Accounts of exchanges: airline pilots and control towers around the world! (TOO FUNNY!)

Private Email | DECEMBER 10, 2004 | Unknown

[Sam Cree]

funny stuff, no wonder I don't like flying much, though.

[Arthalion]

where as the B-52 has eight engines. and if it is minus 1 it can still fly as long as it has fuel..

I was once told by a former B52 pilot that they can actually maintain flight with as few as four engines...as long as they aren't all on the same wing!

[Americanwolf]

Yeah, most multi engine aircraft like that are designed to be able to remain airborne at 50% of availble engines... once again as long as they are not on the same side of the aircraft.... (if the were all on the same side it was cause incredible torque that would try to rip the plane apart.

[Oberon]

bump for later.

[DustyMoment]

Before NAS Dallas was closed, the following occurred after several jet fighters had flown past the tower after receiving permission to "boom" the tower. The pilot of an Army single engine trainer (a Cessna) decided he wanted to play and called the tower:

Army trainer: Dallas tower, Army Tango three fife niner, request permission to boom the tower.

Dallas tower (somewhat incredulous): Army Tango three fife niner, if you can boom the tower, permission granted.

Curious, the tower crew watched as the Army trainer slowly approached the tower. Finally, the Army Cessna was abeam the tower and the pilot picked up his microphone.

Army trainer: BOOM! BOOM!

[OldCorps]

bump

[trussell]

Ping!

[DustyMoment]

Yeah, most multi engine aircraft like that are designed to be able to remain airborne at 50% of availble engines... once again as long as they are not on the same side of the aircraft.... (if the were all on the same side it was cause incredible torque that would try to rip the plane apart.

Not necessarily true. I flew on P-3s (the old Lockheed Electra) with four turbo-props and the plane was designed to be able to fly on one engine.

Of course, the P-3 has the glide capabilities of a brick, so it doesn't fly well on one engine, but it can maintain sufficient airspeed and altitude to avoid flying into a hot dog stand. Many other aircraft have the same capability.

[Americanwolf]

I stand corrected, but I also thought with the p-3's it flew under the same theroy as the A-6 and F-14.. the plane is so damn ugly the earth rejects it. :)

[meyer]

Hopefully, my flame retardant underwear will protect me from all of the "bus drivers" I just po'ed out there in freeperland....

Hail to the bus driver - he needs it. :)

Great topic - I enjoyed the humor.

[DustyMoment]

Ah, ye who lack JP-4 in the bloodstream . . . .

There are many uglier aircraft than the P-3. The A-6 and EA-6B lead the pack, but you haven't seen ugly if you never saw a C-97 or s Super Guppy . . . . . . which is a C-97 only uglier!

[B4Ranch]

Subject: FLYING AGAIN SOON?

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

[B4Ranch]

Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?

[Temple Owl]

Can't you say anything nice about anything?" How do you feel about 1964 Rambler station wagons?

[jettester]

That was the real test for the 777 when going for ETOPs - two engines, one on each wing, shut one down and fly for 90 minutes. Having been part of flight crews on other "adventures" such as that, an extra pair of skivvies are required in your flight bag. The "pucker factor" for that flight would have pegged the meter...

BTW, the old saying at MDC was that the "F4 was living proof that engineers could make rocks fly with enough thrust."

[Mr. Jeeves]

LOL! I like this one, from Herb Caen's San Francisco Chronicle column a few years back. On a United flight from Cleveland descending into SFO, the captain allegedly said: "Please return your flight attendants to their original upright positions." ;)

[Robe]

Another just came to me......

Female Voice.."(Insert Airline and Number here)..how about direct Boston...Loran Equipped " (It was way back then)

Unknown male voice " Hey Wally, if that's you , your seat belt's too tight"

[secret garden]

Take two tablets at least 20 minutes before you board and bring a pillow. It works.