How did they ever catch him?
It was when hed take the patients
out to his minivan for examination.
Probably, but what tipped them off
something was wrong was that he didnt
make them wait half an hour to see him.
Why do you still own an regular car?
Its there for when I want to go somewhere.
Then why the electric car?
Its for all the money it saves me.
How Art Thou Great?
"Did abstract artists like Picasso simply lack the ability and accept this fact and then paint in a style that hides their lack of ability?" dhs12345
A representation of reality by the great artists approached the fidelity of photography, but could go no farther. Perfection is perfection.
So how were new artists to make names for themselves if they produced perfectly what was already being done? There had to be a breakout. And since the current state was realism, the only way to go was surrealism, expressionism, and other non-representational styles. It had to happen.
And when photography matured, the demand for representational art fell drastically. The new isms were the state now. And after the Armory art show in New York, Deco shoved into line with Nouveau, forcing new artists even further out until arriving at the end, non-representational art. Monkeys, elephants, and toddlers now produced art, and in one case, in an art museum, the sculpture art piece was delayed, and people actually thought the empty plinth was an artistic expression.
So, no, it wasnt lack of ability at first, but now in poetry, sculpture, painting, and prose, ability is elitist and probably white supremacist.
Order. Order! The chair recognizes
Cynthia Pitcairn, head of the Impeachment
Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Im afraid
I have some disappointing news. The only
infraction we can possibly tie to the
President is lollygagging.
What the hell is lollygagging?
I dont know, Mr Chairman, but neither
does anybody else. We could charge
him with it now and find out what it means
later. It worked with Obamacare.
Youre a genius, Cynthia.
"Gentlemen, we've got to re-indoctrinate 95% of Germans, or our 'open arms to Muslims' is going to cost us our jobs. Any suggestions? You there, Heinz, what do you think?"
"I think we need some good old fashioned Nazi discipline and diversity training, which comes to the same thing. "Mad Dog" Rudolf Gefingerpoken is the man for the job."
"Get him in here."
"Rudolph, we want you to round up every German and put them into camps..."
"Yes, yes. I can do that."
"... then use behavioral modification..."
"... Pavlov training, waterboarding..."
"I've died and gone to heaven!"
"... or whatever it takes to make them Muslim friendly."
"Ach, that's right down mein alley! The survivors will follow orders!"
"Wait a minute. You can't kill anybody, Rudolph."
"What? If I can't kill a man, how will he ever learn?"
College: The Final Frontier?
I think colleges should have a modicum of existential diversity. It isnt right to deny someone, especially members of struggling minorities, advanced education simply because theyre no longer alive.
Dead students wouldnt require dorms so much as stacking, room and board being a room with some boards in it. As far as being ambulatory, life-privileged students should welcome the honor of assisting their fellow learners from class to class.
Some of our greatest cultural contributions are from dead people, such as Thomas Jefferson, Martin Luther, and the guy who ate the first raw oyster.
States such as Michigan, New Jersey, and Illinois are in the vanguard of this inclusive movement with their enlightened tolerance of deceased voting.
Join us, wont you, in making America not just a melting pot, but a burial plot.
She took a selfie on Mount Everest
tumbling down Mount Everest when she comes,
Shell be broken, frozen shattered when she comes.
Shell be flying through the cold air
screaming, Help me, dont just stand there!
And still texting from her iPhone with her thumbs.
The winner. (above)
The swim suit competition (below)
Germany reacts to Brexit
"Charles, dear, the Germans are at it again."
"How so, darling?"
"Paratroopers are landing in the begonias."
"Bloody hell. Where's the gardener? What are we paying him for?"
"I think the Germans shot him, dear."
"What? What am I supposed to do now? I can't WATER."
George Will in the rearview mirror
George has devolved into a very slightly to the right version of Art Buchwald, who was very slightly to the left. Art wrote such bland columns, the people he risked offending wouldnt know it if he did.
Thats Will. He sits at the commanding heights, unwilling to look down.
Local Uber driver, professor
facing kidnapping charges
"Hello, ladies. Hop in. Where ya goin'?"
"We're going to Hooters where we work."
"Oh, man. Excuse me while I lock all the doors. It's for your own safety. Say, have you ever heard of the Story of O?"
"Is it about Cheerios?"
"Is it a Sesame Street episode?"
"No, the Story of O is about a guy doing nasty stuff to a girl, like I'm gonna do to you..."
"Stop the car. Let us out!"
"... starting with a quote from Rime of the Ancient Mariner..."
"... and then you're going to write me an essay."
"Just shoot us, please!"
At the airport
"That's all you got?"
"It's shrinkage, I tell you."
"No, I mean carry-on."
"Carrion? It ain't dead yet!"
"No, I mean where's your bag?"
"I told you. Shrinkage."
Click bait/fake news. A primer. You can safely skip any article with a headline that offers:
1. A pundit 'crushing' or 'destroying' an opponent on TV.
2. Heads 'exploding.'
3. Some political group in a 'panic.'
4. Congressional majority change as anything more than swapping talking points.
5. A question mark. To virtually every question poised in a headline, the answer will be "no."
6. A 'medical breakthrough.' Nothing will ever come of it.
7. 'Fusion reactor.' It will always be twenty years away.
"I got pecked really in at a cock fight, and I need someone to fix my wounds."
"Do you have your insurance card?"
"Yes, but I don't want to use it. Word might get out and my probation could be revoked."
"What are you on probation for?"
"Alright, sir, if you'll take a seat someone will see you."
"When? I mean I'm in real pain here."
"It won't be for a while, sir. A gypsy caravan got into the oncoming lane on the Ventura Freeway and we've got injured gypsies all over the place."
"Nuts. Okay, I'm going to a vet instead."
"Good luck. The gypsy caravan was horse driven and the horses are at the vets."
"Dammit, I'm outta here."
"As you wish. Can I help you ma'am?"
"Yeah, I'm Cher and I'm here to see my gypsy people."
"Are you paying for their medical bills?"
"What? No! Hell, no. They're a bunch of tramps and thieves."
"I hate this job."
Civil War II. How did we get there? For your consideration ...
East St Louis. A flash mob of blacks hits a Best Buy store, intent on looting it of electronics. Store security is overwhelmed and beat to the ground. Two customers with CCW permits in the back of the retail area draw their weapons and begin forcing the crowd back toward the entrance. One of the looters pulls out a hand gun, firing at the two customers, one of whom goes down, but not before killing some of the blacks.
A standoff ensues, giving time for law enforcement to arrive. The event is contained with casualties of seven dead and nineteen wounded.
Fast forward to the criminal trial of the two armed customers, one Asian and one white. They are sentenced to five years in prison, with the sentence suspended in lieu of ten years probation.
Black activists are infuriated and incite riots. with looting and arson. More rioters are bused in from outside the city. To prevent the influx of more protesters, the county sheriff blocks freeways into the city.
Since these freeways constitute part of the Interstate Highway system, the federal government demands freeways be reopened. County and local officials refuse.
The governor activates the National Guard to dislodge the LEO blockade, but on their arrival at the scene, most of the guardsmen refuse the governors order to fire on the LEO forces.
As rioting in the city continues, the mayor and city council institute curfews and threaten martial law. Nothing has any effect. When the governor then declares martial law, the city officials resign en masse.
Army troops are mustered but before they can get to the city, the National Guard on scene purges governor-supporting officers and unites with the LEO and state troopers.
Whether to wage war on our own troops splits the federal government into factions along party and racial lines, paralyzing the legislature. Inability to address perceived grievances results in riots in cities across the US, usually pitting whites against blacks.
The president, blamed for ineffectual leadership, goes on TV resigning to allow for racial healing, turning the presidency over the his VP, a black woman who proves to be radically anti-law enforcement. Her Cabinet fails to implement the presidents removal under the 25th amendment and every member either resigns or is fired.
Faced with civil unrest throughout the country, the president declares martial law, resulting in the dismissal of the Army Chief of Staff, who refused to initiate enforcement of martial law. Most of the remaining Army brass also perform what was described as mutiny in place.
Unable to enforce her will, the president goes on TV and proclaims an end to the Republic, allowing direct rule from the White House. The Congress erupts as the nation burns.
State militias battle federal troops as civilians wage war in the city streets.
Civil War II has begun.
... and was shot in the fracas.
Daddy, whats an inappropriately?
What do you mean, son?
It says here Joe Biden touched her inappropriately.
Ann Coulter Comes Out of the Closet
"Trump's a crook. Buy my book!"
Remember When... ...Trigger was the name of a horse, and not an excuse to relive one's terrible twos?
Get 'em While They're Young
So, Marge, how did your kindergarten sex training class go?
Okay, I guess. I demonstrated how to put on a condom using a banana.
Did the kids get it?
I dont know. They just wanted to eat the banana.
Socialism ... It Really Is Paradise
Venezuelan socialism is Paradise, come to think of it.
Money is of no use, you are expected
to forever sing praises of the administration,
and it leads to nothing better.
A bridge not far enough? President Trump is unimpressed with the CIA's decision to make sure a terrorist's family was safe before droning the terrorist. So am I.
