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Obama Urges Catholics to Appoint a “Progressive” Successor to Pope Benedict
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Feb 2013 | John Semmens

Posted on 02/16/2013 10:24:21 AM PST by John Semmens

The unusual resignation of Pope Benedict XVI launches the search for his successor. While he has no formal role in this process, President Obama has urged the Cardinals to select a “progressive.”

“The Catholic Church has a choice to make,” Obama said. “It can continue to promulgate out-moded ideas or it can get behind a program for a 21st century agenda.” Among the issues mentioned by the President for this “21st century agenda” were birth control and gay marriage.

“Over-population is placing an excessive burden on the planet’s resources,” Obama claimed. “To save the environment we must reduce the human footprint. Birth control is an essential measure for achieving this goal. Since we cannot effectively intervene in humans’ sexual activities we can at least interdict the consequences by making birth control and abortion convenient and inexpensive. The person who is chosen to lead the Catholic Church should get on-board with our efforts to accomplish this.”

“Gay marriage complements the drive to reduce human reproduction,” Obama added. “These marriages can’t produce children. By increasing the frequency of such unions we would simultaneously be acknowledging the right of same-sex couples to enjoy the sacraments of marriage while diverting them from reproductive sexual intercourse. It seems to me that a doctrinal change along these lines could also provide the Church with a way out of some of the sex scandals that have plagued it in recent years.”

President Obama’s remarks did receive some encouragement from the Government of China. “We think he is on the right track,” said President Hu Jintao. “Ideally, all religious posts ought to be cleared for compatibility with ruling secular authorities. In China it is simple. We appoint the Catholic bishops. Globally, some sort of international vetting is needed—perhaps through the United Nations.”

To assist the Church in finding a “progressive” Pope, President Obama is reported to have forwarded a list of what he considers “acceptable candidates.”

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...

http://azconservative.org/2013/02/16/cnn-pundit-declares-rubios-presidential-ambitions-finished/


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: abortion; obama; pope; satire

1 posted on 02/16/2013 10:24:29 AM PST by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

Don’t put it past him.


2 posted on 02/16/2013 10:25:55 AM PST by Past Your Eyes (You knew the job was dangerous when you took it.)
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To: Past Your Eyes

Trouble is, I had to read it twice to realize it was satire.


3 posted on 02/16/2013 10:31:44 AM PST by Kent1957
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To: John Semmens

He has just as much right to do this as I have the the right to urge the Catholics to select a Baptist than can cook great Texas stile mesquite barbecue. Now that I think about it, There is a former Baptist preacher who is a priest near me. Now only if this California born dude and barbecue.


4 posted on 02/16/2013 10:33:58 AM PST by ThomasThomas (Normal isn't normal anymore.)
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To: John Semmens

John, you are SO good!


5 posted on 02/16/2013 10:35:26 AM PST by exit82 ("The Taliban is on the inside of the building" E. Nordstrom 10-10-12)
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To: John Semmens

;o) Right, Obie. We’ll get right on that...


6 posted on 02/16/2013 10:39:56 AM PST by redhead (PRAY DAILY for a Restoration of the Righteous Intent of America)
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To: Kent1957

That’s why it’s “Semi-Satire”


7 posted on 02/16/2013 10:44:30 AM PST by Tanniker Smith (Rome didn't fall in a day, either.)
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To: Kent1957

Satire? What Satire? ;)


8 posted on 02/16/2013 10:45:09 AM PST by JCBreckenridge (Texas is a state of mind - Steinbeck)
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To: John Semmens

I though Obama was going to be the pope.....


9 posted on 02/16/2013 10:57:00 AM PST by Epsdude
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To: Kent1957
Trouble is, I had to read it twice to realize it was satire.

With this group in charge, I always check the source after reading most headlines. Unfortunately, so many of the news articles are real.

10 posted on 02/16/2013 11:00:48 AM PST by FatherofFive (Islam is evil and must be eradicated)
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To: John Semmens

You should forward this to Sheila Jackson Lee. She’s dumb enough to think it’s real, and maybe she’ll read it from the House floor.


11 posted on 02/16/2013 11:02:29 AM PST by COBOL2Java (Fighting Obama without Boehner & McConnell is like going deer hunting without your accordion)
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To: John Semmens

Yes, I know it’s satire. But maybe Zero would really like to ask the Catholic Church to reach outside the denomination and appoint Vickie Gene Robinsin as Pope.


12 posted on 02/16/2013 11:13:26 AM PST by Fred Hayek (The Democratic Party is now the operational arm of the CPUSA)
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To: John Semmens
To assist the Church in finding a “progressive” Pope, President Obama is reported to have forwarded a list of what he considers “acceptable candidates.”

ROTFL!! Frankly, I could imagine him doing just that!!

13 posted on 02/16/2013 11:15:41 AM PST by SuziQ
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To: John Semmens
Obama Urges Catholics to Appoint a “Progressive” Successor to Pope Benedict

Hah! I fully expect they will. BTW, I know it's satire.

14 posted on 02/16/2013 11:26:49 AM PST by raybbr (People who still support Obama are either a Marxist or a moron.)
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To: John Semmens

Another excellent job this week, John. I didn’t get your ping yet, but your headline really got me in a lather! I think I caught on by paragraph 3 or so.

POF


15 posted on 02/16/2013 11:30:53 AM PST by ProtectOurFreedom
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To: John Semmens

More gay priests. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?


16 posted on 02/16/2013 11:41:08 AM PST by a fool in paradise (America 2013 - STUCK ON STUPID)
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To: John Semmens

I don’t know why Obama couldn’t simultaneously serve as Pope and President. Since he won the Nobel Peace Prize, he obviously is qualified to be Pope as well.


17 posted on 02/16/2013 11:55:59 AM PST by kaehurowing
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18 posted on 02/16/2013 11:57:35 AM PST by RedMDer (May we always be happy and may our enemies always know it. - Sarah Palin, 10-18-2010)
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To: John Semmens

If the Catholics were truly serious about Ecumenism, they would pick a Muslim to be Pope; after all, the Pope is not required to be a priest. /sar


19 posted on 02/16/2013 12:01:17 PM PST by ApplegateRanch (Love me, love my guns!©)
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To: John Semmens

I’m sure he’s working on this behind the scenes? Maybe he blackmailed the Pope into resigning. Nothing is beyond the pale for this vile Communist monster illegally occupying the White House.


20 posted on 02/16/2013 12:02:51 PM PST by WashingtonSource
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To: John Semmens
How about Pope Nancy I? Sickening these Democrats are just plain sickening!
21 posted on 02/16/2013 12:19:03 PM PST by jmaroneps37 (Conservatism is truth. Liberalism is lies.)
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To: John Semmens

The “reverend” Wright? Jesse Jackson? The thug in charge of Hezbellah? The thug in charge of Hamas? Nancy Pelosi?


22 posted on 02/16/2013 12:27:00 PM PST by faithhopecharity
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To: John Semmens
birth control and gay marriage

Actually, Obama thinks that abortion is a lot more fun than birth control. Especially when it's carried out after the child is born. He voted for it three times.

23 posted on 02/16/2013 1:01:30 PM PST by Cicero (Marcus Tullius)
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To: John Semmens

God willing, the Catholic Church will choose the very opposite!


24 posted on 02/17/2013 12:16:25 AM PST by sheik yerbouty ( Make America and the world a jihad free zone!)
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