John Walsh's Wife Files for Divorce

PageSix.com ^ | 2002-08-01 | AP

[andysandmikesmom]

My husband and I lost a child to illness, to leukemia, many years ago....we were in the military at the time, and our child was being treated at a military hospital...his doctors, and care, and all were wonderful....

But my sons oncologist had both me and my husband come into his office to discuss 'things'...what he wanted to discuss with us, was not any particulars about our sons disease, but rather about what he noticed was my husband and myself increasingly becoming further and further apart, as our sons disease progressed....

He told us that divorce statistically is higher when one of a married couple is in the military, due to many factors, like low pay, frequent moves, lots of time without the service member at home, etc. etc. etc...

He then went on to tell us that couples who have a child with a devastating disease or physical impairment, also have much high rates of divorces, and should the child die, the rates of divorce soar...he just wanted us to be aware of this, and that we needed to take care, that besides caring for our sick child, we also needed to care for our marriage...

It really was a wake up call to both of us, and we realized that because we were each dealing with our sadness and grief at our sons diagnosis and prognosis, in different ways which were pulling us apart, we took more care to take care of our marriage...

Our son did die after 15months illness...it was horrible, and horrendous, and almost paralyzing....and we still had another child to care for...

The Medical Center that my son was in, was the local Medical Center for all kids in the western states areas, who had cancer, as the army at that time had only five pediatric oncologists, and if you were not already stationed at the base where one of these oncologists were at, they flew you there to that particular medical center...

So I got to see many, many children with cancer, and life threatening problems at this Medical Center...I have to say, almost all those children had parents who were divorced...there were a few couples who were still together, but by and large most of the couples were either divorced or at least separated...

I think that the emotional strain, the financial strain, the guilt, and many other factors, that enter into a couples life, when their child is terminally or seriously ill, and especialy should the child die...well often these things take their toll, and the couple just cannot cope with each other any more...

My husband and I are still married, going onto 32 years in Oct...but believe me, it was not easy, to get through all the grief and hurt and emotional drain and strain, that losing a child brings...and still retain a healthy marriage...and have enough left over to properly care for the other children...

Just my own personal experience, but I believe its a clear reflection of what often happens to couples who lose a child...

[Chemnitz]

My wife and I lost two daughters over a 14 year period - to neurological degeneration. We did not divorce but it was very difficult at times. We wrote a book about our experiences, "Angel Joy." One daughter's nickname was Angel. The baby of the family was called Joy by her nurses because of her happiness.

It is very draining in every way possible. But we have had a happy life in spite of those losses. In fact, we often smile, laugh, and talk about our girls. We have a healthy adult son. He has two daughters. They are a great blessing to us.

[sinkspur]

Thanks for your heartfelt reflections and story.

Married couples who do what it takes to stay together are heroes to me.

We've been together 26 years,and our life's been a cakewalk compared to yours.

[andysandmikesmom]

Yes, you are right, remembering our children who have died, does indeed bring great joy to their parents...

My husband and I and our other son, who is also an adult now, often talk about our son who died, and we smile, and laugh when we talk about him...

And yes, losing ones child is draining in every way possible...its an experience I would never wish anyone else to ever have, as its just the worst thing possible...to bury ones child....

My son has not as yet married, so we have no gandchildren, but the hope is there, that someday we will...but our adult son, does indeed bring us great joy and is a true blessing to us as well...

[andysandmikesmom]

Thanks for your kind comments...

[Beeline40@aol.com]

We lost a son to leukemia. over 80% of marriages break up after a loss of a child. I cannot tell you the source of this number, but during counseling that we went to, we were told this. I for one believe it out of the numbers of couples I know who had children die, over half of them are now divorced. We are still together.

[Beeline40@aol.com]

I truly understand, we lost our son to leukemia 10 years ago, we are still together, 18 years, but it has not been easy, we still feel the lost terribly. I think part of the reason why this happens is because one or both couples tend to shut down emotionally. I know I did, I am still fighting for my intimacy with my husband. I want to be close again. I am so afraid of that pain I may feel again if something happens to him.

[Libertina]

Thank you for sharing the stories of the tragedies you faced but overcame, and for the ways in which you dealt with the pain. What a wonderful doctor you had, A&MM. Without his wakeup call you might have not realized how far apart you wee drifting until it became too late. Anyway, your personal insights are appreciated. I'm happy to hear you have grown sons and good luck with the grandchildren :)

[andysandmikesmom]

That leukemia is just so awful, and tho there have been advancements made, still so many children still die for this awful disease...

I think that shutting down emotionally is just one way of allowing us to keep within ourselves, not become intimate and love again, because we just dont want to get hurt again, or feel such very terrible real pain again....I understand completely...

My son died 17yrs ago, 17yrs this August...so the anniversary date of his death is approaching...and its always a bad day for us here...but we try to turn it into a good day, by remembering the happy times...sometimes that works, sometimes it doesnt...

My best to you, and know that I feel so badly for you, as you try to deal with this horrendous part of your life...I will pray for you, as I pray for myself...take care...

[andysandmikesmom]

Thank you also for your kind words...

Yes, my sons doctor was a blessed man...not only did he treat these very ill children, he took care of the whole family....

And he took all their deaths so very hard...it was the sickest kids he became the closest to, because they were the ones in the hospital most often....the ones who did well, did not see the doctor as often...but the sickest ones, became the docs favorites, because he saw them so very much, and he realized how little life most of them had left to live...

I talked to this doctors wife on occasions, and she told me, that when one of his 'kids' died, he just took it so very badly....sometimes he barely could speak to his own family for days or weeks, because he was so upset at losing another child...but sadly, there were always other children to come along, sick cancer ridden children, and he had to channel his energies into trying to cure them, not let himself dwell on those he had lost....

Cancer in children is a terrible killer, and is still very active and rampant...

[Libertina]

Gosh, what a compassionate, caring man he was. When I think of doctors, that is my image of them. And I'm glad to hear some are still that way. All though it must have been difficult for him to be so contantly confronted by his patient's deaths. You were blessed to have been under his care.

[Mad-Margaret]

You beat me to it. I also thought that it was amazing that they remained married considering that she was running around on him when their child met that awful fate.

[Amore]

Well, it's not like all the bad conduct was on one side. I remember when it happened, I knew someone who had ties to the investigation, and it was because of what they learned about both parties' conduct that police for a long time thought there was possible family involvement in Adam's death.

I'm now a big John Walsh fan for all the good he's done with AMW, but I looked askance at him for quite a while. Though I'm a fan now, I'm well aware he's human and not anywhere near perfect.