When the Patriot Act was passed, I thought it did little to confront the problem, but was great for trading some more liberty for a sense of security.
Terrorism is an idea, not a military force. To destroy ideas, you have to attack them in situ in the brains of wanna be terrorists. Russias KGB came closest to what is needed to defeat terrorism. You must make the consequences of acts of terror so swift, devastating, and yes, terrifying that the notion of committing a terrorist act dies in the mind before it can even be expressed.
You wanna be a suicide bomber? Does that include what will happen afterwards? The KGB would wipe out the perpetrators family, his neighbors, and his whole damned village. Civilian casualties were part of the methodology. Ruthless, pitiless, eyes-wide-open disaster. Thats how you defeat an idea.
But a nation who recoils from and defines water boarding as torture, may be too compassionate to survive.
...means life/nature out of balance.
Great description for a nation of
streets lined with detritus, both
inert and human, while 15 year-
old girls get busted for producing
child porn of themselves.
Something is out of balance.
A nation that can land on Mars,
but is unable to protect its borders.
A legislature taking over 1/7 of the
economy by passing bills none of
them has read.
A civilization steeped in the
scientific method, only too
eager to denounce the same
when it touches up against
Something is way out of balance.
Are video games fueling the rise of the far right?
Gaming cultures are connected to violence but should be considered in terms of the rise of far right political discourse and the prominence of alt-right misogyny and racism. Among the games that come to mind...
S.T.A.L.K.E.R. is one of the best first person shooters ever. Made from a Russian perspective, you find yourself battling NATO troops. Doesn't sound too right-wing, does it?
One of the most popular games ever, Skyrim, allows you to fight against the empire or fight with the empire, your choice. That's hardly right wing.
The Fallout series feature survival in a nuclear wasteland. Is survival only a right wing thing?
Another popular title is Bioshock, where George Washington is featured as a bigoted, loony right winger. This doesn't do much for the author's narrative.
We may have to go meta, outside individual games to make any sense of the article's conclusion. Action games feature fighting against various forces and oppressors. Compared to the leftist belief that all cultures, forces, and oppressors are equal, fighting successfully rewards white male supremacy, the only group incapable of being oppressed, the meme goes. The left would shout kumbaya as the mutant wolves eat the player and end the game.
Maybe video games look right wing because to win the game, the player has to do something, and that's incompatible with being a ward of the state.
Waiting for Sleep The circus has folded
but sometimes (at night)
crowds roar like steamhammers
and the ringmaster waves
a lion's path of ringed fire.
Weary of solo encagement,
the hesitant beast falters; gathers;
then plunges unburned through the blaze.
The theater has closed
but sometimes (at night)
a swirling-gowned singer dissolves
in pearly arias to clouds of applause
from an enthralled audience,
The war is ended
but sometimes (at night)
aurora-draped skies descend and officers trudge waning
armies to vanished battlefields.
Pebbles From The Ongoing LandslideThe 6 Songs Billy Graham Picked for His Funeral
I told the wife I wanted "How Great Thou Art," until I realized it isn't talking about me...
Good old Bill Clinton. The grift
that keeps on swiving.
Naval Academy drug ring under investigation: LSD, cocaine allegedly bought on dark web
cocaine, ketamine (a powerful sedative) and LSD
Cocaine will power you through the day, If you look up "condign" in the dictionary, you get this.
Ketamine through the night.
LSD is for special occasions,
like when you want to melt.
A student at New York University was aghast that a dining hall had planned to serve barbecue ribs, corn bread, collard greens, Kool-Aid, and uh oh watermelon-flavored water in honor of [Black History Month].
So they raised a bitch about it and got two employees fired from the food provider company. Two black employees.
Divorce, drugs, drinking: Billy Grahams children and their absent father (WaPo)
Within hours of the news of his death, the hit pieces are already coming. At last we've found something in common between Billy Graham and Hugh Hefner.Pastor mourns lost child, aborted 22 years ago
Pastor Shane Idleman describes losing a child to abortion.
What an odd way of putting it.Wish I'd thought of this:
Thats like the Menendez brothers saying,
We lost our parents to murder.
On "Face the Nation, Hillary Clintons former campaign chairman John Podesta was rattled after CBS host Nancy Cordes asked him how the Russians knew to focus on Michigan and Wisconsin and Hillary didnt.
No media agendas in the US, no sir.
Unlike in the United States, where the press is perceived as a watchdog, in Italy it is perceived as driven by political agendas.
So perceiveth the agenda-free New York Times.
Pelosi Goes Popeing "Hey, lady, ssst! Hey, come over here."
"What? You talkin' tah me?"
"Hey, yeah. Look, I sella you some tickets, you get audience with da Pope."
"Don't you recognize me? I was the House Speaker!"
"Hey, yeah, listen, I'ma the spic inna my house, too. You wanna tickets or not?"
"I give 'em to you cheap. Say, whattsamattuh you face?"
"What do you mean?"
"Issa all, I dunno, stretched like-uh cheap skin job."
"You mean, like, I'm a Cylon?"
"You don't get Battlestar Galactica?"
"Hey, if iss inna da Vatican, I getta you in."
Yumpin' YemeniFayshanites were a contentious culture. While not expansionist,
they nonetheless raided nearby tribes in a practice known as
Gofuh Kyurself. They are chiefly known for the graphic stela they left behind that were unassociated
with useful endeavors.
Nixon, now and forever ....More than 2,200 hours of tape recordings from the Nixon White House now are available
Dig it. The heirs of Warren G Harding have managed to keep his personal papers unavailable.
"The Harding-Phillips love letters remain under an Ohio court protective order that expires in 2023, 100 years after Harding's death, after which the content of the letters may be published or reviewed."
Poor Nixon. He's online but Harding's not dead enough.
Why we'll always have Bangladesh
No matter how much income equality there may be, there will always be a bottom fifth of society. Always. So we (THEY) move up the asset-held level to whatever that bottom fifth's assets happen to be, creating a new 'poverty line,' which doesn't ease poverty but merely redefines it.
The only way to eliminate poverty is what communism advocates, but does not attain, by keeping everyone at the same asset level. The problem with that is it destroys the incentive to perform, and the free-riders will dominate until no one has anything. That's just human nature.
Rather than deny human nature, Marxists opt to change the nature of humans, achieving Utopia. That's where Soviet Man comes in. He's had his hard drive reformatted and loaded with Utopian software. Except the Soviets had sixty years of indoctrination without achieving Soviet Man.
They would have been better advised to use a little ju-jitsu and use man's desire to get stuff (Greed is Good or at least can be harnessed.) to let him make money and take a little of it for governance. But of course, that is capitalism, which didn't fit Marx's narrative. Why we teach his idiocy in college illustrates the desire for Utopia by those to whom history is a blank slate and their ever-recycled conceit, "This time it's different."
Don't take poverty away from poor folks. Good lord, man, it's the only thing they have!
Maybe Oklahoma's Not So Bad Vennnnnnn-zooway-lah, where the gauchos thunder 'cross the plain...
oh, wait, that's Argentina, all those Latin countries look the same.
And those shut-down confiscated Yankee enterprises
can't produce no food to ease a belly's pain.
Ev'ry night my hungry kids and I,
sit alone and talk and watch the po-lice squawk
at the empty markets they pass by.
Caaaali-for-nia, this is where you're headed
and the tipping point was long ago.
You can sit right back and watch the Dems in Sac
spend the money that you owe.
Sooo-cial-ism is just Marxist hooey that keeps
getting buried but won't die, 'cause there'll always be
folks who'll vote to see how much free stuff
they can confiscate as time goes by.
Ancient Dating Whenever I chat up Neanderthal chicks,
my Cro-Magnon gonads keep stalling.
It's not a bad lick how her brow is too thick,
but that New Jersey accent's appalling.
My Hundred-Year Memories
I have a fascination with the flapper's hot skidoo,
the Roaring Twenties captured; Rudy Vallee's talley-hoo.
Through used book stores in many states I've plowed the dusty tomes, snared two hundred plus old prints, lugged rare collections home.
But that was merely starting off: I devoured each one of them and visualized the mise en scène of Babbitt's life back when.
Ah, Sinclair Lewis, he's the man who brought Main Street to life. Elmer Gantry, Arrowsmith and Dodsworth --- sharp as knives.
Of course Fitzgerald's Gatsby after Bernice Bobs Her Hair, was written purely fiction -- but felt like I was there.
Days of Dorothy Parker, Alqonquin's ditsy queen, Round Table regnant over literary scene.
Warren Harding's rise and tragic fall before the swamp of Tea Pot Dome and calumny engulfed his aides-de-camp.
I've read the history many times, was there if truth be told. Those images are memories: I'm a virtual century old.
Musing Miss Daisy "It's sort of like show and tell," Daisy said dreamily as the sagging shade rode the languorous, torpid breeze slowly back and forth across the dusty window sill.
"How's that?" drawled Leroy, as he feigned interest, although his dwindling attention was mostly spent on the physics of droplet condensation and the slow march of bulbous liquid down the cooled sides of his mint julep glass. Sadly, Leroy's intellectual budget allowed for almost nothing beyond cursory perception. Leroy was a mayfly only held atop the puddle by surface tension and light weight.
