Answer, but No Cure, for a Social Disorder That Isolates Many

NY Times ^ | April 29, 2004 | AMY HARMON

[RSmithOpt]

You are completely on the nose. When all the adult emotions wake up in us as teens and we begin to grow, it's tough for all kids without anything like AS. It's a tenfold problem for those who have it. Hopefully, as time goes on, his confidence within/about himself will grow strong. I also believe the socialist doctrine trying to be beat into our kids while in school and the liberal media, makes this type of affliction much worse. I am amazed at how much teens are bombarded with advertising to "be cool and 'in' like ever body else". That's the wrong message being sent to all kids IMHO. Hang in there.

[tiamat]

Same here, FRiend.

Hang in there!

[tiamat]

Your step-daughter is lucky to have you!

A lot of autistic, Aspberger's kids are musical. Caitlin has a nice singing voice, and can memoris lyrics in a snap, but has no real interest in persuing it!



You go right ahead and talk about yourself as much as you like!

You are amongst friends!

[sarasota]

If you really want to know, seek out a psych who specializes in autistic disorders. When my daughter went in for the diagnosis, the doctor gave her a simple questionnaire and within 15 minutes she had a diagnosis. It's really obvious to a good specialist. There's lots of information online if you want to look further.

[SamAdams76]

I also have this as well as a mild case of Tourette's syndrome. I've never discussed it here before because I don't want to appear to be making a "victim" of myself. But it isn't easy. I still try to avoid social events as much as possible because I always freeze up at them and never know what to say. When I try to be witty, it never comes off well. So I retreat off to a corner by myself. But I have improved at "small talk" and I am much less socially awkward than I used to be. But I'll never be the "glad-handing back-slapping" type so I just don't try to be.

I actually do much better in more intimate social settings (with less people) - especially with people that I know and are comfortable with. But with strangers, I almost never make a good first impression. This has hurt my career too. But so it goes.

As for the Tourette's, I was made fun of unmercifully in school because of my twitching. Fortunately I never had the more extreme case that involves involuntary swearing (but the urge is there). In fact, I make it a point to never even swear on purpose, it helps keep it under control.

Anyway, I don't want to dwell on it. It did make me a much stronger person and while childhood was a torture, I've had a terrific adult life so I got no major complaints and a lot to be thankful for.

[tiamat]

Travis, you are right.

And Fitz, my daughter DOES cry... she dsperately wants to fit in... and just can't ...

Just because they are mis-wired doesn't mean that they do not, or cannot have feelings or empathize.


Caitlin is one of the most tender-hearted girls you would ever meet. She is SO good with animals... almost psychic that way.

She just ha a really hard time reading people, and so she does and says innappropriate things.

[RSmithOpt]

Now divorced at 47, I made a choice not to turn my back on my brother (48) who maybe had/has AS with an IQ around 90. It cost me my marriage/relationship for 19 yrs. While growing up, my brother, could remember EVERY LYRIC to all the Beatles songs from 1963-1968, sing them, tell me who wrote it, what album it was on and what year it came out. He could also watch a cartoon, then draw scenes from it repeating ALL the dialog. He was put in special ed classes from second grade up and managed to get his GED. He served 11 years in the Army, has only had one girlfriend ever and has never married. He drives an 18 wheeler now, is HAZMAT II certified making $60K a year.

Anyway, he knows trucking and NASCAR. Hand him a 1040EZ to fill out, solve a simple geoemtry problem, or have him write an essay and he is completely lost.

Anyway, in a 16 month period starting 6/2001, Randy came to stay for awhile with me and the ex....I could tell something wasn't right with him though he was driving local and roommate with a single friend; Dad had 2 major surgeries, 8/03/01 then 01/19/02; brother had surgery 9/08/01, Mom (step mom actually)had surgery on 9/11/01, wife left on 11/02/01 to have an affair with an ex-friend / neighbor of 6yrs. whose wife I buried and was a pallbearer for 8/25/2000; 11 yr old lab I raised from 6 weeks old, Luke, died Christmas night 12/25/01; the company I worked for layed off 40% its workforce 04/2002; Dad died 9/18/2002.

I was told by the ex that my brother is nothing but a pain in the rear, I didn't have any energy or time for her or our friends, didn't care about her feelings the summer of 2001 while working for 8 weeks straight with no days off 65-70 (big project)hours with 1/2 day off for Dad's first surgery. I told the ex that RAndy had no place to go or anyone else to help with his recovery since Mom was occupied with Dad's recovery.

So, after that, my brother is now my permanent roommate I see every 3 weeks. All I can say is, so guess who was there for me when I needed someone? Randy was. He was there and has been for me to share my pain (listen) through the separation and divorce because he did not go back to driving until 06/2002. Randy and I were adopted in Germany 56 and 57 from different single mothers. He and I never knew our biological parents. If not for the strengths given to me and my brother by my (adopted)Dad and step mom, guess I could have folded on my own emotions.

So, 'T' sometimes we all have inner strengths we're not even aware of and of those around us. Life will just test us from time to time. It's amazing what we can learn about ourselves and life from those "quirky" people we love so much. And sometimes, those that seem so "normal" can really fool you.

[tiamat]

That is SUCH a great story! Thank you for sharing it!

