MARK STEYN: 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose,'

The Daily Telegraph ^ | December 14, 2002 | Mark Steyn

[hang 'em]

Hmmm, right you are. But he does have that sort of "I et a baby" look on his face.

[Grig]

The Night Santa Went Crazy ("Weird Al" Yankovic)

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgrunted Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
and helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
and everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead
Some guy from the S.W.A.T. Team blew a hole through his head
Yes, little friend, now, that's his brains on the floor
I guess they won't have the fat guy to kick around anymore
But now there's no more presents for the children's enjoyment
And the elves gotta stand in line and file for unemployment
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain.

[Jacob Kell]

Two birdbrains, one stone, huh?