"Well," mused Daisy, pleased to have captured a slow- footed nuance and frog-marched it triumphantly home, "Clinton did a pretty bad job in front of the class with history and Obama has a hard time with geography, and Bush just murders English."
"But all these people have fancy college degrees, Daisy. How can that be?"
"I don't know, Leroy; it just passes me by. When we do get a smart one like, oh, I don't know, Herbert Hoover, he thinks he can save the world. Give me the dumb and the big-picture guy any day: Harding, Coolidge, and prosperity. It's amazing how sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand."
"Damn, Daisy. That's a great idea for a movie," Leroy allowed.
Not Noir, Not Ever, Never!
A collaborative short story with Cathryn Crawford
Cathryn was grateful for the brief puff of coolness that carried the thin curtain straining against unforgiving curtain rods into the darkening parlor, watched as the tattered edges rose silently then fell back against the sill, waiting for a new breath of evening comfort to thicken the condensation on a half-empty mint julep glass. The Victrola labored with a soft grinding sound from hours and hours of use as Ruth Etting wafted from its varnished wooden sound horn.
"Button up your overcoat,
When the wind is free,
Take good care of yourself,
You belong to me."
As she sat in quiet contemplation of the heat that enveloped the entire room, nay, her entire world, she slowly ran her finger around in the dust of the never polished oak desk at which she sat. As she did, the music and the words that she wrote formed a simple sort of medley that ran rampant in her head. The musty smell of the aging parlor only added to the feeling of timelessness that was seeping into her bones.
Maybe she knew he was coming and had just forgotten, or maybe Cathryn wanted to punish Brent for some unintended slight, but even though she recognized the timidity of his light rap on her door, her hand dropped off the edge of the correspondence desk onto a crystal faceted knob drawer pull. The drawer gave no resistance and she pulled it out, her glance seeking out the 1911 model Colt pistol as her hand wrapped around the ivory grip in a practiced single motion.
"Brent? Is that you?" and she pulled back the hammer.
"Yes, it's me", said Brent, as he came into the room with the easy charm that she had once admired and now loathed. He walked to her and as she watched him the hand that lay on the desk clinched unknowingly, leaving skin-colored grooves in the once unmarred oak. After an interminable period of time, she forced herself to relax and the shaking in her hands stopped. She stood, the hand holding the gun tucked carefully behind her, and slowly turned to meet Brent.
"Cath, I...I've done something terrible," Brent managed to choke out between his now unruly lips. "My brother Lester has been gambling money from the bathtub gin business and now he owes his bookie fifty thousand dollars."
"What does that have to do with me, Brent?" But the slowly spreading ball of cold fury in the pit of her stomach was triggering adrenaline and a trembling trigger finger that portended something worse than rash. "I told him that I'd get him the money by selling you into white slavery. You'd do that for me, old gal, wouldn't you? Remember all the good times we had? Be a pal."
Cathryn could not believe the idiocy that poured from Brent. He was usually so suave, so charming, and now he was sputtering foolishness.
"Brent, you mindless fool," she growled. "I don't give a damn about your foolish brother. You know I've detested him since that night that he spilt that frothy drink down the back of my $6000 Valentino. Let him get himself out of his own mess." As she spoke the words through gritted teeth she tightened her grip on the gun, its pearly handle smooth in her grasp.
Sam Rico strained to hear more as he pressed the yielding tips of his stethoscope into his downy ears and positioned the metal disc onto the wall, tuning the faded wallpaper like a crystal radio set, pulling in the sound of the conversation in the next room.
"Listen, old sport," Brent's voice was getting louder as it dawned on him that Cathryn was mistaking him for Elvis Walloon, the slick sheik at the Kozy Kitty Klub who had dumped a drink down Cathryn's Valentino during the Charleston competition that ended tragically in Selma losing all her hair.
"You can help me out or go to...."
In a paroxysm of fury, Cathryn's hand jerked, sending the hammer home.
With a vicious report, the Colt fired a shot behind her, puncturing the thin wallboard and traveling most of the way through Sam's skull. Was this the end of the great Rico?
Cathryn stood with her finger still on the trigger of the gun. The smell of the gun blast filled the room as she realized what she had nearly done in her anger. Instead of the fear that should have filled her, however, she felt a crowning sense of triumph as she saw the shock on Brent's face.
"Did you think I wouldn't do it, Brent?" she hissed, as she turned to look behind her at the hole the small bullet had left in the wall.
"What if I had been pointing the other direction?"
At this, with a look of fear mixed with respect, Brent turned and hurried from the room. Cathryn turned and walked back to the desk, allowing her hand to drop to the receiver of the sleek black phone. She picked it up and dialed unhurriedly. When the voice on the other end finally came through, she quietly said, "Come get me."
The Cell Tower BluesMobile phone masts linked to mysterious spikes in births
Well, I woke up this mornin',
rolled outta bed,
looked at mah honey,
she sat up and said,
"See out the window?
That steel-hard cell mast?
You give me summa dat,
or you've had your last."
I got the cell tower blues.
My woman thinks it's funny
to keep popping crotch fruit
like Energizer bunnies.
We got more kids than sense
and I'm sick to death of balling
but that damned cell phone tower
shows no signs of falling.
I got the cell tower blues,
and don't mind multiplying
but, lord, being fruitful
is mighty stupefying.
Continuity Now, Binky was a problem chick
who hatched when the lice were low.
She flopped right out of the nest that night;
her mom ne'er saw her go.
So, Binky grew up all free of lice,
a shocking avian fate,
but got back in to the itch of things
with Chip, her lousy mate.
On rainy days when the flock hangs out
to sing of bug and tree,
Binky regales her chirpy pals
with tales they scarce believe.
"There's a way of life -- of lice bereft,"
she tells them, earnestly,
but those infested in the nest
think itching's meant to be.
And thus do most unlikely things
endure to grip the mind.
Our kids shall have our parasites
and theirs they'll have in kind.
Aye, Poppy ¶And the Lord spake, saying, "Why punisheth thou my vegetation?"
¶And the people said, "Yea, Lord, some guy might get high."
¶And the Lord said, "Is it worth all the caterwauling? We're trying to sleep up here."
¶And the people were sore perplexed...the ones that weren't high, anyway.
The Book of Willem
While blasting out some dangerous overhangs in Syria's Petrosian pass, workers discovered a cave that contained pottery shards and parchment fragments. The fragments were reassembled and translate as follows. [All caps in original]
...AND IT CAME TO PASS AT EVENTIDE, THAT WILLEM FELT A BESTIRRING IN HIS LOINS AND A RESTLESSNESS CAME OVER HIM. SO AS TO LEAVE UNBROKEN THE PEACEFUL SLUMBER OF HAKKATHOO, HIS WIFE, WITH MUCH CARE AND SLOWNESS OF MOVING HE AROSE FROM OUT OF HIS BED, AND WITH SILENT FEET OF THE SNOWY EGRET DID HE MAKE WAY INTO THE ROOM OF PROVISIONS. THERE DID WILLEM TAKE A LOAVE OF BREAD, SOME CAKES AND A JAR OF HONEY.
THEN WALKED HE UPON THE ROOFTOP OF THE WING OF THE KING'S HOUSE THAT LIES UNDER THE WESTERN STAR, AND FROM THE ROOF HIS GAZE DID FALL UPON A WOMAN PAINTING HERSELF; AND THE WOMAN WAS FAIR TO LOOK UPON.
"O, SELAH, SELAH, " WILLEM YEARNED. THEN DID HE SEEK OUT HIS MANSERVANT AND ENQUIRE TO HIM AFTER THE WOMAN, SAYING, "ALLO, ALLO, IS NOT THIS SPASMONIEA, DAUGHTER OF ONAN THE THEODOLITE?" AND WILLEM SENT MESSENGERS, AND TOOK HER; AND SHE CAME IN TO THE ROOM WITHOUT EDGES WHERE WILLEM HAD COME TO WAIT.
WHEN WILLEM HEARD THE SOUND OF HER FOOTSTEPS AT THE DOOR, HE SAID, "COME IN, SPASMONIEA OF ONAN THE THEODOLITE. I HAVE RAISED YOU UP FROM AMONG THE PEOPLE AND MADE YOU LIKE BIMBOLONIAS, WHO HAVE KEPT MY COMMANDS AND FOLLOWED ME WITH ALL THEIR HEARTS."
AND SPASMONIEA SPAKE UNTO WILLEM, "BECAUSE OF THIS, I WILL EAT UP THE GLORY OF THE KING; JUST AS ONE BURNS DUNG, UNTIL IT IS ALL GONE. DOGS WILL EAT THOSE WHO WOULD LAY APPROBATION LIKE A LOG AGAINST THY THIGHS, AND THE BIRDS IN THE AIR WILL FEED ON THOSE WHO COME IN FROM THE COUNTRY."
