Posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat
To prove to the raccoon and the armadillo that it could be done.
No woman I have ever met thinks its funny, but guys like it.
Regards,
What do you call a Taliban soldier wearing a heroism medal.. a thief!
You know the life guard was off duty in that gene pool!
I took an IQ test, and it came back negative!
Clinton and Pope John Paul II die on the same day and through an administrative screw up the Pope winds up at the gates of hell. Satan recognizes the Pope and asks what he did to deserver eternal damnation. The Pope allows that he doesn't really know, so Satan goes and checks. He comes back a few minutes later, all apologetic, and explains the mix up. "I'll fix it," Satan says, "But it will take about a day for the paper work to go through." "No problem," replies the Pope. So he spends his day ministering to the tormented souls of hell.
The next morning Satan takes the Pope to a long escalator, shakes his hand, wishes him well, and sends him up. Hald way up to heaven he meets Clinton on his way down. They stop and chat for a moment. Clinton assures the Pope that Heaven IS all it's cracked up to be and asks the Pope what he is most looking forward to. "Well," says the Pope, "In Poland we have a deep spiritual attachment to Mother Mary. I suppose that the one thing I'm most looking forward to is to be able to convers with the Blessed Virgin herself."
Clinton smiles, turns to go and says, "You're a day late."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch!
Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great.
He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says,
"You know, you f***ers are alright."
The question is moot. As part of his campaign to fight high energy costs, Greyout Davis signed the Sheeple Protection Act of 2001, which bans light bulbs.
The correct answer is: NONE. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
What do you call a blonde in a motorcycle jacket? A rebel without a clue.
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LoanPalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
"But doctor, I can't afford $5,000 for an operation? What can I do?"
"Well, for $20 I can touch up your x-rays."
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Chit, what the he!! is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting Chit-faced.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb sow is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pizzes me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !
CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sow Sally. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like chit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh S**t! Am I driving?"
Pope: Hey Cardinal, what's a four-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT?
Cardinal: Umm... AUNT.
Pope: Oh, OK. Got an eraser?
The bartender says to the Penguin: "I don't know. [pause, as he looks around the room]. What does he look like?"
A penguine is driving through the countryside when he develops car trouble. He makes it to the next small town and sputters into the service station. He explains the problem and the mechanic says he'll look at it and suggests that the penguin come back in half an hour.
The penguin wanders around town and, since it is a hot day, pops into an ice cream shop and has a cone. When he gets back to the garage the mechanic has the hood up and is completing his inspection.
The mechanic said, "You blew a seal."
"No," said the penguin wiping his face, "It's only ice cream."
I'm 35 now and at the age 24 I lost half of my leg and had the hip messed so badly they could do any thing for it. Spent 7 years in very serve pain, but I thought suregy wasn't the answer until a friend of mine who stepped on a landmine during Korea spent twenty years in pain then finally had his leg amputated, he wished he did it earlier too. I'm so glad for the surgey for I feel much better and not in pain anymore.
The therapy might pain in the terms of inconvence but in the long run it is worth it. I'm hope i'm not bringing you down too much, just giving some prespective here.
I hope thing work out with mother, Happy Holidays :)
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