Maybe I am sharing too much. But I have nowhere else to turn. I am (was?) a reporter for a weekly community newspaper in Quebec.
A couple of months ago, I was told I'd be freelancing--paid per picture and story, because my former boss, with whom I'd worked for seven years, is retiring and his daughter is taking over and wants new blood. My whopping income has dropped from $450 per week to around $100 per week, which has made things difficult financially at home. My husband makes a good income--but we needed that extra cash. Our house is aging and needs repairs.
We've been married for over two decades, have a 17 year-old son and a 13 year-old daughter. It is quite rare that we are intimate nowadays.
I went to pick up my check today--$190 for two weeks of work.
On point, I have a Masters Degree from the University of Chicago, a year of law school at Northwestern, law school that I finished at UC Boulder.
I find myself sleeping all the time recently. I turned 50 less than a month ago. I'm old now. I literally cannot wake up. I fell asleep on the couch, sitting up, while we were all watching "Grimm" tonight.
I know I need to get my act together, but I find myself crying and sleeping--and even when I clean things up, do laundry,etc., my husband seems to find fault. Maybe he's depressed too.
Because I cut myself as a teenager and got very sad on moving here, I am on medication. So that's not the answer.
Plus, my ten year-old nephew in WI has cancer -- very serious -- and if something happens to him or my Dad, I cannot even cross the border before my papers come in.
Anyway... I guess I just wanted to "vent" a bit. Freepers are a caring group of people.
Thank you for any advice you have. :)
J.
Ok, I will be 63 in a few days, and I have been an engineer for about 28 years, but I lost my job back in May and no one was hiring, especially someone at my age that had a relatively good salary history. I had thought that I might not find a job again until after the election or longer. What I did was create a good resume which was accurate, but written to make myself sound as good as I knew how. Then I went to Monster.com, registered, and uploaded my resume. Then I searched Monster.com daily, in case something came open that I liked. It took several months, but I finally got a call from a company that liked my resume. I interviewed with them and they hired me. That was 4 weeks ago and the job pays same as the last one I had. My word of advice is to treat this like a vacation and relax a bit. Every day go search Monster.com to see if any new jobs have posted for your expertise and your area. You will be surprised how many jobs you see every day on that site. I have had a least 5 companies contact me after I took that job. They all saw my resume on Monster.com and it matched what they needed. Never ever give up. Just refuse to fail, but enjoy life along the way. Oh and this is the second time I have found a job through Monster. The first time was about 12 years ago. Just cheer up and go do it!
I have helped more than a couple of friends through some really tough times. First thing I would recommend is finding peace. For me that is through prayer and knowing what is going on here is not what we are really working for. God is merciful even when we think things aren't that great. See the goodness around you.
Also, if you dwell on the negative you will most likely still end up with the negative. God has blessed us with so much.
Based on all that you have said, you must have some pretty decent skills. Maybe look at this as the door opening to something you always want to do. Is there something you have always wanted to do? Maybe now is the time.
For the short term, keep what you have going, at least it is something. See about picking up some other freelance stuff, trying to equalize what you had before. Two other small freelancing gigs would seem like it would make up the difference.
Do you and your husband still have common goals, a common purpose? Does he feel like you support him? Are you interested and take the time to hear him? Right now bridging the gap in your relationship can maybe start easier with you than him. Listening is an amazing gift you can give someone.
Right now I am seeing a lot of friends reaching the same age as you. What you are talking about in the relationship isn't uncommon. It seems that so many friends got married without a real common purpose uniting the marriage. They had expectations of what they thought the other would be and that their purpose or dream of what a marriage should be was their spouses'. Since there wasn't a common purpose, as they have grown older, each of them has become more of who they really are, creating a huge gap in the relationship. For a believer, God's love is the for unification.
Would your husband be open to counseling? A good, neutral third party can sometime do wonders for opening up communication. Go in with an open heart and mention that to him. If you tell him you would like to make him happier, more complete, maybe he will go in with an open heart as well.
