Posted on 12/17/2004 9:25:01 AM PST by John Robertson
No advice, just best wishes for you, you wife and your daughter! Good luck, FRiend!
Sending prayers of strength and change for you and your daughter. May the Lord help her to Heal this disorder and be at peace.
This is a very serious issue and best for her to be away from school and in a professional 'eating disorder clinic' where the awful truth is dealt with head-on by professionals who work with educating and helping the family also.
Her life, if this is true, could be hell for years to come if not dealt with immediately.
It is terrible and emotional for the family---Just as drugs or alcohol.....But you will get through this and be stronger.
God BLess.
See your family lawyer and have a simple power of attorney drawn up for your daughter to sign(notarize the signature)Without this the Dr.'s,Pharmacies and Colleges can refuse you all information on your daughter even though you are paying the bills.I have this on my 23 year old law student and her 20 year old sister.I have never had a minutes problem with either but recent privacy laws enacted by the idiots in Congres(both parties) made it an imperitive.
My 14-year-old daughter is also thin and avoids eating. She doesn't eat breakfast because she says it makes her sick. I believe this is a result of anxiety from dealing with some of the less friendly girls at the school when she arrives in the morning. She's always antsy about how they will treat her that day, what mood they will be in, etc. I called the school about it and they are intervening on her behalf and she is eating better at home, but still not breakfast. I don't see what she eats at lunch, but she describes only light things like yogurt, etc. Sometimes she'll eat chicken fingers. However, when she's together with her dearest friend she ravages popcorn, etc. I am wondering if solid friendships with other females helps combat anorexia. Most of the women I have known with eating problems have not had close relationships with their peers. At night, she does eat a good dinner, although small portions. Then again, some of it is because she is a small person.
Society's emphasis upon thinness ("You can never be too rich or too thin") is partially responsible for these girls' strained self-images.
However, as a parent, I am always looking at myself to see if I am somehow sending a message that thin-is-in or that she has to achieve some lofty goal.
Eating disorders are critical issues for today's young women and cannot be ignored. You and your family will be remembered in our prayers and most positive thoughts.
A few suggestions in case this is not at a clinical state already.
1) Digital photos of her now and make a slide show including current photos and past Christmases. Don't need to say anything, she can see it.
2) Have her help in planning meals for the family and eat as a family. Even if she isn't hungry, make sure she is included in the dinner time.
3) Let her know you are concerned, but not in a joking or offhanded way. Be direct. Ask her what her weight goals are and if she says "until I look good" remind her that what she sees in the mirror can be modified in her mind. Have her choose a flat weight number and make sure that both you and her look up whether that is a healthy weight for her height. If it is under a healthy weight, make sure you again let her know that you are concerned that she might be depressed or having an image problem.
4) Stay in contact. If weight is an issue for her, it should be an issue for you. Ask her what she is weighing when you talk to her and if she is dropping below a healthy weight continue to show concern. Get her friends at school to help with this. Since she is over 18, you can't force her to do a lot, but you can encourage her to get professional help on her own. She needs to know that her family is supportive and concerned. That alone may give her the self-esteem boost she needs to get help if she can't pull out of this destructive behavior alone.
5) Pray. Pray with her and pray for her about this issue. Again, you showing serious concern for this might help her see the seriousness of the issue.
I didn't mean "touchy" literally. Just the overly supportive, endlessly affirming the patient's "feelings" type, who often let patients (not just anorexics) avoid confronting unpleasant facts for as long as they want. I don't believe that an anorexic patient benefits by having an "understanding" therapist who listens/responds supportively to endless rambling by the patient about her feelings, self-image, yadda, yadda, and never stops the patient, saying "Hey, that makes no sense, here are the facts, you need to stop thinking that nonsense".
Get expert advice. She will need people who are trained in dealing with anorexia/bulemia because it is a very complex psychological problem. True anorexics are very resistant and often don't see a problem; to the point of manipulation and dishonesty.
Clues that someone is anorexic is distorted body image- "I am SO fat" when they look like a skeleton. Anorexia is about control by some who feels out of control, and they get their affirmation from the scales. Literally what they see in the mirror is nothing like what they look like.
Other clues could be frequent weighing, excessive exercise, excessive sleeping, avoidance of foods or groups of foods to the extreme, manipulating food on the plate or even hiding food to make it look like they are eating. It can include the abuse of some drugs (which came first-chicken or egg?) and laxitives.