THEN SPASMONIEA DID UNTO HIM ACCORDING TO THE MANNER OF THE SUCCUBBITES, GREAT OF HAIR, UNTIL WILLEM LIFTED UP HIS EYES TO THE HILLS AND SANG WITH THE VOICE OF BAASHCA'S CAMEL, FROM THE HOUSE OF BEN-DONE. AND SPASMONIEA RETURNED TO HER HOUSE WHERE SHE SOUGHT LYNNEDA, HER MISTRESS, AND TOLD HER WHAT HAD BEFALLEN HER, SHOWING UNTO LYNNEDA HER ANOINTED CLOTHING WHICH SHE HAD SAVED.
NOW WHEN WILLEM LEARNED THAT LYNNEDA HAD SEEN THE ANOINTED RAIMENT, HE WAS SORE AFRAID, FOR THE WOMEN OF THE PLACE SAID, " ELVIS HATH SKEWERED HIS THOUSANDS AND WILLEM HIS TENS OF THOUSANDS."
AND KINISHTARR THE PROPHET CAME BEFORE WILLEM AND SAID, "DIDST THOU KNOW THAT WOMAN? "
AND WILLEM SWARE AND SAID, " I KNEW HER NOT IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE." AND ALL THE PEOPLE SAID AMEN.
THEN WAXED HAKKATHOO,THE WIFE OF WILLEM, EXCEEDING WROTH AND SPAKE UNTO THE ELDERS IN THIS MANNER, "FOR THEY ARE IN LEAGUE AGAINST MY LORD, YEA, EVEN THE SONS OF LIMBAA AND LIDEE ," AND SHE CURSED KINISHTARR BY HIS GODS. AND ALL THE PEOPLE SAID AMEN.
THEN WILLEM SENT UNTO SEKKDEF, THE CAPTAIN OF THE HOST, AND LAID UPON HIM IN THIS FASHION, "GO THOU AND JOIN BATTLE WITH THE BABYLONIANS, THAT THE EYES OF THE PEOPLE MIGHT TURN AND NOT LOOK UPON THE RAIMENT OF SPASMONIEA." AND SEKKDEF ROSE AND DID IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE COMMAND OF WILLEM HIS LORD.
AND THE WIFE OF WILLEM CALLED UNTO HER TWO MEN, SONS OF KHARVILEIL, AND SAID, "I WILL THAT YOU FETCH ME THE HEAD OF KINISHTARR THE PROPHET UPON A STAFF, FOR HE HATH BLASPHEMED AGAINST GOD AND AGAINST ME, WHICH COMETH TO THE SAME THING."
AND THE TWO MEN WENT AND TOOK KINISHTARR THE PROPHET AND SLEW HIM, AND BROUGHT HIS HEAD TO THE WIFE OF THE KING.
BUT WHEN THEY DREW NIGH UNTO THE KING¹S HOUSE, THE ELDERS SPIED THEM AND SPAKE UNTO THE MEN, SAYING," WHEREFORE IS KINISHTARR DEAD, AND WHEREIN GUILTY, THAT YOU HAVE BEHEADED HIM?"
AND THE MEN ANSWERED AND SAID, "FOR KINISHTARR AND DIKK, SON OF ARAMEE, HAVE CAST STONES AT THE KING, SEEKING HIS LIFE". AND THE ELDERS CAME INTO THE PRESENCE OF WILLEM AND SAID, "LET THY WORDS BE TRUE AND WREAK NO FALSEHOOD AGAINST US, WAST THOU STONED INDEED?"
AND WILLEM RENT HIS GARMENTS AND SWARE, "NOT IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE." AND ALL THE PEOPLE SAID AMEN.
It is extremely similar to some early birds such as Archaeopteryx, said paleontologist Xing Xu of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, referring to the earliest known bird, which lived 150 million years ago. Its forelimbs were configured like wings. To be honest, I am not sure what function the feathers have, and I dont think that you can completely exclude the possibility that the feathers helped the animal to get in the air. --- New York Post
A raven-sized creature that lived in southern Germany 150 million years ago really was the 'missing link' between dinosaurs and birds, according to new research.
This is the geologically oldest, but most recently discovered specimen of Archaeopteryx. It lived some 150 million years ago in what is now Northern Bavaria and inhabited what was then a subtropical environment characterized by reef islands and lagoons Now an analysis of the oldest and most complete specimen ever found has shed fresh light on the enigmatic animal - and found it was somewhere in between. --MailonLine
The fossil of a 127-million-year-old baby bird has been unearthed, paving the way for understanding how birds evolved during the age of dinosaurs.
The research, published in Nature Communications, shows the bird belonged to the enantiornithine family, a group that contained many specimens that had teeth and clawed fingers on each wing. --- Fox News
Trade California for Alberta? Not a bad idea. Alberta is so frigid in the winter, its replacing California would lower the average national temperature by enough to eliminate the effects of global warming in the US! Plus, Canada could use some warmer climes and it's not like socialist California would stick out.
I'd go even further. Break up Canada. The western provinces, BC, Alberta, Saskatchewan,and Manitoba would become states. Ontario would remain as the nation of Canada, while Quebec and the eastern provinces would become French Canada. Though without transfer payments from Ottawa, provinces like PEI, Nova Scotia, and Newfoundland, maybe even New Brunswick, would become economic basket cases that even the northeastern US states would take a pass on.
Culturally, neighboring US states and their Canadian counterparts have more in common with each other than their east-west orientated populations. Do it, already, eh?
He's All You Can Stand
I'm convinced Ray Stevens got the inspiration for Guitar-zan from Popsicles/Icicles.
It's where they sing ....
"We love bright stars and guitars and drive-ins on Friday night "
They blurred guitars into 'and,' giving "guitarzand."
Steven's song came out a few years later.
"Little Tilly's a woman now!"
| Tweet Me, M'kay?
|TWEET ME: Sunday at Toronto's CN tower, you in green blouse, brown slacks. Me in crotchless spandex leotards. I'm here naked for you.
TWEET ME: I filmed your SUV sinking. You were screaming for help to get your seat belt off. Did I leave without my press pass?
TWEET ME: Foley Square Laundromat. I took your dryer load by mistake. Need the pumps that go with beige pantsuit.
|TWEET ME: Diana Lee from Shawboro. Loved you all my adult life. It's still only you. Now's our time at last. If a woman answers, hang up.
TWEET ME: Online at a gang bang in Peoria. I didn't know she was your sister. Please give me back my stuff.
TWEET ME: Tascosa Drive-In Theater. You were in the white Thunderbird. I was in the Nissan pickup. I WAS PUMPING UP A VOLLEY BALL
|Tweet Me, Too
|TWEET ME: I held the bus door open for you, got a "fuck you" look. Go up to Canal St, 2 blocks to Riverfront. Turn left to the river. Jump in.
TWEET ME: You were traveling on the down escalator at Macy's. I was throwing up. Great catch. The Cubs need you.
TWEET ME: You had me thrown off the Raleigh Amtrak for flashing you. Met your mom at hobo camp down the line. We're siblings.
TWEET ME: Saw you in the 10/17 The Voice audience. Ugliest woman I've ever seen. We may be related.
|TWEET ME: You wrote my name and number on Port Authority stall walls. You deserve a cut of the profits.
TWEET ME: 38th St subway platform, I flashed you. Will pay to get my cock ring back.
TWEET ME: Cowboys game in the stands, I intercepted your hot dog and instead passed down a joint. Let me help with your bail.
TWEET ME: I whistled at you from my cement truck, you birded me and fell over a fire hydrant. I found your dentures.
Make me your Slav
Well, Ukraine girls really knock me out!
I dig their flat Slav cheeks.
And the Georgian chicks with the way they kiss
keep their guys blue-balled for weeks.
I've been all 'round the CIS
but I never thought I'd find
a hot kulak with skin like chalk
blowing Ivan's Russian mind.
I wish they all could be Yugoslavic,
I'd give my yurt for some Upper Baltic,
thank God you're no Mongolian girl!
"I'm headin' out to Illinois, ma."
"Why you be doin' that, boy?"
"Well, ma, they's cuttin' off permanent welfare here. I can only support us so much by food stamp resales, check forgery, drug dealin', benefit fraud, muggin', burglary, armed robbery, counterfeitin' and fencin' stolen merchandise."
"Well, I swan. What you gonna do, boy?"
"I don't know, ma. It's not like I have any skills."
"Well, I swan."
That old toxic masculinity
"What are you so aggravated about?"
"I spent over an hour putting on all of my make-up, coordinating my pants and blouse and doing my hair. And l had barely got out the front door when some strange guy harassed me!"
"Wow. What did he do?"
A Reminder To my black readers, this is a reminder that voting is acting white.
"Are you wearing a thong, madam?"
"A traditional one among my people, yes."
"What do you mean?"
"It's a hula hoop festooned with a hemp rope sling."
"What does 'festooned' mean?"
"I don't know."
Abortion for Dummies So [disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters] are taking their revenge on people without health care, women who need abortions, and others who they (if they supported Hillary) must think will be harmed by a Republican victory in the fall. --- Michael Kinsley, Time magazine.
"And what seems to be the problem, Cynthia?"
"Don't call me Cynthia, Doctor. I don't call you Ramesh."
"Oh, please forgive. What brings you here today, Miss, uh..., Miss Pitcairn?"
"I need an abortion."
"Oh, my. Did your ObGyn say what the risk was?"