Will pray for nephew. Know that your nephew is in His tender hands with a loving purpose greater than what we can understand. God has given you the gift of your nephew.
Thank you all for your replies; I can’t really keep up, and now I have to log off. I have to get to bed. I will finish reading everyone’s posts tomorrow, and I am so grateful for the time you took to respond. :)
J.
One: you DO have a job. It’s called “Looking for a Job”. You need to be up, and looking 5-6 days a week, from 8:30AM until 5PM. Online, in-person, whatever. Consider your job hunt a job, and you’ll be surprised at how things start to feel.
It’s not easy, and it’s not fun, but keeping busy working, tracking, and responding to any and all leads, and the all-important follow-up, will ALSO do wonders for your depression. . . .
I speak from experience here. . .
First, do get your meds checked with your doctor to make sure there is nothing going on there, or your physical health.
Then look at priorities of the things you can control - You’ve got two teenagers that need their mom has got to be up there, I’d imagine.
Honestly, the rest of the “stuff” you listed is simply life as anyone will experience. Good things happen, bad things happen. People live and die, jobs come and go.
You react to the stuff you cannot control as best as you can, with as much good cheer as you can muster, and a sense of humor if that is at all possible, and since you are in Quebec, you have to figure out how to do all this in French.
It’s OK to get depressed. It’s not OK to allow yourself to stay that way, if only for the sake of the people important to you. How you react to the setbacks and bad news that life inevitably brings you in varying doses is everything.
If you write, you could start a blog about something that interests you, and then pimp it here on FR. If nothing else, that will help your husband seem less critical by comparison.
Above all, good luck. It really is up to you.
Secondly, you might have a health problem causing you to doze off all the time, not just attributable to depression. What meds are you on and for how long? SOME ANTI-DEPRESSANTS CAN MAKE THINGS WORSE! If you smoke, cut back..? Do you take vitamins on a daily basis?
I know this sound like an 'easy fix' suggestion but start having faith in God and feel blessed for what you DO have.. Blessed for family, house, etc.. You are blessed no matter how tough things get. We're praying for you.
There’s a book called Feeling Good by David Burns that I highly recommend. It’s been around awhile and should be available at libraries everywhere.
Re the depression: PLEASE see a physician. Depression is a genuine medical condition, and they can help. Untreated, it can kill.
Think of what you’d say to your adult child if they were going through what’s happening to you. Then say those same things to yourself.
Last year a friend of 25 years killed himself over his job loss. Don't let depression take over, trust the Lord.
I’ve been where you are, and there are no easy answers. I won’t suggest anything spiritual because that’s a personal thing. One thing that has helped me in the past, and still helps is to find good things to focus on, happy things.
Sometimes I jump on Facebook and enjoy cute baby pics, or cute puppy pics, or whatever, and it does help. I also enjoy seeing my old high school friends pics, and their families. My life isn’t “happy” and may not ever be again, and I’m fine with that. I’ll just do my best, every day I can, and I’ll try to make others happy, and that’s enough, at least for me.
Depression is no game, and it’s not fun, but it doesn’t have to destroy your life. Talk to your hubby, talk to a trusted friend or Pastor, and go from there. You are educated, which helps, you have a family, and those are blessings.
Take little steps and eventually you’ll find yourself in a better place.
I’ll pray for you...
Kevin
I still remember what my dear Mother told me as a child, “There is always someone better off than you and there is always someone worse off than you”.
It is human nature to focus on the negatives in our lives while taking for granted the positives. You have Family, many people are alone. You have a home, many people are homeless. You have an education, many people are ignorant (Obama supporters for example). You have a love of writing, many people have no imagination or skill in expressing their thoughts on paper.
I could go on, but you are looking for answers. I am Married, my Wife deals with Depression, which means I deal with her Depression as well. From my experience, I would suggest that you deal with that situation sooner than later. You stated that you are on some Medications. It may be time to get reevaluated to see if the Medications are still effective.
