New Christian Take on the Old Dating Ritual

From the original article:

Although a formal betrothal like Casey and Kara's is rare — even in conservative Christian circles some would consider their union extreme because of her youth — many people are promoting a similar hand-before-heart approach they call courtship.

So, the age of the girl (14) and the six year age difference between her and the young man in question is a problem for many Christians, even conservative Christians, and it would be for me as a parent.
14 is simply too young for this kind of commitment, even with no sexual contact.
The girl may very well attempt to renege on this agreement/commitment when she's 18 or sometime before the scheduled marriage, which would not be surprising. Considering her tender age when she made the commitment, she should be allowed to cancel it at a more mature age. That's the folly of making a 'lifetime' commitment at 14, and the parents should not have let it go that far, this early. Still, the overall concept, if understood and agreed to by all parties and the young people are of a reasonable age (16 minimum and no 'lifetime commitments' before 18) is not a bad one.

If I told my mom and dad I'd met the "one" at age 16, my father would have had a heart attack. And then he would have chased the scoundrel away.

Handholding is not avoided because it's a sexual thing, but because it's a possessive act. An arm on a shoulder or holding hands communicates ownership and dominance.

I can't tell you what a strange notion I think this is. Holding hands usually reflects tenderness and some degree of emotional intimacy. It is not a sexual act.

Read what I wrote again. I specifically said it's NOT a sexual thing. Re-read it more carefully.

Yes, my daughter is only 12 now, but if in 2 years some 20 year old guy is trying to hold her hand, I'll have my gun out and shoot him.

Well, that certainly is some top notch chest thumping, however, you WILL go to prison and odds are, loose your family.

I wouldn't vote to convict him.

As a young man (21 years old), I'm so used to the current state of affairs in the relations between the two sexes, that I don't have much of an idea on what goes into a traditional courtship. I'm definitely not in favor of the idea of betrothal, especially between a 20 year old and a young teenager. I have a very romanticized idea about courtship, but to the more seasoned members of FR, I was wondering how your courtships or dating went. I want to find out if this extended deep friendship I have with this young woman is a sort of a courtship. The only physical contact we have ever had in the 3 years we've known each other is a hug. I am very attracted to her. Not only is she very beautiful, but I love her personality. We have a similiar outlook on life, similiar interests, and we get along really well. We just don't hang out as often as we would like to, because of our college schedules. I'm going through a period of self-examination at the moment, and I'm questioning whether or not I should continue on this course, or just be her friend and forget about a deeper relationship with her. Post here, or e-mail me if you like.

He is now a 26-year-old man, married 4.5 years, with 2.3 children.

How does that work?

The .3 is because one's on the way. Last time I saw his wife alone for a few minutes I asked her, "Is there something you are trying not to tell me?" She answered, "there is something my husband is trying not to tell you later tonight." It is so easy to tell on skinny women. :)

Yes, my daughter is only 12 now, but if in 2 years some 20 year old guy is trying to hold her hand, I'll have my gun out and shoot him.

Well, that certainly is some top notch chest thumping, however, you WILL go to prison and odds are, loose your family.

"I wouldn't vote to convict him."

So.. You believe execution-style murder is the correct punishment for hand holding?

No wonder the robo-cops are getting away with blatant violations of our Constitution.

Uhh, In case you have forgotten, it IS a Bill of Rights, NOT a Bill of Privileges to be condoned when others agree with your beliefs of morality. Holding hands is a far cry from the bs that is currently enforced as FEDERAL LAW. Save your ammo for the correct target folks.

So.. You believe execution-style murder is the correct punishment for hand holding?

I read his "shoot him" comment in this context (a 20 year old wanting to "do" a 14 year old, even if they plan to wait) as a threat to shoot if older guys start expressing inappropriate sexual interest in his underage daughter.

Now if this same article had the word "Mormon" attatched to it, would everyone be so supportive? How about if it wasn't a religious thing at all?

I'm Mormon, and I don't support it. We are stongly urged not to date in couples until the age of 16, at 14 we can start doing activities in groups. The young men are urged to wait to marry until after they have served their missions. And since we don't believe in premarital sex, the engagement is usually 3 to 6 months long. But not to date? My parents always said that you marry who you date. Dating naturally turns into courtship if there is interest on both side. I don't agree with this article.

I don't really understand the idea of long-term dating with no interest in marriage, either. A lot of very happily married people I know say two things: 1) they knew very quickly whether the person in question was the "right one" , and 2) they felt, and still feel, as if they could spend an unlimited amount of time with the person.

Both of these statements applied to my late wife. I got engaged to her four months to the day after we first met in person, and we were married on the first Sunday over four months after that.

Now if this same article had the word "Mormon" attatched to it, would everyone be so supportive? How about if it wasn't a religious thing at all?

Not certain what that is supposed to mean, but as another person who was raised in the LDS church, I can assure that if I had gone to my parents at the tender age of 14, when my biggest concern in life was my crush on Mike McBride, and told them that God had told me that I was going to marry the said Mike McBride, they would have sat me down, asked me why I felt this way, discussed it with me, and then explained that at fourteen, I've still got a lot of living ahead of me, and that it's probably a little early to make decisions that are going to affect the rest of my life so much. (And then they would have gone to their room and laughed their heads off.)

Ten years later, at 24, I have no interest in the boys of my youth. I've discovered that I want different things in life than I previously thought. If you had asked a romantically inclined, slightly lonely fourteen year old if she wanted to spend the rest of her life with a handsome intelligent young man, and become betrothed right then and there, and then experience a strictly monitored courtship--I might have said yes. Now, this idea seems rather repulsive to me, and I can say that I'm glad my parents and the church I was raised in would never have countenanced such an absurdity.

As Utah Girl has pointed out, the Mormon church encourages its youth to date after their sixteenth birthdays. (At first in groups, and a few years later, more paired off.) The idea behind this is that you experience a wide range of personalities and get more of an idea about what traits your ideal partner should have.

I guess this is turning into more of a testament about being lucky to have the parents I do. They raised me to trust my own instincts and to do what I think best and to experience as much of life as possible before making any judgements that will tie me down. I'm no longer LDS and I've chosen to live with my partner before getting married; my sister chose to wait until her marriage after following the dating pattern I described above (ie a lot of dating after 16 and then exclusively dating her husband for a year and a half--she was 22 when she got married). They've got two daughters who approached their relationships with experience, and did things the way they thought was best. Not two girls who grew up helplessly sheltered and asked their opinion on who to marry and how to court.

I'm done rambling now. (Sorry this is so much later. Just found the article, had to comment.)

I have to agree with Pfish on this. At the age of 14 I couldn't trust myself to decide what kind of life I wanted to lead much less what kind of person I wanted to spend it with. I'm glad I didn't get married until my late twenties, and I'm glad my wife and I lived together for over a year before tying the knot. She and I got to know each other and determined that we could spend the rest of our lives together based on actual experience rather than fanciful ideals. So far the 9 years we've had together have been fantastic. I'm sincerely looking forward to the next sixty or more.

If I had married the girl I was interested in when I was 14... I can't even begin to describe how horrific my life would be. Not having any life experience to draw upon my criteria for an ideal mate were shallow and uninformed, to say the least.