"ObGyn? I don't need no ObGyn. I need an abortion."
"Well, Miss Pitcairn, if there is no risk to your health, why don't you give birth and place for adoption?"
"What? Are you crazy? I could start swelling up at any time and Tyrone says he'll move out if I lose my shape."
"Are you worried you won't be able to afford your rent without Tyrone?"
"What? Rent? I live with my mother. Tyrone comes by for meals and booty."
"Is Tyrone the father?"
"What? How the hell should I know? Look, Doc, just do me an abortion."
"I don't do abortions, Miss Pitcairn."
"What? You're discriminating against me! Attica! Attica! Help! He touched me!!"
"I hate this job."
"What did you do in the ISIS war, Daddy?"
I was a suicide bomber, honey.
But youre still alive.
Its harder than it looks.
Buck UpPirates, hackers and suicide bombers,
you're not even safe at home.
They'll come down the intertubes --
snatch all your data, or blow up
your tour group in Rome.
What good is having a Defense Department
with wide open borders and sky?
If the suitcase nukes or swine flu don't getcha,
they'll serve up a new way to die.
So rattle your cage bars, trade 'safety' for freedom,
keep terror from clouding your day.
'Cause just like the cops, fedguv will tell you,
"When it comes down to seconds, we're minutes away!"
Gimme Dat Job "This interview is being recorded for quality control purposes. Is that acceptable to you, Mr Jackson?"
"Why, sure. But you can call me Tyrone."
"I'd rather not. What are your educational qualifiers for a position with the National Labor Relations Board, Mr Jackson?"
"I got myself a Bachelor of Arts degree from UNC-Chapel HIll in Afro-American Studies."
"Isn't that the program that didn't have classrooms, instructors, or exams?"
"How could you have learned anything?"
"Well, we hung out on the 'hood mostly, studying the brothers."
"Did you learn anything useful?"
"Oh, hell, yeah. Did you know the CIA introduced crack into the black community? Or that AIDS is just another way to keep the brother down?"
"I see. How do you figure any of this would prepare you for a position on the NLRB?"
"Well, ain't labor unions mostly about preserving jobs that don't exist, paying people to do nothin', and makin' sure no one knows anything different?"
"I think you're going to be happy here, Tyrone."
"I'll surrender my armies and hand up my sword
depending on how you will treat me, my lord."
The weary commander, resolve in his voice,
sized up his opponent then gave her a choice.
"Stand down your attackers, call off the strike,
and I'll mercifully leave your head on a pike."
"What would you do with my body below?"
the wide-eyed foreigner wanted to know.
"I'll tie your bare limbs one each to a steed,
then drive them to gallop away at high speed."
"And what would become of my thus quartered torso?"
"I'll paint each limb blue then bludgeon it more so."
"And will my piked head be looking toward home?"
the supplicant asked as the commander groaned.
"Listen, you jack-wad, you're going to be dead.
What does it matter which way goes your head?"
With that the commander unsheathed his sword,
whacked his opponent, cut off her gourd.
The lesson, my children, to take from this bit
is get what you can; don't sweat the small shit.
A Mars Rover's LamentAll day I faced the Martian waste without the taste of water;
At JPL the jerks at work sip Evian: I die for water;
cool clear water.
The nights are cold and I've been told each star's
a pool of water; cool water.
But with the dawn I'll switch back on
and MastCamBate for water; cool water.
Load an infra-scan; exploration is the plan;
you're a robot not a man and the broken rocks can stand for water; cool clear water.
MRO, can't you see that big green tree
where water's runnin' free and it's waiting there for
Error. Stack overflow.
Even a Single RaindropEven a single raindrop,
assembled on some parched mote,
Jazzing with orphaned electrons, shrugging a dewy coat,
buffeted barely coherent,
grasping molecular staves,
even a single rain dro
waves waves waves
Waylon's advice to GrandmaAn elderly Manhattan woman living on Social Security was slapped with a $100 ticket -- for throwing away a newspaper in a city trash can.
"Grandma don't toss your newspaper into that trashcan. the tourists will see ya and get the idea old women don't cherish their TImes.
"Garbage ain't easy to love as it leaks on the floor. But make like a pack rat, and horde that rank treasure galore: moldy damp coffee grounds, transcripts of speeches from Gore.
"And each day begins a new pile.
"So wear both your nose plugs and don't die too soon of the shame. Roaches will love it and some rats will call you by name.
"Grandma don't toss your newspaper into some dumpster. The precinct commander might file an attainder and keep the remainder for spite."
Can you read this without LOLing?
Auctioneer: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself. Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble
Paul Moore: It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you're the smartest person in the room.
Jane Craig: No. It's awful.
------------ Broadcast News
Moonman62,larry lucido, Jane Long, dp0622,mylife,nopardons,rlmorel,bagster
Epstein Prison Warden Speaks Out
Hey, yo, I be like a war-den, and shit.
What are your qualifications?
My family be inmates for three generation, yall.
How long is that?
Parenting, FReeper styleWe taught them to read by Age 4 (and yes, any normal kid can do that, if youre willing to spank them).
👍 When I was a kid, Naked and Afraid
was just called "doctor."
Does history repeat itself?
"History doesnt repeat, but it rhymes." (Mark Twain)
An example of history failing to repeat has been the assumption that Maslows Hierarchy of Needs tops out with self-actualization. It does not in all cultures, Muslim in particular.
That thinking that actualization would be repeated led to neo-conservatism with its implication that democratic values could be successfully exported, at gunpoint if necessary, to any society. The ME wars discredited Maslow and neo-conservatism.
That particular history of conquest did not repeat. But it rhymed in the lessons of post-WWII Japan. With unconditional surrender and occupation, democracy can be exported. Anything less doesnt work predictably. You have to be ruthless.
And that sounds an awful lot like Napoleons admonition of If youre going to take Vienna, take Vienna. IOW, dont mess around with anything less than total resolve. Or history will repeat itself.
"How do I look, Donald?"
"Like ... like ... Saturn!"
Florida woman accused of murdering her husband was once his stepdaughter:
O, Florida, you are one of a kind.
Click-bait galore, leaves other states behind.
Any dumb ass news worth a million views
Surely features Florida man.
O, Florida, what's gotten in to you?
O, Florida, can I have some, too?
--------Definitely not O, Canada.
It only hurts for a little while.
Well, Pat, congratulations. I hear you got pregnant.
Thanks. It finally worked after an egg was planted in
my artificial womb and a sperm introduced through
a long needle.
I hate needles. That must have been very painful.
Worst I ever felt, but they said the real hurt will be
when the baby is delivered.
Why is that?
It has to fight its way out through the penis.
Nancy: I used to have boobs out to here!
Kathryn: And now, theyre down to here.
Hillary: Say, now that you mention it,
my Living Bra starved to death.
This meeting of the Royal Commission on Ethnic Discretion will come to order. Mr. Bloor, do you have any opening remarks?
Yes, thank you, Chairman Wunsch. Canada is experiencing a collision between Islamic mandates and continued existence of any given homosexual. Our Muslim community suffers from law enforcement backlash whenever a homosexual is dispatched for his/her presumed perversion.
Clearly, the reluctance of any sane Muslim to take a heretics filthy life must mediate in favor of a religious entity over secular slow-footedness.
And on a closing note, the Mississauga Council for Allahs Harmony wishes it entered into the record that the Council neither endorses nor has knowledge of the bombing of the Gay Alliance Convention in Toronto tomorrow.
Thank you, Mr. Bloor.
Before sundials, we had Ages
Dad, what age is this?
Its the Stone Age, Borf.
Does that mean we can get stoned?
No, this kind of stone means a rock.
Why dont we call it the Age of Rock, then?
Because The Rolling Stones arent for 14,000 years.
But you said THIS is the Stone Age.
Shut up and roll me a doobie.
The victim is invited to come to court and meet the guy who stole his property or burglarized his house so he can say hes sorry. If he does this, he gets to avoid prison.
"Mr White, this is Felonious Monk, the teen who broke into your house."
"Hey, bro, whazzup!"
"You up the river I hope."
"Hey, chill, homey. Hey, I just wanna say, "my bad," for breaking into your crib."
"That hardly seems adequate."
"Hey, like, I'm just getting started. Sorry for doing your daughter."
"... and spittin' in your work thermos..."
"... and putting a key logger on your computer..."
"... and logging into your bank to get all your money and spend it on a meth party for my boys."
"Why is this thug only being charged with trespassing?"
"It's part of the plea deal, Mr White. And now he's free to go."
"Is this what passes for justice in New York City?"
"Yes, it is Mr White. New York, New York is a hell of a town."
"It sure is."
"... oh, and I be takin' a piss without liftin' the seat, too."
Missing Commandments Recovered The missing Five Commandments were discovered
in the Qumran caves and translated as below:
11. Thou shouldst pick thine own cotton.
12. Confuse thou not the Apostles with the Epistles.
13. Remember thy coming of age to keep it weird.
14. Covet not thy neighbor's ass.
15. Do not believeth everything thou readest.
Don't Cry for Me, California
Don't cry for me, Caiifornia.
Götterdämmerung's only beginning.
