Break for LUNCH!!!!!
I thought “chili” originated with the Aztecs where they stewed limbs from human sacrifices (the captor was entitled to one limb from his sacrifice) with chili peppers and tomatoes.
BTTT for later
Isn't that cute. They are WRONG!
Chili Ping ta y’all..
For all you chili fans, try using ground venison.
Good stuff.
Hey big H. How is it going?
Since no one else has posted this yet, I will.
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Too much bean flavor.
JUDGE TWO: A heavy bean flavored chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: —————————
Here is a good, basic recipe for chili that won’t hurt the kids, has lots of flavor, prepares quickly and will please most non-Hindu guests.
To start with, thin slice, don’t chop, a white onion or two. The “strings” of onion add much to the texture of the chili. Then in a large pot, halfway brown the sliced onion with a tsp of chopped garlic in olive oil over medium high heat. It takes a while to half-brown onion, but it’s important to break up its “pasty” flavor with partial caramelization. Then scoop out the onions and set them aside.
Next, brown a pound of 80% ground beef in the same pot. That 20% of beef tallow gives a good flavor to the meat, which should be browned medium, not under or overcooked. Then drain off the tallow, and replace with two tablespoons or so bacon grease. Return the onions and garlic to the pot with the hamburger.
Then add three cans of beans, which can be all pinto, or two pinto and one black beans, or one pinto, one black, and one northern white beans.
Then add a can of chopped tomatoes. Some of these already have garlic, cilantro, and green pepper in them, which are nice variations.
If you like, you can also throw in a small can of either or both chopped and roasted green and jalapeno pepper, which some like and some don’t. New Mexico cuisine is heavily green pepper oriented. Sonoran Mexican uses just a little.
Then a heaping tablespoon of chili powder for the pot. More can be added to a bowl for individual taste, but one heaping tbsp is a good base level. The chili can simmer, covered, for an hour or more on low heat.
As side dishes that are easy and impress, make cheese crisps that are just large flower tortillas with shredded Colby cheddar on them, broiled for a minute just until cheese starts to brown, then pizza cut, with salsa on the side.
The more American version with chili is corn bread, which should be distinguished from sweet corn cake, often sold as corn bread.
Masters only changes to the chili recipe include using slow cooked Mexican style shredded burro beef. (This is normally only done when you have other dishes that need shredded beef. No, it is not made of burro meat.)
Yes, sensitive guests should take Beano with their chili.
Beer is good, Tecate beer is better, but a shot of Añejo (100% agave only, please!) tequila after dinner makes the chili memorable.
Note:
Leave the beans as a side dish if you desire beans. Real chilli does not have beans.
The best "Mexican" food available to the public is still to be found in small town New Mexico. The best "Mexican" food of all is found during ceremonial observances among the Rio Grande pueblos where attendance by outsiders is by invitation only. The best I've ever had was at the Shalako in Zuni Pueblo. The best restaurant chili was in Gallup or in Chama, New Mexico.
Chili is the healthiest food you can eat. It will not only keep one healthy, it will cure anything that ails you.