diagnosed her Dementia which was likely at that point correct but compounded by the other issues.
For your own physical and mental health you are going to have to get some reprieve care to give you a break for yourself for your own sanity. That is not being selfish that is a necessity for long term caregivers and it sounds like it's been quite a while since you've been there had that.. Long term caregiver which is what you have been. I've been there done that but my spouses medical issues were mainly physical ones.
I got some very wise advice 30 years ago from an elderly Nun in a hospital. My emotions had shut down because I'd been through some things very mentally traumatic. I had lost my first wife to a heart attack she was 23. Month laterby taking a job transfer I met someone else and while we were on a date she went quadriplegic almost dieing in the process. My brain said enough and for a brief period didn't allow me to feel any emotion whatsoever. It was a dark place to be. That's why you have to get reprieve. The Nun saw me and realized after a couple minutes what was happening. I wasn't allowing myself time for me. Oh and I married the girlfriend a few months afterward :>}
Second wife joined my sister less than a month later in death. You need a LCSW for yourself. A LCSW is a therapist. You have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of her or make a rational best for her and you decisions. A LCSW is a neutral and objective person helping you.
One last word of advice talk to a lawyer and get a medical Power of Attorney. In some states even national now I guess the rights and permissions of a spouse for consent or permission for treatment are not the same in circumstances of mental health. IOW you can sign for advance medical directives and make life and death decisions as a spouse but can not on your signature have her get mental health help. If she won't sign to be treated it is left up to the state to give permission not you.
emotions had shut down
She’s told me at times that I seem to never get upset at anything and can’t understand how I am so rational and seem detached from tragic events. She lost two sisters and her dad in the past five months. I gave her support and did everything I was supposed to do. I think them passing has contributed to her condition.
The first episode my sister had was within a month before my first wife passed and within a few days of her loosing her last baby. My first wife’s death death snapped her out of it for a while. Yeah it looks your wife’s sisters deaths and father likely touched off an episode then. Is she seeing a therapist on a regular basis? If not I’d get her to one. Shrinks write pills but therapist {LCSW} teach the coping skills.
WOW! I have read your words and you have endured more than I ever could. I have also read everyone else’s replies to you. My advice is to follow the advice given in Post#’s 106,109,120,151 and 147.
Contact the person in #147 who is local and says they can help. If their assistance doesn’t set the situation square, then get with a lawyer and find out what steps you need to take to protect your finances, your good name, determine if a divorce is necessary, and determine what steps might get her committed to a facility.
You’ve got my prayers and best wishes. May God Bless You
My prayers go up for you. May God give you strength and the will to keep going.
"If I am not with her she is constantly accusing me of cheating."
I don't offer this as a way to tilt you towards staying or leaving.
I now something of emotional abuse, and I promise you it is far worse than physical abuse, if you don't know. Actually - you do know, because you've been living with it.
If you were a woman, and your husband was mentally ill, and he abused you physically, you would leave out of self preservation. Even if it was entirely due to a mental illness and out of his control
Are the 'in sickness and in health' folks here encouraging a woman to stay with a man who beats her? Even if it's 'not his fault' ... he's mentally ill? Of course not.
Just because she's mentally ill doesn't mean she's not abusing you, intentionally or not. Most physical beatings do not cause permanent physical damage. The damage is spiritual. So any abuse - physical or mental -> is ultimately mental abuse.
I do not say you are right to leave, or right to stay. I DO say, consider whether all you are doing by staying is abandoning yourself.
So long as you do not EXPERIENCE the freedom that you have to choose to leave, you are trapped, and she knows it. If she's sick, then she's manipulative like an animal. You can't let the animal dictate what you choose. You must know first, that you are free to leave, and God will not hate you. Only then can you choose to stay or leave in peace. I promise you that no matter how sick and crazy she is, there is a deep deep element of semi-conscious manipulation coming from her, and it is coming form a dark, animal part of her.
I repeat that if you were a woman, and she a man, and she was beating you, you would leave and no one would question you. But the physical force is the least of the abuse, it's only the 'worldly' appearance of the abuse. This woman IS beating you AND manipulating you, consciously or not. That does not make her bad-and-evil-and-wrong necessarily.