You high-heels-in-short-shorts Annie Fanny ...
You left a wrong number.
Was I your cucumber?
Sac fellated the unions with pensions,
that no one can pay. Did I mention?
You've embraced the race to Caracas.
Self-destructive, yet wildly seductive,
it's easier than change.
Bankruptcy's not something to pray for
but you're living life on the brink,
and when riptide rips you to a sea of red ink,
don't come crying to me, California.
If dinosaurs had only stayed around...
You' have B.C. to thank.
Words spoke at home
Can land dad in the tank.
With freedom dead,
you speak French instead
like gerbils on a wheel.
Woe, Canada, who will put up with thee?
Woe, Canada, it damned sure won't be me.
What idiot named them jet skis
instead of boater-cycles?
"High, their. I'm hear two get my hare cut."
"It's english. Due yew speak it?"
"Yes. Do you spell it?"
Steward: Should I put the bag in the overhead?
Assistant: No, wait until her Thorazine kicks in.
Dammit all. Its bad enough that a whole new category of crime, hate crimes, is contingent on what the perp was thinking. Now, I have to worry about what the victim is thinking, too? The cave man with his club didnt know how good he had it.
New Mayor says, "Send us the illegals"
"They told me if I got elected, Chicago is so bad, I couldn't possibly make it any worse."
"Is that right, sweet cheeks?"
What are you doing out here, boy? What kind of boat did you fall out of?
Was the outboard running? What did it sound like?
Look! Theres boy out there in the water. Its Timmy! Go get Timmy, boy!
And Ida made it, too, if the damned moon hadnt got in my way.
An Unlikely Astronaut Story Jack and Jill launched from MacDill
to orbit for some time.
Jill came back three months along,
but swears, It isnt mine.
They got me coming and going. Which is
weird, cause I can't tell you which is which.
Are You Intellectually Superior? Hey, Artie, what is intellectual superiority?
Welcome to the mindset, Danny. You are intellectually superior if you can regurgitate what is taught in college.
Im too dumb to go to college.
I know. Well make college come to you.
How will we do that?
Well take the crap you wish was true and make it what they teach in college. All you have to do is espouse your own crap, and theyll see you are superior.
Wow. Will it really work?
Obama got a Nobel prize for just being himself, spouting his own crap. Hows that for you?
Wow. Ill be a magna lum cootie!
How to tell if you've become a terrorist
If you come home to find youve moved to a yurt...
If your pickup truck sprouts a .50 cal machine gun ...
If your wake up call comes from a minaret ...
If a glimpse of your wifes stocking is shocking ...
If you find yourself kneeling on a bath mat ...
If your wife brings in a young boy and cuts you off ...
If you dont have to walk a mile for a camel ...
If your kids think the dog is disgusting ...
If you vacation in Yemen ...
If you have a hankering to blow up some Jews ...
... you just might be a terrorist.
Elizabeth Warren Takes a DNA test Ms Warren, we have the results of your DNA test.
How much aboriginal ancestry do I have?
Well, there is good news and bad news.
Whats the bad news?
Theres no Indian blood. You are 20 percent Irish, 33 percent German, 47 percent Roma gypsy. You are hot-headed, bent on world domination, and completely untrustworthy.
Damn. Whats the good news?
Youre in the correct line of work.
The Posse In hot pursuit, bent low, we rode mounted,
broke cold mountain sunlight, brittle as glass.
We scoured the foothills, fierce Llano Estacado,
'neath anvil-head hailstorms that strafed the stiff grass.
But rapier yucca leaves
soon blocked the canyon,
and thorny black greasewood disrupted the chase.
When black flies and scorpions
consumed our ramada,
there'd be no rough justice,
just us in disgrace.
Chuck Schumer: No Senate Confirmation For White Men
Are we all snowflakes now? Unlike today in Florida, where the Parkland school building where the massacre of 17 students occurred will be demolished, the consolidated school in Bath, Michigan, where 44 students were killed in a 1927 bombing. was repaired, and the kids went back to classes there. The wimpification of America rolls on.
Even the news coverage of the 1927 bombing was truncated by Charles Lindberghs trans-Atlantic solo flight a few days later. Yes, there were news cycles before the internet.
Intellectual Poverty Raised income levels qualify
more and more as povertized--
We drop the expectations
for their public education
so they become less able
to keep food on the table--
Thereby their income stays, you see,
within the realm of poverty.
A few may still climb out, so then
the limits must be raised again
and schools told to ask less of them
who can't eat self-esteem.
My Favorite Weird Ship
USS Long Beach CGN-9 Caution: this may be a lot of embellished hooey.
If you wanted to serve on a ship that rarely left port in the US, the Long Beach was where to be. We couldnt do much more than 30 knots with a clean hull, so we couldnt keep up with the carriers, so we rarely left port. The reason was that the Long Beach was originally going to be a DLG weighing 12,000 tons. By the time the USN was done expanding it, it weighed 14,000 tons. During sea trials, it was feared that the ship would roll over because it was so top heavy, so 2000 tons of lead was added along the keel to raise the weight to 16,000 tons.
In the mid 1960s, the 2000 tons of lead in the keel shifted so the ship didnt roll symmetrically, and jerked 2 or three times each way rather than rolling smoothly and then snapped upright. Additionally, one of the shafts was out of balance so it vibrated a lot when it was over 20 knots. The top heaviness also caused it to roll up to 35 degrees to each side which made the steam generator sloshing from side to side real interesting and left foot prints 6 feet up the walls at the ends of the athwart ship passage ways where a sailor was forced to stop himself during a roll. In heavy seas, the nose would dive, and water would come up thru the bull nose and cover the forward Tarrier launchers. What a ride!
Going to North Korea? Here's Some Useful Tips
Pyongyangs Baskin-Robbins' shelves are bare.
But the menu promises a few flavors...
YourAss Good-bye Kisses
Cherry Jubilieve Anything
Spam (in season)
Americans eat snow, claims North Korea propaganda video. He'll have a nice filet of crow
washed down with cocoa made from snow
sent here from North Korea.
The DPRK muffin bran
he tries digesting, but in vain
is lost to diarrhea.
Toxic masculinity? (it's a car thang)
"Geico was a cool gig until I ate the gekko. Like, who knew?, you know?
"Now, I have to register with the SPCA and can't live within a hundred yards of a terrarium.
"Say, are you here with anybody?"
Porn star denies affair with Trump This silliness is tabloid trash compared to the yacht Monkey Business and the scuttling of Gary Hart's presidency try. You may recall Hart dared the press to catch him being a bad boy, and they did. Then there was John Edwards' initial denial of and later confession to having an extra-marital child, ending his run at a Democratic VP candidacy. What we have now is bathwater and no baby.
But I want to get in the Wayback Machine and ride it back to the 1920s.
"Woof, woof! Don't be a goof!" "Honk, honk. It's the bonk!"
The image on the right was one of many done by the New York Graphic, the CNN of the 1920s. They called the things "Composographs." The Graphic launched the careers of Ed Sullivan and Walter Winchell during its short, exploitative life.
Fifty-one year old New York real estate magnate, Edward Browning met 15-year old Peaches at a dance. And, shades of Alabama judge Roy Moore, was smitten with her. A month later, they were married. Six months later, Peaches filed to divorce Daddy because he wanted her to do icky things like, you know, coitus and stuff. It became the scandal of the decade, and the Graphic rode the story like a rented mule.
When it was finally over, Peaches got her singleness back, but only six thousand dollars. There's a lot more. Read the saga of Daddy and Peaches here, if you're interested. We now return you to the ongoing media beclownment, already in progress.
North America's Venezuela?
California wants the money businesses get under the new federal tax laws.
They are also trying to legislate a super-tax on all companies doing over a million dollars in business a year.
I guess they figure companies that big do business across state lines, so by forcing them to raise prices that will offset the super-tax, customers out of state will be inadvertently subsidizing Sacramento.
A certain amount of out-of-state customers will put up with the price hike, but I would think most customers just switch suppliers for the lowest price. This hurts everyone but the politicians, which could make anyone masochistic enough to continue living in California a little cynical. It's like watching Venezuela all over again.
She's Back, Too
Elizabeth Kucinich is back. Her husband, Dennis, is running for some office or other, too.
Have you noticed... ... how leftists lionize JFK while "Ask not what your country can do for you," sets their mouths afroth?
"Whew. Oh, mein Gott!. Did you fart, mein Fuhrer?"
"Fuhrers don't fart."
"Ach! Zen it must haff been me."
"It must haff.
Understanding Beautiful Women
Jean Harlow would wear disguises to go out and pick up strange guys at night. Her men friends, who feared sure rejection, wouldn't approach her in normal everyday life. So, Harlow married creeps and one beat her enough to cause kidney damage. Jean continued to work in misery until she could no longer. Harlow's mother, a strict Christian Scientist, wouldn't let doctors treat Jean until it was too late to save her.
Remember that the next time you sidle up to a beautiful woman, and she tells you to get the hell away from her, the poor thing.
