[WireAndWood]

I appreciate any posting of Steyn's work and the ping.

However, this particular piece is uncharacteristically lightweight and obtuse - quite disappointing.

I hope Mark gets back to his real work and true calling very soon.

[King Prout]

Mr. Steyn,
Two words for ya:
Hooters Air.

[B4Ranch]

Steyn needs to fly 1st Class more often.

[Turbopilot]

Sigh. I like Steyn, but these anti-airline rants drive me nuts. First: airline tickets are vastly cheaper than they were in the regulated "good old days" and many costs (fuel, labor, technology) have gone up. The ticket price now covers the bare minimum cost of the gas, crew, and maintenance needed to get your butt from Point A to Point B, and sometimes not even that. Yet people still expect more leg room, free drinks, and all the luxuries of a fine restaurant. If you want to pay Greyhound prices, you will receive Greyhound service. If you understand economics and want to pay for a high level of service, it is still available in your choice of business/first class or a private charter. It is also apparently available through Middle Eastern government-run monopoly airlines, who I can guarantee charged Mr. Steyn much more for a given flight than he could have paid in the U.S.

Second: it doesn't get much more classless than complaining about the physical attributes of flight attendants. They're not bloody cocktail waitresses in a strip club; they are on the plane primarily to handle emergencies and save your life if there's a problem. Their recurrent training every year doesn't involve makeup tips, it involves the best way to get 250 people out of 6 doors in 90 seconds during a fire. Intelligent people might rather have experienced and intelligent flight attendants than some doll three days out of training; I notice no one ever complains that a pilot with 30 years of experience is too old and ugly to do his job. Now, the flight attendants do have a secondary function of providing whatever level of service the airline can afford on your Greyhound-priced ticket, and they will be happy to do so if you are reasonable and polite. If not, I don't feel particularly sorry if it takes you a while to get your pretzels.

Which brings me to, Third: the reason flight crews feel more unhappy about going to work is largely that too many people, quite frankly, are boors. People who probably would be quite well-behaved at a restaurant somehow completely forget how to be polite human beings at an airport or on an airplane. The following are a few rules that, if applied consistently and universally, would be guaranteed to raise everyone's level of satisfaction with airline travel:

1. A tank top and cutoff jeans might be okay for mowing the lawn, but they are not okay for airline travel. You don't need to wear a suit and tie these days, but you do need to shower, brush your teeth, and put on something you'd otherwise be seen in public in. If you can't afford a collared shirt and a pair of slacks, you didn't need to spend any money at Travelocity.

2. If you want someone's attention, say "Excuse me". When you ask for something, say "Please". When you get it, say "Thank you". Say these things politely. Do not say them sarcastically.

3. Do not yell at a ticket agent or flight attendant. Do not threaten one. No, they don't know who you are and how many billions of frequent flyer miles you have, and they don't care. You may be their customer, but you are not their boss, and the ruder you act to them the less likely you are to get what you want. Despite what you may think, they do not control the weather, air traffic control, aircraft maintenance, or late arrivals. In fact, there is virtually no cause of a delay or cancellation over which they have any control whatsoever. They will do their best to help you get where you want to go as soon as it is possible to do so and the experience will be much easier and quicker if you are polite and calm. If that doesn't matter to you, perhaps you could consider how much of a stupid ass people think you are when you're yelling and fuming at the gate agent about your delay while a thunderstorm rages outside.

4. If you are rude to someone, you deserve not to get what you want. In reality, you'll get it if it's possible and you won't if it's not, but in the meantime you'll have wasted your time, the employee's time, and the time of others waiting behind you. You also may have made the employee just a little less pleasant from having to put up with you. You should have learned in kindergarten that rudeness is not acceptable. If you did not, please go back for a refresher.

5. There is virtually nothing at an airport or on an airplane that can be helped by you getting mad. Even if there were, its cause is virtually guaranteed not to be the employee in front of you. I doubt a flight attendant or gate agent has ever caused a flight delay, cancellation, lost bag, missed connection, or an insufficient supply of Diet Sprite. If they can help you, they gladly will if it's possible. If not, and you feel you just must vent to someone, write a letter to the airline's customer service department.

6. Don't waste any time that you don't have to. Don't check any bags unless you absolutely must (and you can spend a week in Europe just fine with only a check-on, so carefully consider "must"). Have all your metal stuff in your bag before you go up to security. Don't have any banned items. Don't wear any clothes, belts, or shoes that set off the metal detectors. Take advantage of e-tickets and e-check-in. You'll find that you can get from the curb to your gate in about 20 minutes without really having to talk to a single person, and once off the plane you'll be out of the terminal in five minutes.

Geez, that rant ended up being longer than the original article! Maybe I should submit it for publication :-p But I guarantee every word of it is true. Happy flying!

[Squawk 8888]

I've noticed that in North America the discount carriers are the way to go now. Before they tanked, jetsgo had good service in-flight (it was their service on the ground that sucked) and their hosties were babes.

[Squawk 8888]

I would suggest that if Mr. Steyn wants a hottie to pour his drinks he should try the deep-discount sardine carriers such as Transat or Skyservice. All of their attendants are in their twenties because it's their first job and they are biding their time until they have enough experience for a shot at something approximating a living wage. Sure they're probably crabby because they're overworked, underpaid and ill-appreciated but he'll have some eye candy to look at while he's sitting on the tarmac in a third-world country because the carrier has no extra planes and they're waiting for the spare parts to come in from the Airbus plant. /rant

[Ghost of Philip Marlowe]

A funny bumper sticker I've seen:

Flight Attendants: We're here to save your a**, not serve it.

Right. I'll be the one carrying you out of the debris on my back, IF we're both alive, you nasty thing.

[Chuckster]

One of the reasons I got a PP ASEL ticket: so I only have to fly comercial three or four times a year instead of twice a week.

[goldstategop]

Hooters Air is the exception that proves the rule to airlines having boring stewardesses. You get to see them exactly as God intended them to be seen.

(Denny Crane: "Sometimes you can only look for answers from God and failing that... and Fox News".)

[McGavin999]

I agree. All the glamor has been taken out of flying.

[Nam Vet]

I'll sure ping Steyn. He's exactly right. It was feminism for sure that took the pleasure out of flying. That and the gay boys stomping their feet for equal representation.

Hell, when Braniff Airlines flew me into Ton Son Nhut (Saigon) to go to war and back home again, the 'stews' were foxy young round butts in mini-skirts. A stewardess was probably among the most well groomed lookers in America. Even those with average looks were foxes, as well groomed and dressed as they were. The uniforms flattered the female attributes.

Nam Vet