They will show nutritional obsession to the extreme. The joke in my profession is they know more about nutrition than anyone on the planet because food (and the control of it) is their total focus. They can quote fat grams, carbs, calories etc like a computer.
Again, find those who are experts in the condition and know what to look for. It can be hard to treat, but it can be beat. My prayers are with you and your family.
Normal, modest clothing looks best on a nicely shaped, natural woman. However, outre "hip" clothing looks best on the hanger or on someone as scrawny as a hanger. People should force their daughters to avoid skimpy "hip" clothing anyway, as it does turn girls into sex objects in the eyes of those who see them.
It will have to be between her and a doctor...I hate to say this but maybe, just maybe all of your "good intentions" or high expectations, may have pushed her over an edge.
I am by NO MEANS blaming you, but do know, mental health issues in young adults are not the manifest of a peer problem, generally it is the result of too much pressure from parents.
She needs help, be willing to LISTEN if the doctor asks you and your wife to step back a bit...it may be painful but you have to save your daughter.
BTW a hug goes a long way...say nothing, just a hug. Don't ask her WHY, she doesn't know yet. Don't ask her to stop, subconsciencly she may not realize she is rebelling.
A hug and kiss...keep all YOUR fears and wishes behind your lips.
I think there is something to what you are saying. The curvy women don't appear anymore except On Spanish TV and some places still in Europe. Its been wiped out in much of America; probably for the exact reason of who runs the industry now.
We just found out that she has anemia. It's bad and she'll have a long road to recovery, but she should be alright. There are many illnesses that will cause the appetite to go to hell until they are found and treated. Anemia, some cancers, gall bladder problems, stomach bacteria. Then we have hormonal problems. Addison's disease and diabetes are the two that come to mind. Some medications will have an effect on the appetite and some people are more sensitive to them than others. Some parasites will mess a healthy body up terribly. There are many more things than I can think of right now, and a few that I won't mention so as not to alarm you, but this should be the first consideration.
*If* she does have an underlying physical problem, she probably has done what my mom did. In the beginning, "Hey! I'm loosing weight without trying! This is great!" Then, a few months later, "Wow! I'm in a size 6! I've never been a six!" And finally, "OK. My size 6's are falling off. Maybe I ought to think about this."
Before you do *anything* get her a full physical. CBC, hormone levels, Blood Glucose, and everything else that can possibly be looked at.
This depends on the state.
Florida has something called the Baker Act that allows involuntary commitment for an evaluation period without a court order.
http://www.dcf.state.fl.us/mentalhealth/laws/index.shtml
I don't know. My grandmother had my stepdad hospitalized against his will. The doctors treated him against his will. They even pulled out all of his teeth and replaced them with dentures against his will. All she needed to do was get a doctor to say that he was not rational and incapable of making decisions for himself (he was completely out of his gourd) and they took over.
Some psychiatrists are great, sensitive, effective therapists.
Some are 98% pill pushers, period.
I've had a lot of experience with family members who have anorexia and I have also read quite a lot in the scientific literature about it. As you suggest it is very important to take this seriously, but not everyone who claims to be able to treat anorexia is really effective. I'm kind of busy right now, but I'll send you all the details by freepmail tonight (PST).
I AGREE.
But I did want to make the point about touch anyway.
THX MUCH.
Continuously reinforce that you love her through your words and deeds. Guard against anger at all costs. Don't say anything that suggests you're angry, and work hard not to show it. You don't need to be judgmental in regard to anything about her. She's way ahead of you on that score. Try not to let it show if you find her appearance alarming. For the time being, share all of these thoughts and fears and feelings with your wife. I know it won't be easy, but adhering to these attitudes and actions will likely make it easier for you to guide her towards a professional situation.
Glad to hear that your wife is working to find help for your daughter. As you clearly recognize, anorexia needs to be handled by professionals.
Good luck and God bless. Please keep us posted on your progress.
Unfortunately, this is completely out of my area of expertise.
All I can offer are my prayers, and consider that done.
Been there, done that.
My Mom used to force feed me chocolate shakes in the morning with raw eggs for protien.
Bottom line is that there are underlying issues that need to be addressed, THAT IS FOR SURE!
With your support and love, she will overcome.
God Bless and my prayers are with you and your daughter.
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