The Courting-by-Snail-Mail Blues I worry each let
ter from my love to your life,
Impatiently dreaming its flight;
but it's no delicious
tion! there's a soft leaden
tail on this kite
sibly waiting for forever someday
entangled in thickets of how,
I need you
I need you
I need you
I need you
Embrace Your Masculine Toxicity
Dont touch any women, leave lost kids alone.
Maleness is Mafia; youre Don Corleone.
But its mostly you older guys doomed, as a rule;
The snow-flaky beta males are neutered in school.
Registered sex offender? "Get your hands off me! Help, help!"
"Shhhh. Cool it, baby. You're gonna like this."
"You're just a rapist! Help!"
"It's okay, baby. I'm registered with the state."
"I got papers."
Because Farkle Family
.... and the Postman keeps on ringing...
Boomer Top Ten The Hollies - The Air that I Wheeze
Vikki Carr - It Must be Phlegm
Donna Summer - I Feel Lump
Frank Ifield - I Remember Who
Johnny Horton - Withering Pines
Linda Ronstadt - Love is a Robe
Mickey & Sylvia - Love is Strained
Christina Aguilera - Our Day, We'll Gum
Glen Campbell - By the Time I Get to Finish
The Jaynetts- Sally Go Round the Donut Seat
"... so I said, "Fuhrers don't fart." and
she said, "Well, it must have been me.""
Aachoo! I sneezed a sneeze,
a sneeze I snoze,
and blew by tea ride up by doze.
It's a hunka hunka... marble
The 'Elvis sculpture is 2nd Century AD. The Roman Elvis is in fact a genuine marble acroterion - a kind of architectural ornament often found for decoration on the corners of a sarcophagus, a stone tomb or burial chamber.
Pop a what?A trail of popcorn on New Year's Day led Sacramento police to a man wanted on a warrant, authorities said.
"Hey, yo, baby-momma! I be here to pop a corn in yo' ass."
"It's not 'pop a corn' you nappy-headed fool. It's 'pop a cap.'"
"What? Sheeit. It look like most o' the popcorn done fell out anyway."
"Does this mean I'm safe?"
"Until I be stealing some caps, I s'pose so. Get de door, will ya?"
It's awful not getting the Prez's words filtered through a press corps of antagonistic attention whores. And before committing their old partisan perfidy, Trump tweets anew and the trolley trundles on.
It must drive 'em crazier.
"Should I be running?"
"You're about to go flying!"
Crumbling Pompeii Archaeologists and art historians have long complained about the poor upkeep of Pompeii, dogged by lack of investment, mismanagement, litter and looting. Bogus tour guides, illegal parking attendants and stray dogs also plague visitors.
How to tell if your tour guide was bogus.
1. After explaining how Vesuvius rides on a plate, he sold you a six-place setting.
2. He charged extra to see The Forum, calling it The Fivem in devalued dollars.
3. Told you the fresco you heard about was a soft drink, sold you a six-pack.
4. Convinced you the Marina gate was named after Marina Sirtis, Deanna Troi of Star Trek. Sold you a bobble-head Captain Kirk.
5. Told you Via di Nola means Street of New Orleans, Louisiana. Sold you some ancient plastic beads from the Pompeiian Mardi Gras.
6. Told you the placard on that lavish villa, "Aulus Vettius Restitutus," meant "All tour guides get paid here."
Alphonso's bull-repelling whistle proved to be as ineffective as his idea of getting front row seats was a bad one.
It occurs to me that nobody 'pumps' gas in the literal sense any more. The original metered gasoline dispensers had handles on them. The user worked the handle to literally pump gas up into a glass tube that was calibrated in gallons. The tube was then emptied into the vehicle.
Film footage of Edwardian London discoveredThe film was shot in 1904 as a 'travelogue' for Australians curious about life in what was "one of the most exciting cities anywhere", according to Professor Ian Christie.
From the article... The footage, shot of 35mm film, also shows subtle insights into life such as the way people walked, he added.
Do we walk differently now? Where I can see people walking in the film, the guys do seem to have a heel-less gait that conjures up the walking style of Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin.
Could it be that those comedic walks were not comedic at all, but the trailing end of a vanishing fashion?
"It's A Brand New Car!"
"This is the new Volkswagen, Fuhrer."
"Where is the steering wheel?"
"Mmmm, there seems to be a bug, Fuhrer."
"A Volkswagen bug? Heh heh. Ulric,
take this nitwit out and shoot him."
When the good guys are gunless
"Hold it! Stop right there and drop your weapon!"
"And if I don't, what then, copper?"
"I'll slap you."
"By god, I believe you would!"
Beaver Bites Man To Death
There once was a man from Brest,
who stopped at a buddy's behest
to bother a beaver
with teeth like a cleaver;
the rodent performed its dammedest.
"I had no choice but to shoot him, judge, my wife was in danger."
"Mr Redd, our records show you aren't married."
"Never said I was."
"Are you Mr John Redd, of Hawaii?"
A reliable source tells me that in 2016, a trepanation was performed on Joe Scarborough, wherein they threw away the skull and kept the hole. I have hesitated bringing this up because the skull makes an excellent planter.
Think you're cool? This is a smiling spy
about to be executed by a Russian in WWII.
Man dies while raping elderly South Texas woman
"Ack! What are you doing?"
"Shut up, old lady."
"Ugh, ung, grunt."
"Unnng, ugh .... "
"Son of a bitch."
Snow White Unchained
It's time to update a cultural classic to reflect a modern mind. Henceforth the 7 dwarves will be known as:
Don't Luddite Get You Down
We'll have our global warming,
it's gonna be the rage.
The benefits are forming
to stall the next ice age.
But, hark, what muffled grousing
the transom overflows,
as climate change arouses
funky festooned foes?
It's a cascade of excresence
to make mankind regress
to living like a peasant
while using less and less.
Crank up the moth-balled factories
and turn the A/C down.
Build nuclear reactors
to light your life and town.
"US Muslims struggle with how they Well, bless their hearts. It would be helpful if we are to understand their angst, to personalize the issue or adjust the frame for a more familiar perspective.
should condemn extremism"
Americans struggle with how they should condemn incest. Well, I think I've learned a little something from this exercise, primarily that something inherently evil as beheading innocents, random mass murder, and the premeditated destruction of conquered civilizations, should qualify for condemnation with no moral struggling at all. And to the extent you find it difficult to condemn evil, then that is the extent to which you are complicit and indeed, a facilitator.
Americans in 1941 struggle with how they should condemn the attack on Pearl Harbor.
Americans struggle with how they should condemn slavery.
Americans struggle with how they should condemn anti-Muslim genocide.
At the Fair
At this summer's fair,
I asked an attendant if,
being at the head of the line at last,
I might ride the next train
of his roller coaster.
Was I sure I wanted to? he asked,
as this ride was known for high
acceleration, breathtaking plunges,
and being impossible to control
Having survived lesser rides,
I assured him I was ready.
He shrugged and laughed
then told me
I had been for some time
in the last car of the already departed train.
It was beyond choosing.
The rest of his words were lost
in exhilaration as I was
ripped out into the starlight.
Hangin' with Zeb
Me and Zeb rode God's land
down canyon, mesa, brush,
to mend the lame with healing hand,
to sing of cowboy lust.
Now, one dark night Zeb couldn't see,
stepped off a railroad bridge
but grasped the edge and dangled free,
one tough son of a bitch.
Zeb hung there by his fingertips
'til dirt he saw at morning light
was but an inch below his feet,
which pissed him off so much
he hung there the rest of the day,
just out of spite.
First snow What stuff is this? the pony called,
that whites me up to turn me bald,
that tickles, trickles down warm ears?
that rides the wind as cold as fear.
The fence that kept the wolves at bay
I'd faith leap o'er to get away
now binds me here in my alarm.
There's no cold comfort on this farm.
"Joe sent me."
"Are you a surgeon?"
"Yes, I do."
"I mean, do you do surgery?"
"Yes, I am."
"Do you get referrals from other doctors?"
"Terminal cases, and slow pay."
"Come on in."
"Get on my perch."
"Not without a cracker."
I'm not Buster Brown;
I don't live in a shoe.
But my old pet rooster,
"Oh my, such ostracized, scorned, belittled people," Clifford thought, as the drizzling rains washed away his newly-"paved" driveway and rinsed the "paint" off the vinyl siding of his house.
He finally turned and walked back inside his home, increasingly concerned that his young daughter had not yet returned from her "date."
On naming a frozen world 'Vulcan' Mercury isn't fluid;
Neptune's not so wet;
Uranus isn't brown enough;
You take what you can get.
---certainly not by Dorothy Parker
The Earth Drive-In
Here in our suburban Orion arm,
we watch star-draped archer Sagittarius,
his bow drawn, bolt aimed at the galactic heart.
He hasn't released since firing the arrow
that punched a black hole Downtown.
The back rows of the cosmic drive-in are rustic
but we get some hot smoochies
and a jones for the coming attractions.
Jupiter Used to Be 4X Farther from Sun
What Im dont understand is, if Hot Jupiters are the norm, and Jupiter presently is too far out to be hot, did it migrate in and then stop? Why would it stop?
