Parents Going Through Divorce Don't Always See Children's Pain

Cheyenne, Wyoming,Tribune-Eagle ^ | 04-22-03 | Olson, Ilene

[sauropod]

This is a good article. In my own situation, i have tried very hard to ensure as little disruption to my kids' lives as possible. It includes not tearing down the other spouse, not fighting w/ the other spouse in front of the kids, etc.

Life isn't perfect. It's a shame, but sometimes that is the way it is.

[Ag88]

It's a difficult situation, but not impossible. I found extensive reading on the subjects of divorce, children, and blended families helped me and my wife to better understand these issues. If I could only convince my former spouse to read a book, we'd all be on the same page.

[Tennessee_Bob]

I've done the best I can to ensure as little disruption as well. Unfortunately, the ex doesn't see her responsiblities as such. She doesn't tear me down or anthing like that - her crime is one of omission, not commission. She visits with her daughter once a week for an hour and a half to two hours - taking her to the dollar store or some such instead of spending any kind of quality time with her. She calls my daughter only to return phone calls that my daughter has made (never takes the initiative to call on her own). She never asks about picking her up to spend time with her on Saturdays, or any other time.

But hey, that's ok - she has her priorities for herself - she comes first, her social life, her excitement, her fun. Which would explain why her oldest child was pregnant at 15, the next oldest was in trouble with the law, and the third stepchild has been given to her paternal grandparents.

I'm not complaining - my daughter is going to have a chance in this life.

[sauropod]

I'm being fought on visitation. She only wants to ensure so much, no more than that. When I ask for more time, she says it would be "too disruptive" and "not in the childrens' best interest."

Her elevating the kids to the status of demigods (and her mother) etc. etc. was the main reason the marriage fell apart.

[Joe Bfstplk]

This is the misinformation popularly spread that promotes victimhood as a lifestyle. Children are highly adaptable and can easily learn the rules of several households and do quite nicely.

I know of many single-parent homes that are far more functional than those where parents either do not get along, or through ignorance, fail to practice good parenting, which is to have a goal of becoming unnecessary to the children. This is done by conveying responsibility appropriate for the age of the child.

[KantianBurke]

Why is advice offered in this column? If the spouses were to be rational caring individuals they wouldn't have gotten in the divorce situation in the first place. Eh. More reasons not to get married ever.

[KantianBurke]

I nominate ur comments as the most lame, idiotic and unsubstantiated newbie. Go back to DU.

[fml]

If the spouses were to be rational caring individuals they wouldn't have gotten in the divorce situation in the first place.
________________________

Very un-PC, but I agree.

[Always Right]

Nice first post. Sure drug-using disfunctional married families might not be as good as a good, but a good loving two-parent family is way better.

[jimt]

Dill, who has a 6-month-old son, said she is hesitant to enter into a marital relationship.

So now she fosters a fatherless child instead?

Sounds like the child is a live doll for her gratification.

[hopespringseternal]

If the spouses were to be rational caring individuals they wouldn't have gotten in the divorce situation in the first place.

You'd think this would be self-evident. But the "it's all about me!" people invariably believe that the fact that it is a "concern" to them means they care.

[Question_Assumptions]

Unfortunately, almost all of the statistics and studies say that your personal anecdotal experiences are not an accurate representation of what divorce does to children. And bear in mind that being a single mother is the single biggest indicator for poverty.

You may want to take a look at The Marriage Project at Rutgers University. Lots of good information there. You may also want to check out this page about the myths of divorce, from the same people, as well. Pay particular attention to number 6.

What's funny is that I once worked across the hall from David Popenoe and never realized that he held such conservative views on marraige and divorce.

[NativeNewYorker]

Dill, who has a 6-month-old son, said she is hesitant to enter into a marital relationship.

And then the pattern repeats...

[exhaustedmomma]

Good info!!
It isn't divorce that hurts kids, it is the conflict. (Conflict before, during and after the divorce.) So estranged people divorce--- but parenting is a lifetime commitment. Parenting is best viewed in divorce like a business; the business of raising children. Co-parents have a common goal, raising children to become responsible adults. It isn't about who is the best parent, it is about being the best parent you can be. Kids will figure out the rest. Kids shouldn't be denied access to parents or family members as some twisted manipulative agenda. Kids should be allowed to love both parents; they have the right to have a mom and a dad... and not a series of pseudo parental figures. Statistically, divorce rates have increased dramatically over the last 3 decades. With each remarriage, there is a 60% chance of divorce. How many people do you know in long term marriages? Use to be people stayed married for 40, 50, 60 years. Now days, that is considered unrealistic. Culturally, I believe we are paying the price of that moral viewpoint.
Statistically, we use to think most incarcerated people had child abuse in common. Recent studies point to another factor, drop out dads.

[Question_Assumptions]

There is a radio talk show host in New Jersey who is divorced but he spends a great deal of time with his ex-wife and taking care of his kids. The parents need to be willing to cooperatively parent and put their differences aside for their children. This is one of the few scenarios where divorce isn't a problem. That said, if people are selfless enough to put their children first and can treat their ex-spouse civilly and be cooperative, I find it difficult to understand why they are getting a divorce in the first place. They should be able to work it out.

[Question_Assumptions]

How many people do you know in long term marriages? Use to be people stayed married for 40, 50, 60 years.

FYI, I'm in my late 30s and I've been married for 12 years. Many of our close friends, mostly from college, have been married for nearly as long or longer and there isn't a divorce among them, nor any evidence that I can see that there will be. And you'd be hard pressed to find a more diverse group of close friends racially (white, black, asian), ethnically (American, Carribean, European, Asian, African), politically (conservative, liberal, libertarian, indifferent), or religiously (Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Shiite Muslim, pagan, atheist, agnostic). I think it helps that our friendships are often extended to both members of a couple so that one of the partners isn't left out during a get together.

On the flip side, though, jobs that require a lot of travel seem to be poisonous for marriages. They seem to provide too much opportunity for a couple to grow apart.

[BADROTOFINGER]

My bro's wife spent all the money, didnt pay any bills for months, hid it all from my brother who worked from 12-16 hrs./day, and he did it all so that he could buy her a bigger house. She recieved a college grant check for $4000 that she said she would use to pay some of the bills she rang up. She immediately moved out instead.

A couple of weeks ago, she was at my bro's house, and they were kind of chit chatting, the kind of cutesy one upping that they used to do. The youngest daughter was in the room, looking at this with a huge smile on her face, looking at the way it used to be, hoping that it would be that way again. My mother was also in the room and is the only one who noticed the daughter's wide eyed, hopeful bemusement at her parents acting normal again. She told me that she almost broke out sobbing right then and there...JFK

[Theodore R.]

The story about your former sister-in-law is consistent with the statistics that show, what is it?, some 75 percent of divorces are instituted by women. Some of the ladies can't be pleased even after they convince the guy to marry them!

[BADROTOFINGER]

Yeah, she faked a pregnancy to get him to propose (I am pretty sure about this) even! Amazing! She screwed around on him 5 different times. A woman couldnt ask for a better guy than my bro. I feel bad for him, but he will make it. She will be screwed within another year, unless she makes a big custody stink to get more of his money. And that is what it is all about with her too, money...JFK