But if she were physically sick with ebola - you would still separate yourself from her from her while she was infectious. That would be out of self preservation, not an ethical choice. But Marriage is not an emotional suicide pact. Don't fool yourself that she is not infectious. You can love her and also recognize that fact.
You are free to leave, and her knowing that and experiencing that knowledge, whether because you actually do leave for a while, or just because she senses a change in you - a detachment from her guilt spell - may be the only hope the marriage ha
Her behavior of not taking her meds is exactly the same as a drunk who won't stay sober, once he's been sober for a month and has his confidence back. "I don't need to be sober, I'm not an alcoholic" ..."I don't need my meds, I'm not sick."
Doesn't SHE have a responsibility to take care of herself in the marriage? Is alcoholism an excuse for continued drinking? Is mental illness an excuse for not taking her meds? Is the fact that she didn't CHOOSE this sickness a moral claim on the value of your life?
Whatever her mental illness, and pain, and suffering, which I suspect means you are not allowed to feel any (that's what happens to the caretakers) ... you are obviously beaten down by it at this point. The idea that the sores and tribulations of Job will disappear from your skin and heart without your action -> isn't that just as delusional as her seeing angels and devils?
I don't know you or her, or the real situation. I've known some like it. I believe the people who can give you the best advice, in addition to a rationally based religious man, are a phsychologist to treat YOU for depression, totally separate from your wife, and attend some meetings of Al Anon as a guest, not a member - there may be nothing there for you - but no where else will you find a group of people with more wisdom about successfully dealing with, although from a different cause, a spouse who is a tremendous negative force, and how to not be victim to that force. (I didn't say victim to 'her', I said 'to that negative force.')
Just thoughts reading what you said. I could be 4,000 miles from being right about anything. Just honest reflections, with a little bit of experience in situations that sounds similar in ways.
I hope you find a path to some peace with this and get your life back (your inner life, your joy.) It is possible, I know men who have that, and yet have similar circumstances - have had them for years. The key is detachment which is not to be confused with not caring, not loving. But love is not is not a commitment to an emotional suicide pact, and whatever the extent of the mental illness, which appears not to be so defined or deep as to be truly diagnosable, she is capable of responsibility, and it sounds like she is not exercising it - rather, she is trying to control you. So long as you pick up the pieces for her there, or bow to her control, you are a slave to her illness, and that part is your choice.
Please reach out for help! I believe that there may be loving people that are waiting to help you and your wife if you connect on a spiritual level with them in the way that works for you.
My own wife is severely bipolar with psychotic episodes and with severe OCD and panic disorder. She has been hospitalized 7 times in the past 7 year including 4 times in one year.
She is accident prone and has had 9 orthopedic surgeries in 7 years from her mishaps and need to be patched up.
It has been a “character-building experience”...
P.S. Getting my wife on the right meds has made ALL of the difference!
I set an alarm to wake up an hour before she gets up and give her her first dose of pills so that her meds are in her system a full hour BEFORE her feet hit the floor in the AM!
I also set out all of her weekly pills in her pill trays and make sure that everything gets taken on time throughout the day all week long.
“Life sucks sometimes”
You asked for comments and advice - and you knew the answer all along.
My four life rules - my kids knew the first one when they were REALLY young. Numbers 2 and 3 a little bit later. And I recently added number 4 a few years ago.
1) Life isn’t fair. (”Life sucks sometimes”)
2) Nothing is easy.
3) It’s always something.
4) God is Sovereign. That is one I’m still getting used to. In spite of numbers 1-3, God is sovereign. Not that He controls everything good or bad that happens to us, but that somehow He is still King over this fallen world. And He wants the best for us. Sadly, we may not see the best until we leave this mortal Earth.
I have no advice for you and your wife as you go through these terrible trials, but I sincerely hope that you can find a way to get through them together. God will not permit you to be forced to deal with more than you are able. I will keep your wife and you in my prayers. May God heal her and may He bless and keep your marriage.
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