Maybe, and Id have to run some simulations to determine, maybe Jupiter slowed down to gawk at the collision of whatever it was that knocked Uranus on its ass. By not paying attention to where it was going, Jupiter then slammed into traffic cone planetesimals , leaving behind the asteroid belt and some hub caps.
Are you in a gay hotel? How to tell if you are in a gay hotel.
1. The desk rings for the ball-boy, not the bell-boy.
2. When they ask if you have a reservation --- about bondage.
3. When something like this is on your room wall ---
You know, what with the F word,
the N word and the C word, were well on our way to spelling France.
Chicago announces mass closing of elementary schools Wendell Weedy
Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School
Dear Parent(s) of a FECES child,
In view of mass closing of elementary schools for under-utilization, the administration will be handling FECES a little differently for a while. The cafeteria is merging with the theater to become the catheter and speech therapy will move into the library to become therapery.
During bad times the community turns to FECES, and vice versa. The third fiscal leg of the FECES stool is our Lindsay Lohan Brownies program. Although parental subscription to the LLB remains at virtually one hundred percent, our program director, Garth Munch, is looking to spread availability with a Friends And Relatives Tier (FART). Please remind any new sales associates to keep the vacuum sealed brownie packs unopened until in the owner's home. Do not open the packs in the car, as the aroma of the snacks is pervasive and one never knows what will alert drug dogs.
FECES is a part of all of us, and the school staff plans to retain FECES as long as possible. Join us. It's your school and there's no such thing as getting into FECES too deeply.
Must-see TV in 2019
Don't miss the finale of Ethiopian Idol, as the last contestant standing, after months of brutal begging for food resulted in death by starvation of one candidate a week, receives a comb.ISIS Road Truckers
Mohammed finds that taking four prayer breaks a day is killing his load count.Under-covered Boss
Meanwhile fifty miles north in Tuktoyaktuk, Mohammad realizes that his load consists of two thousand gallons of used grease, primarily melted pig fat. In a fit of porcine repulsion, Mohammad leaves his rig, gets lost in a white-out and freezes to death.
A hundred miles away, tensions mount among Hugh, Polar Bear, and Mohameht over whether Lisa should be required to wear a hijab under her burqa. Lisa resolves the dispute by shooting Mohameht and throwing his body down Atigun Pass.
Anthony Weiner and Barney Frank, convicted of sexual atrocities following their X-rated Naked and Afraid debacle, go undercover again, only this time to catch employees of their new joint venture, Felony Franks, in the act of handling hot wieners.
- Our cooks went to Screw U.
- Do you want to fry with that?
- Try our Diet Dog. It's lite without possibility of a roll.
- Your hotdog is free if the cashier doesn't shank you.
- Please count your change carefully. We need time to molest your woman.
- Employees must wipe their shivs before returning to the service line.
- Don't like mustard? No problem.
- Don't like relish? No problem.
- Don't like serial rapists? We got a problem.
- Do not accept hot dogs from server's lap.
And now for the rest of the fable... There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
with so many children she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
then whipped them all soundly
and put them to bed.
The children who put up with such shoe-full abuse,
found Child Protection Services a sadist's excuse.
They formed a committee and upstairs they crept,
to her room, where they slit,
her throat while she slept.
Wee Willie Winkie
Wee Willie Winkie
runs through our town,
up stairs and down stairs
in his night-gown,
tapping at the windows,
crying at the locks,
"Get the kiddies into bed;
it's nigh ten o'clock!"
Once he's feeling certain
all the eyes are shut,
Wee Willie rushes home to his quonset hut.
Logging into porn sites, he whiles the night away,
eating Cheetos, whacking Willie 'til the break of day.
Is It Just Me? As I was walkin' up the stairs,
I saw a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
Oh, how I wish he'd go away.
But when I am reminded that
my home is but a ground floor flat,
then climbing stairs that don't exist
means face time with my therapist.
J&J v Waterman Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
The owner of the well-topped hill,
sued by Jack's HMO,
was asked to tell why he chose to drill
so high, not down below.
The answer wasn't good enough.
The judge ruled drastically.
Now Jack and Jill own all his stuff
Was That Wrong? Pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold,
pease porridge in the pot, nine days old.
Toss it in the microwave, ten minutes high,
listen for the pot to crack, smell the porridge fry.
Watch the oven's door blow out, oh the gooey foam.
Won't this be a fun surprise for mom
when she gets home?
Cats 'n' dogs 'n' dishesHey diddle diddle,
the cat played the fiddle,
the cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such sport, and the dish ran away with the spoon.
"You rubbed me a rash!"
screamed the put-upon spoon,
but chafing dish fled out the door.
The little dog laughed, crapped on the couch,
and piddled a pool on the floor.
The cat's music stopped when he found out that cat gut gives violin strings their punch.
And the cow came back from circling the moon
vacuum-dried, par-broiled, and lunch.
Dear Mrs Drisophila,
We are sending your daughter, Cleonausea, home with a written warning. As per the dress code here at Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School, children are not allowed to wear their hair with bangs, due to the association of bang with guns. Please be advised that in order to avoid offending Muslim sensibilities, pig tails are also banned.
You are asked to come in to the school for a meeting with our Trauma Counselor to discuss ameliorating the damage wearing bangs may have done to Cleonausea. While you're here, you may notice that the American flag flown at FECES has been altered to enhance the values we try to instill in the children. The fifty stars have been replaced with one large smiley, and the red/white striping has been overprinted with the lyrics of "Baby Don't Hurt Me." We want you to be proud of what FECES is doing for our community.
New York, New YorkNew York City police have begun handing out small cards telling people why they were stopped and searched on city streets.
"Why did you stop me, officer?"
"It's part of our positive reinforcement program."
"What do you mean?"
"I found you doing something good. You stopped when the 'don't walk' signal came on."
"So, what was frisking me all about, then?"
"Checking you for lumps. Cancer, you know."
"And these handcuffs?"
"It's just a precaution."
"So what's the positive reinforcement?"
"I'm positive I"ll have some reinforcement in a minute. Then we're going to kick your ass. This is New York, you know."
"It's a hell of a town."
"It sure is. Now get up against the car."
Baseball rocks because ...
1. You get roused from slumber mid-game to go take a leak.
2. Despite the name, the World Series has no furriner teams, except Canada.
3. It makes golf seem exciting.
4. Your balls can be hard or soft.
5. It gets people with nothing better to do off the street.
"Trillion's the new billion." People don't stop to realize what a Brogdingnagian number a trillion is.
It's one million millions. Yet we're tossing the figure around like New Year's revelers of 1929. It's unnerving.
"Trillion's the new thousand" says "buy gold."
If conception doesnt create a citizen,
if quickening doesnt create a citizen,
if being born doesnt create a citizen,
when does it become a crime to kill you?
Tie a yellow iPad on the old oak tree
I'm coming home with my degree
and I've got to know if my old room's still free.
Living on my own was such a trip,
I got good at smoking dope and acting hip.
But there's no demand for graduates with black lesbo degrees,
so I'm thinking I can sponge off you in this economy.
Oh, tie a yellow iPad on the old oak tree
if I still get room and board rent-free.
Or forget about that and pass the hat to give me some money,
just tie a yellow iPad on the old oak tree.
Now the whole damned bus is quiet
and I can't believe I see ...
...you've sold the place, moved out of state,
the only word to me... an all-caps note,
"THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE," on the old oak tree.
In related news, the Collegiate Forum For Naming Things, CFFNT, in light of the term Master being part of the master-slave duality, has rescinded the title Master's Degree.
In future, Master's Degree will be referred to as Bachelor Number Two.
A diplomat's dream "Pack your bags, Sibley. I 'm sending you to North Korea. Dress warmly."
"Any other advice?"
"Yes, eat your shoes before entering the country. You might not get a second chance."
Big Hair I was in a Cabinet meeting
With the FLOTUS by my side,
When striding in on camera
Miss America stopped and cried,
"You can't flee the past forever
With "It's all 'he said, she said,'
And I'll be there as a witness
With my Big Hair on my head,
Big Hair on my head."
"Big Hair, Big Hair,
Whether backseat or in bed,
You will pay for every bimbo
With the Big Hair on her head."
Before I got my breath back,
One stepped up to take her place.
She said, " I'm Katie Willey.
Don't you recognize my face?"
"All you see in starstruck women
Is hot lips and boobs. Instead,
Look upon your waking nightmare
With my Big Hair on my head.
Big Hair on my head."
Big Hair, Big Hair,
I wished that I was dead.
God, there must have been a hundred
With the Big Hair on their head.
That's when they all came trooping in,
Interns, Flowers, and Jones.
Shelia Lawrence, grey as death,
With Larry's mobile bones.
Lewinsky's blown, like Ladybird,
"My affidavit's full of air As Big Hair on my head. Big Hair on my head." Big Hair, Big Hair,
The last thing Rodham said,
Was "I hope your prison cellmate
Will have Big Hair on his head."
Big Hair, Big Hair,
I'm just fresh meat for the convict
With the Big Hair on his head,
Big Hair on his head.
What was that all about?" --- Epitaph
The dry-boned wraith down Lethe falls,
doth lurk, e'en now, to o'ertake all.
Waste each day, ye flakes of snow,
'til derelict ruins intone, "Let go."
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