Posted on 06/12/2006 9:27:43 AM PDT by aculeus
A thread with some great jokes, so get over here and post some puns and ruin it! 8)
Like this one:
The Catholic Church had invited the world's foremost religious leaders to an ecumenical interfaith conference in Rome, but the Pope realized as the Dalai Lama exited his limo that the Swiss Guards had forgotten to line up enough furniture to hold all the hats and coats and capes that ministerial types tend to wear.
However, the Pope couldn't just have a Cardinal run out back and grab an armoire out of the Basilica, he'd be recognized, and the historic furniture of St. Peter's couldn't be moved. Worse, if the lack of preparation got out, it would embarrass the Vatican in front of the attending leaders, not to mention the church in the eyes of the world.
So quietly, Benedict decided to ask some of the lesser-known conference representatives, who had arrived early, to make their way through the throngs of religious Roman laymen gathered for the occasion and see if they could quickly lay hands on the woodwork necessary to hold the myriad accoutrements.
His missive?
"Go forth, among the Papal--Sihk and Druze, shelf-find!"
This joke has a physical element, so when you tell the punch line you need to spread your arms out:
Q: Why did the blonde go to church?
A: Cuz she heard there was guy there hung like this!
Okay, that one got me.
My dear old Pa used to tell that joke. . . . . 60 years ago!! :>)
Ok, here goes the follow up to 238:
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What's happened? Who is this man?" asked the first breatheless monk.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
I guess I'm just insensitive!!!!
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some
tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm
not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?". "Eat 1
sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched
in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding
of what your ass is for.
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a
bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's "willie" is
hanging out of his fly for the entire world to see. He asks the man,
"Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH
GOD....they got my girlfriend, too!!!"
Jesus tells Peter, "You will deny me three times before the cock crows!" and Peter, sung by the truth of the Lord's words as the cock crows, sadly begins to slink away from Golgotha...when he hears across the wind, "Peter...Peter!"
It's the voice of Jesus. Peter turns and runs back up the hill, where a Roman centurion stops him. Disappointed, Peter turns away...when he hears a moaned "Peter...Peter!"
Peter knocks down the centurion and works his way back up the hill, where he runs into a crowd of soldiers now keeping Jesus' disciples from taking him off the cross. There are too many for Peter to simply knock down, so he turns to leave...when again he hears a barely whispered, "Peter...Peter!"
Imbued with new strength, Peter barrels into the soldiers and leaps upon the cross, straining to shake off the Romans and put his head to the lips of Christ, crying "Yes, Lord, I am here!" Jesus looks deeply into Peter's eyes, and just before the Romans manage to drag Peter away, says softly...
You want to spend eternity with Sirloin & me, freepmail for the punch line. 8)
Now they were funny and the humor stood the test of time.
I'll see your Abbott and Costello (whom I love, by the way) and raise you Fred Allen and the Burns and Allen Show "Gracie for President" stunt that lasted for thirteen episodes and an eternity of laughs. (The thing of it is, if she was running now I'd vote for Gracie, who admitted what she was up to---"Everybody knows a woman is better than a man when it comes to introducing bills into the house"---and actually got a few thousand votes in the 1940 election and, anyway, why should her being dead at the present time stop me? If dead people can vote for Democrats, why can't I vote for a dead Surprise Party candidate?)
And I'll see your Edgar Bergen and tuxedoed future box of matches for Easy Aces, Vic and Sade, and Jack Benny's parody of The Whistler, which he called (what a surprise) "The Fiddler." (Though I have to admit I still love the famous Bergen-McCarthy duels with W.C. Fields.)
Oho! He must have stumbled upon the late, great Jane Ace:
Home wasn't built in a day.
Congress is back in season.
You could have knocked me over with a fender.
He had me up at the crank of dawn.
Time wounds all heels.
Now, there's no use crying over spoiled milk.
I'm completely uninhabited.
After all, I am his awfully-wedded wife.
I've always wanted to see my name up in tights.
I look like the wrath of grapes.
I wasn't under the impersonation you meant me.
He shot out of here like a bat out of a belfry.
He has me sitting on pins and cushions waiting.
The coffee will be ready in a jitney.
I'm a member of the weeper sex.
I don't drink, I'm a totalitarian.
Well, you've got to take the bitter with the better.
Come to think of it, her husband, Goodman---who wrote several of her vintage malaprops (for their classic radio show, Easy Aces, though he swore she really did talk that way)---was good for a few million laughs.
Distant relative, in a telegram: Send $10,000 or I'll jump from the fourteenth story of my building!
Goodman Ace, wiring back: Jump from seven. I can only afford $5,000.
I don't want to spend eternity with you, but I do want the punchline!
Here's one in this genre:
An old man collapses on the sidewalk in downtown NYC near a Catholic church. A crowd gathers, a policeman looks at him and says hes dying, does anyone know any prayers while the ambulance comes? Another old codger steps forward and says he's lived behind the church for years. Although he never went to church, he said he heard their litany every Sunday and Wednesday night, and he would repeat it for the dying man. Ok said the cop. Let us pray, said the man:
G-5. B-14. N-18. I-47. O-15......
AIIIGH!
Okay, let me in on this...
Distraught over the deaths, the next day the bishop insisted that the huge bell tower be removed, the belfry stairs boarded up, and the bells melted down into much smaller handbells and even a miniature carillon. After the work was complete, and the first mass called by a score of ringers standing not at the top of a tower, but on solid earth below, a young priest sullenly asked the Bishop, "Father, I much preferred the huge peals of our grand tower. Do you really like the sounds of these pipsqueaks?"
The Bishop replied "Of course! I love my tiny Beltones!"
I had never even HEARD of Bergen-McCarthy duels with Fields...any idea where I might hear them? Just the IDEA makes me smile!
ping
I bow to your Beltones! LOL!
You got it!
"Abbott and Costello , Edgar Bergen Charlie McCarthy skits, Burns and Allen Show , Jack Benny", ..
Oh Yea! Now were talking. I would bet you are member of the Radio Spirits club or one of the other old time radio show clubs. Let add to the kitty- Fibber McGee and Molly, and one of my favories - Duffy's Tavern.
To guys were discussing their wives when one says to the other, "I really like your wife's blonde hair."
The other replies, "She's not a real blonde. She's a suicide blonde."
"Suicide blonde?"
"Yea, dyed by her own hand."
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
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