Posted on 08/13/2010 1:28:11 PM PDT by woofie
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I do think at some point it becomes inaccurate to attribute actions to “grief.” As I thought about it more, I realized that what I mean, and what I was asking you about, is not just grief, but “HEALTHY grief.”
IOW, at some point grieving can transition from what it’s supposed to be — a natural healing/cleansing/renewal so one can go on process — to an empty vessel that, healthy grief having long been poured out long ago, becomes filled with things that really are not connected to grieving — certain types of anger and so on.
I have had several things in life I’ve had to grieve. I have been faced with recognizing that, deep down, I had accepted the loss and moved on and, therefore, it was not appropriate to continue to “tell myself” that my emotional responses were connected to my grief of losing a loved one. I was lucky enough to realize (with some help) that what was really going on was I resented some things that came about because of my loved one’s death. I do NOT want to be a resentful person, so this helped me immediately start dealing with getting that poison out of my life.
Had I continued to think my emotional upset was a continuation of my healthy grief, I might not have seen my way clear to resolving the true problem.
Knowing the awards system, there is so much process that goes into deciding awards and writing the citation — and none of it involves the guy at the top who signs (or autopens) the thing.
I guess one might argue that a GEN would be, or should be, more inclined to take a personal interest in a “high-profile case” — but to be honest, I could see how Tillman just didn’t appear all that “high-profile” to the system at the time. Sure, he had this nice backstory with the NFL and all, but I’m not certain that was enough to get someone to pull his file and say “we need to treat this with kid gloves.” They didn’t know he had family from hell. And, at this point in his service, I’m sure Tillman was “just” a soldier, not at all a celebrity, to the men with whom he served.
If anything, I found that the Army, especially in combat matters, could be woefully unaware of potential PR aspects of a situation.
The cause-of-death investigation and so on is done at the unit level. The immediate commander recommends the award — often these are based on standard criteria, not necessarily tailored to the soldier’s particular situation (exceptions for the MOH and similar). What I’ve seen is a stack of awards are put on the big Cdr’s desk and he flips through and signs them. He assumes all the work that went into justifying and drafting the award is dependable. That’s what his staff and the awards board and unit investigations are for!
All that is to say that for a GEN to be found to have intentionally covered up a soldier’s cause of death, there would have to be way more evidence than that maybe someone at the unit level made a bad call (say, between attributing death to enemy action as opposed to friendly fire) and the GEN didn’t question the unit’s findings, the award board’s recommendations, or the citation drafted by the KIA soldier’s unit commander.
This is process is hard to explain to the public. They think okay, the cause of death ended up being more likely friendly fire than enemy action, GEN Mc “should” have known that (either before or after than conclusion was actually reached), therefore GEN Mc “intentionally covered up” the true cause-of-death.
All I am saying is, from my own personal military experience, I am very confident that if there was sufficient evidence that a GO participated in a cover-up of anything, heads would roll.
But the reality is that the big guy’s role in the awards process — unless the soldier being awarded is directly on his staff and he directly participates in writing the citation — is usually not deep enough for him to be personally accountable. By that I mean, if the CDR is just doing the usual thing of signing the citations put in front of him, it would be very difficult to find that he personally was malicious and intentional in the result.
I’m no defender of GEN Mc, either.
wow..you could write a book on grief.
I have just had a loss, my pupster of 15 yrs:
I posted a thread as a tribute...
www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/2566350/posts
( you can also get the link by search on Freep with “Lola canine” in the search box)
For the past week I have read just about every grief book there is ( ha..I go to my head ). You are very accurate. Healthy grief at some point “accepts” the death and realizes no matter the way the person ( including furry persons) died, who was ‘at fault” and the aftermath events...The loved one is now gone. Transcending /transforming the grief keeps the loved one connected and is somehow able to let go of all the other stuff, albeit it may surface or trigger from time to time.
Anger turned to bitterness is understandable in the pain of grief but is so tragic, because there is no meaning left for the loss except the rage and hurt. And just as bad, the anger destroys what is left of the grieving person and transforms them into a bitter person. I have learned through many experiences, sometimes there is no forgiveness, but I always have the choice to “let go” and go on with my life.
I feel very sorry for the Tillman family, and maybe that is why I reacted the way I did.
I think its shameful what the family has done. The desire for truth is one thing. The desire to continually seek attention and reopen wounds is another.
I saw some special where the theory was indeed that Pat was murdered because he became very vocal about the war being a lie. His fellow soldiers murdered him to keep him quiet.
And the Easter bunny shows up every f’n year.
good post
I think your post hit the nail on the head, and points to the reason some of us are rubbed entirely the wrong way by what the Tillman family is doing.
Basically, after reading your post, I realized the best way to articulate the problem here is that the Tillman family is EXPLOITING Pat's death for POLITICAL purposes.
Whatever form such exploitation takes, it is despicable. Whether it's Klintoon turning on the tears when the camera catches him at Ron Brown's funeral or the yammerers at Wellstone's funeral, it is despicable. This is no exception, really.
You wrote:
Transcending /transforming the grief keeps the loved one connected and is somehow able to let go of all the other stuff, albeit it may surface or trigger from time to time.
Well said! Yes, this is the wonderful secret of allowing yourself to accept that your healthy grieving has come to an end. At this point, all the emotional tumult, resentment, anger and so on begins to recede, and you once again can become more connected with your loved one. This is when the good memories start to flow back in and predominate over the bad. This is when the thought of the loved one can bring joy and satisfaction rather than pain.
I think this is really what is meant by the old saying that "time HEALS all wounds." (If we let it.)
Is there really a substantial difference between the stand of the Tillman family and Cindy Sheehan, other than less flamboyance?
That’ how ridiculous this has become. Problem is, it seems his family and liberals are buying it.
Nope.
P.S. Maybe one difference is that the Tillman’s son very publicly expressed a desire to serve in such a way as to be a role model. IOW, he made his service somewhat “public” before it happened. The very thing he set out to accomplish is what his family is taking away from him.
As I remember the Sheehan son served honorably, and was dishonored by his mother, at least. Both he and Tillman deserved better from their families.
Oh, I didn’t mean to suggest I don’t think that as well. I agree with you every bit. My point was that Pat Tillman made HIMSELF and his service “public,” whereas Sheehan’s son did his duty quietly and without fanfare. Both families are exploiting their son’s service, but the Tillman family is also exploiting their son’s celebrity.
Tillman had a really big ego. I think the cover-up of the circumstances surrounding his death were intended to portray him as a hero.
It would not surprise me at all if the truth about his death included some stupid actions taken by Tillman and maybe he was partly to blame for his death.
Some special???
Can you be more specific? Or provide a link?
I *think* it was on HBO. Not 100% sure. Only watched for a few minutes. It may have been Real Sports. I dunno.
I am not surprised about the anti war wing nuts on the left. However, it is unfortunate that his family is still bitter. Often, the grieving process [and its stages of manifestation] can last along time. Sad.
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