In Defense of Teasing

The NY Times ^ | December 5, 2008 | DACHER KELTNER

[forkinsocket]

.

[scottinoc]

Don’t tease me, bro!

[yefragetuwrabrumuy]

I had heard the theory that for some physically oriented people, teasing and physical contact are a form of communication. Unfortunately for them, our society frowns on this, which isolates them as if they were deaf.

After pondering this theory for a while, a friend confessed that a friend of his was quite the pest. Always punching, tickling, pushing, pulling.

I suggested that he try responding in kind. The results were extraordinary. The physical guy suddenly reacted to my friend as if he was the only other English speaker in a very foreign land. Like he was the first person he had talked to in months, who had understood what he was saying.

[brytlea]

There is teasing and then there is TEASING. Unfortunately it’s difficult to write rules that make a distinction because teasing that doesn’t bother one kid will seem like harassment to another.

[DJ MacWoW]

Teasing is gentle fun. Taunting is over the line.

[Arthur McGowan]

There’s this kind of teasing, which is mutual and playful. And then there’s the kind that is relentless, endless, vicious abuse of one designated “goat” in a class that can leave a child crippled and struggling for the rest of his life.

School, on the whole, is evil.

[OneWingedShark]

Very interesting story; if your friend should write about it I think it would be a good, and insightful read.

[OneWingedShark]

>School, on the whole, is evil.

I think I agree, and I’ve only been to college.
Someone once said that school is the prison for those who have committed the crime of being born; Albert Einstein is also purported to have commented on the subject with: “It is a wonder that curiosity survives formal education”

[brytlea]

I think often, kids don’t know the difference and it probably depends on what kind of teasing goes on in their homes.

[brytlea]

Inanimate objects are not evil. You mean teachers are evil, or students are evil, or something.

[DJ MacWoW]

I agree. I have heard parents in public taunt and humiliate their kids. Sad.

And how many kids would even know what the word "taunt" means let alone that difference. Teasing has gotten a bad rap. It is the educators fault for not defining the difference.

[brytlea]

When I was teaching I stopped whatever seemed mean spirited. Unfortunately these days, if you don’t stop something (as a teacher) you may get in trouble with parents. It may seem pretty tame, but without knowing what’s behind what’s being said, it’s difficult to discern if it’s taunting or teasing. And often, I’d find the kids being teased would say it didn’t bother them, even when it clearly did.
As a teacher, darned if you do and darned if you don’t. So I erred on the side of stopping it.

[DJ MacWoW]

So I erred on the side of stopping it.

There really wasn't a choice. Parents are over the top now. Some kids are raised to be whiners and their parents whine louder.

My M-i-L was a teacher back in the old days. One day one of the kids was using something to reflect the sun in her eyes. She said "Whoever is doing that, stop". They did it again and she saw who it was. A football player. She called him by name to stop using his suspenders to flash off the sun. He did it again. Now this Lady had polio at the age of 5 and had an atrophied arm and leg. The class watched with interest as she stood up, walked over to him and slugged him, knocking him out of his seat. No one said anything. He sat back down and never gave her trouble again.

[brytlea]

Nowadays, the teacher would be in jail for assault.
I’m mean enough I didn’t have much trouble with the boys, even the big ones. Girls were harder to deal with.

[DJ MacWoW]

Nowadays, the teacher would be in jail for assault.

Yup. The 50's were different. And she was considered disabled. The kid must have been shocked. lol

Girls are difficult.

[fr_freak]

School, on the whole, is evil.

It is not school, per se, that is evil. Kids do need a disciplined, structured way to learn. It is the anonymous warehouse form of school that we have nowadays that is inherently evil. Gone are the days of the one room school house where everyone's family knew everyone else's family. Instead, we have these huge pseudo-penal institutions where the kids are all thrust together, largely without any adult supervision beyond a couple of watchful eyes to make sure that Mommy and Daddy's little precious isn't shanking someone in the schoolyard. These kids are isolated from adult influence day in and day out and so end up creating their own Lord-of-the-Flies types of sub-societies. Then we get surprised when there are gangs, rampant sexual promiscuity, and all-around unpleasantness, sometimes to the point where kids are made anti-social for life?

[brytlea]

It’s really not as bad (at least in many places) as you paint. On the other hand, I don’t believe human children were designed to spend a great deal of time in the company of large groups of same aged kids. I think the one room school house design would be great, however it would be much more expensive than what we have today.

[fr_freak]

It’s really not as bad (at least in many places) as you paint.

Well, I haven't been to every school in every state in the union, so I can't state definitively on every school (and neither can you), but my family moved around a lot when I was a kid, so I went to 2 junior high schools and 4 high schools in three different states at the extreme ends of the country, and I can tell you that the overall system is the same wherever you go.

The only appreciable difference I could see in any of the places was in the level of parental involvement and inclusion in the kids' lives. Those kids who were actually part of their family, rather than simply wards of two or less absentee parents, were less likely to be so immersed in the mind-boggling world of MTV kid culture. People in rural or farm country, for instance, tended to be more connected to their families and communities than kids in suburbs or cities, presumably because the rural kids often worked with their parents at some point, such as milking the cows, harvesting the crops, or whatever. The kids there actually felt like they were part of the overall community because they participated in it, rather than being permanently at the kids' table. The rest cared less about what their parents and family thought than what some punks at school might think. That's a recipe for social disaster.

[brytlea]

Well, I haven't been to every school in every state in the union, so I can't state definitively on every school (and neither can you), but my family moved around a lot when I was a kid, so I went to 2 junior high schools and 4 high schools in three different states at the extreme ends of the country, and I can tell you that the overall system is the same wherever you go.

Of course, I never stated or insinuated I have been to every school, so I'm not sure why you even bring that up. BTW I apparently went to many more schools than you did, just for the record. I went to 8 elementary schools, 1 jr. high, 1 freshmen school (those were both in the same town) and 4 high schools. Believe me, I've seen it all.

[brytlea]

Oh, I forgot to give state counts—actually I went to school in 2 foreign countries (altho they were base schools, so they were American schools), and in MA, GA, NM (three different places) and TX (two different places).