Feds Spare No Expense to Close Popular Tourist Sites

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2013 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

Determined to put a real “sting” into the shutdown of the federal government in the absence of Congressional passage of a continuing resolution, the federal government incurred the added expense of shuttering popular open-air tourist sites.

“Money isn't the issue,” National Parks Director Jonathan Jarvis insisted. “These parks are owned by the federal government. We say when they are open and when they are closed.”

As it turns out, the NPS exercised more authority than it has. The blockades included privately funded sites that the NPS “mistakenly believed” they had the right to close. The most prominent of these was Mount Vernon—the former home of George Washington that is now run by a privately funded foundation. For that matter, though it sits on federally owned land, the WWII memorial was also built with privately raised donations.

Not all of the blockades were successful. Washington, DC's World War II memorial was successfully invaded by a contingent of 80 and 90-year-old veterans. “We had White House authorization to use deadly force if necessary,” said Park Ranger Bob Weaver. “But without comprehensive gun control laws we couldn't be sure we wouldn't be outgunned. Let's not forget that some of these old guys stormed the beaches of Normandy facing down Nazi artillery and machine guns—firepower that, thus far, has been denied to us.”

Weaver didn't sound optimistic that the NPS's most recent ploy of wiring the barricades together would keep out the invading vets. “It's not barbed wire and we can't lay down a pattern of automatic weapons fire to deter the vets from penetrating the perimeter. Fortunately, this generation is dying off and future efforts to prevent unauthorized intrusions onto government property should go more smoothly.”

Out west, tourists are utilizing helicopter tours to bypass the government's closure of Grand Canyon National Park's roadway entrances. NPS Director Jarvis is pressing the President to declare a “no fly zone” over the Park. “The government owns the airspace over the Canyon just as much as the ground on which the park sits,” Jarvis contended. “If we say the Park is closed no one has the right to view any part of it by any means. Flying over our barricades to sneak a peek is like stealing. It's just plain wrong.

Meanwhile, the October 1st implementation of the Obamacare exchanges has been largely a bust. Computer glitches impeded those few who tried to access the program. Others were stunned to discover that they must first provide an array of personal data before being allowed to see details on the insurance packages offered. Those overcoming qualms learned that the plans offered were significantly more expensive than they had been led to believe—more costly than coverages available prior to the Affordable Care Act.

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...

http://www.freedomsphoenix.com/Opinion/142871-2013-10-04-semi-news-a-satire-of-recent-news-october-6-2013.htm

[Arrowhead1952]

Those overcoming qualms learned that the plans offered were significantly more expensive than they had been led to believe—more costly than coverages available prior to the Affordable Care Act.

HA!! Hope all you lefties like the hope and change you voted for. Problem is that we are stuck with the same garbage.

[XRdsRev]

Possumrump National Forest WVa - A National Park Service maintenance crew attempted blockade a road across Federal property leading to a local COSTCO was trampled by a crowd of hundreds of shoppers rushing into the store to buy gallons of mayonaise and 100 packs of hot dogs.

All of the injured are listed in stable condition at the local hospital.

[Buffalo Head]

Great, but..................

Which part is satire?

[Chode]

Not all of the blockades were successful. Washington, DC's World War II memorial was successfully invaded by a contingent of 80 and 90-year-old veterans. “We had White House authorization to use deadly force if necessary,” said Park Ranger Bob Weaver. “But without comprehensive gun control laws we couldn't be sure we wouldn't be outgunned. Let's not forget that some of these old guys stormed the beaches of Normandy facing down Nazi artillery and machine guns—firepower that, thus far, has been denied to us.”

it's only a matter of time...

[TexasCajun]

The message from Rinos should be just how mean Obama is, being a bully to our honored veterans, closing open-air memorials, telling departments to "make it hurt".

But Nooo!! ..they want to find a camera or mic to bash Cruz, Lee and T.E.A. Partiers like me.

[MHGinTN]

The little bastard boy-king is a petulant, bullying, narcissistic slacker. THIS is what the democrips party has become, petulant, arrogant (seen Harry Reid lately!), bullying, and increasing their criminal nepotism.

[ViLaLuz]

Make it hurt! Revenge! Revenge!

[ReformationFan]

“Meanwhile, the October 1st implementation of the Obamacare exchanges has been largely a bust. Computer glitches impeded those few who tried to access the program. Others were stunned to discover that they must first provide an array of personal data before being allowed to see details on the insurance packages offered. Those overcoming qualms learned that the plans offered were significantly more expensive than they had been led to believe—more costly than coverages available prior to the Affordable Care Act.”

Not satire but reality.

[Seaplaner]

The kinds of compromises that are off-limits according to Lew include “any modification to the Affordable Care Act not initiated at the President's sole discretion, any attempt to discontinue subsidies to any corporations carrying out the President's green energy program, and any action intended to reverse or limit the scope of any Executive Order issued by the President.”

I can't find even "semi" satire here.

.

[from occupied ga]

The thought that national parks and monuments might belong to the American people never enters their pointed little heads.

But they don't belong to the people. They belong to the government which is not even close to the same thing. If you own something do you have to pay to use it? If you own something can someone else lock you out of it?

[Smokin' Joe]

Well done! It must be getting harder than ever to post these before the Fedzilla crosses the line. They double down on doubling down on doubling down on stupid with increasing rapidity.

[Huntress]

Nice one, John.

[MasterGunner01]

A couple of ways to fix this: 1) reduce the NPS finding to $1 per year (feral gubmint employees work free!) or 2) privatize all the public areas the NPS closed and have private operators or the states run them.

[WayneS]

If that's a rescue vehicle, I'm the governor of Virginia.