My Wife has done that and has shown some improvement. As we get older, our Metabolism changes and Drugs that helped at one time become ineffective. It happened with my Blood Pressure Meds, and it happened with my Wife's Drug Therapy.
As far as the Financial situation, step away and look at your household Budget as if you were helping someone else with their situation. You have to be objective, looking at what is necessary versus what is a choice. When all else fails, listen to Dave Ramsey.
Well, that's all I can think of right now. Just something to chew on. I have been dealing with Leukemia for the past seven years and I am halfway to what my Oncologist suggested would be my expected demise.
I have two choices, I can wake up every day and be upset and depressed, Xing out the days on the Calendar in my countdown to doom, or I can wake up every day and think how lucky I am to be able to see, hear, smell, taste, feel and interact with others.
In fact, I am lucky because you decided to Post something on Free Republic and I have a chance to respond and share some of my experiences that may, or may not, lift your spirits. You are lucky because you just shared your situation with people you will probably never meet in person but who care enough about you to reply. You are never alone when you're a FReeper. We are Family, whether we agree or not. I'm not a Religious person, but rest assured you are in my Prayers.
As they say, this too will pass. The worst that could happen is never the worst that can happen. Your Blessings outweigh your problems, you just have to open your eyes wide enough to see it. God Bless you and your Family.
Remember ? when they try to hit us when we are at our weakest or where we are at our weakest point ? that’s when and where we are strongest.
The world is changing and many of us are in the same boat you are. That doesn’t help your situation, but it does help with the depression and guilt.You just have to keep on keeping on until the situation slowly changes, just get over the guilt.
Regarding lack of energy, cut out all bread and pasta. Helped for me and my family.
Julie, are you getting enough sunlight? I don’t want to over-simply things, but experience has led me to believe access to sunlight is a genuine factor relating to despondence.
You’re up north. When I lived in cloudy Vermont, a mere silver lining was enough to lift my spirit. During a two-year period when I worked at night, I was mildly depressed and it seemed like goblins were hanging from the street lamps. Thus, I bought a full-spectrum light which, honestly, seemed to help. Well worth the money.
These days, I work at home and inside, so access to sunlight is still an issue. I take 2,000 units of vitamin D each day. Please consider these three ideas, because we want you feeling good. Naturally there’s more to life then this, but it’s a start.
Couple of more thoughts: I enjoyed “The Secret” DVD. And it’s good to work to accomplish things, even small things. God bless you.
I checked one last time, but can’t respond now because of the keyboard—and I have photos to take tomorrow a.m. Thank you all for your advice and caring! I’ll never forget it. :) J.
Find the energy and motivation to begin making some changes. One step at a time so you don't feel overwhelmed. Cut expenses aggressively, sell things you no longer need or can no longer afford. That's one area.
The other area is yourself. Break your routine, get out in the world, get some sun, the light helps. Exercise helps, even though that's the last thing you probably feel like doing right now. It will increase your energy level and help your mood, just find a way to get over the hump of being tired and sleeping so much. Yes, you sound depressed. Receding into it will only make it worse. Writing this vanity on FR is a first step. You recognize it and have done something about it, however minor.
Look for additional opportunities to write, maybe online. If you're able you can set up a blog, vent your frustrations and write about politics, your life challenges, your nephew's cancer, and if you are able to do so compellingly enough to attract a following, you can make money on your own via Google AdSense, which places ads on your blog and pays you on the basis of clickthrough.
Lastly, I do not know your religious orientation but sincere, humble prayer and lifting your burden up to God will bring you some peace and clarity. Remember to be thankful for what you do have, focus upon that and recognize the source of it in gratitude. Ask that He intervene and lead you to a means of helping support your family, nothing fancy, just sufficient to your needs. Stick with it. Be open to answers that may not exactly be what you were expecting.
You'll get through this. It'll be OK.