Your ex sounds like a real witch. I know it hurt at the time, but no loss to you not having her in your life now!

Your brother sounds terrific. Really hard worker and a good guy to have around.

I agree about the "normal" people, BTW!

I cherish and love my daughter, and would not have her any other way.

Thanks,

Tia

[Yaelle]

It's one of the more unpleasant things one can have..

No way! There are plenty worse things. My son is an Aspie. He has gifts and he has some difficulties. But I wouldn't trade him for anything. On the brain disorders side (to leave out cancer and all the other debilitating things), schizophrenia and bipolar are WAYYY worse.

[Eva]

My daughter recieved training in social skills from Orange County mental health people as part of her special education service, although she was never diagnosed as Aspergers. They just said that she had many of the same symptoms as an autistic child. They just handled each one of her disabilities separately because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. They just said that she was the most heavily effected (with learning disabilities) child that they had ever seen. She had a language deficit, dyslexia, dyscalclia, her eyes don't track together and something about her joints that I forget what it's called. Anyway the social skills training finally kicked in, she can now read better than a lot of other high school graduates and she works around the dyscalclia to some extent by using a calculator. I don't know if she is really Aspbergers, but I am sure my brother is and maybe I am too, a little.

[Yaelle]

Your son reminded me of mine. He doesn't want to be a computer programmer; he wants to be better and more successful than Bill Gates! LOL.

[annyokie]

You gotta love 'em! The thing I fear is that since he most likely won't be King the World, he'll settle for playing video games when he's 30.

No, I'm kidding. I think Bob has a great future ahead of him if we can keep him focused on the end game and not the process.

[Yaelle]

I couldn't bear it when my son was left out or picked on. I thought it did not help his life at all to be in that situation. I won't set him up for misery in his teens. So he is homeschooled. It made all the difference in the world. He can be himself and hopefully be happy about it.

[FITZ]

I was mostly referring to articles like this ---- I didn't hear Rush's show but I can see why he might have made fun of this. I wasn't referring to serious problem with communicating with people but rather labeling normal people as some kind of mental disorder when they're really one kind of normal. My kid is asocial --- he can communicate but he doesn't really relate to his peer group and doesn't choose to except as necessary but is happy without social interaction with them. Since he wanders around in his own little world and at age 14 has never made a phone call to anyone, never invited anyone over he could be mistakenly labeled.

I guess to me it's when people start saying they're successful but have this serious mental disorder --- because if you can't relate to society at least as needed then I don't see how you can succeed.

[Yaelle]

Travis, your son did not ever naturally mature out of the worst of the emotional highs and lows? My son's 1st 7 years were PURE HECK, if I may, but he is much evener now emotionally. Well, he WAS, from age 7 to 12. Now that he is 12 and hitting puberty, there are some real teary moments here and there, but not the horrible outbursts that you mention. I at one time wondered if he had bipolar, but now I know he does not. I am sorry you guys are going through all that. I hope it gets better.

[Yaelle]

How can a mild form really be a diagnosis? ...Just not being popular isn't an illness.

Believe me, you eventually figure out that your child is not like all the other children in quite varying ways, and when you hear of thousands of other kids who have those exact same differences, well, that makes for a diagnosis. Asperger's is definitely a syndrome. It has so much in common with autsim but with some drastic differences.

My son began picking out letters by his first birthday and was reading by 2.5. Reading ANYTHING, even the newspaper. He cracked the code in his head and read everything perfectly. You could read him a word like "tough" or "exponential" and that was it, he knew it for life. He understood even the most complex things very early.

He had two early obsessions. Before age 2 he was obsessed with what floor people lived on. He was obsessed with elevator buttons and floors. (We lived on the 6th floor of a high rise at the time.) By age 2, he had turned to cars. We could walk through a parking lot with him in his stroller and he would call out every single car's name and model. "Blue Foahd Tauwus" "white mewcedes benz" "gween jaguar" whatever. This may have been caused and assisted by the number of parking lots we were forced to spend hours in waiting for everyone else to finish their religious service or restaurant from which he was always hastily removed. We were thrown out of some of the nicest places. I shudder to recall my embarrassment.

And we were told by all sorts of "friends" and family members that "All he needs is a good swift kick in the pants." Finally I snapped, and hissed at one uncle "I could beat him until he was barely conscious and it would not make him change!" And indeed it would not have.

I only wish I would have known my son's diagnosis earlier. His talking at 9 months and being as verbal as a litigation attorney since then made it hard to fit autism to him. I only had him diagnosed at age 9. Sigh.

[FITZ]

Yes it is, when you are neurologically incapable of ever mastering normal social discourse, and your mistakes lead to scorn, humiliation and rejection.

That does sound like something different to me ---- that kind of problem --- a neurological incapability to accomplish social discourse would be serious and interfere with success. That I wouldn't argue with because that sounds like the classic definition of autism.

[FITZ]

My kid is definitely obsessed with science and electronics and I guess most people would call a lack of and disinterest in friends, parties, etc "abnormal", and the social disinterest often goes as far as not caring about grades --- it interferes with complete success at school but since he seems very happy --- even the teachers say that, what would you call that? The teachers admit he's well-adjusted but say he doesn't relate to his peers, has very little in common with them but they don't pick on him. Since he started school in fact kids caught on that he would be very happy if they brought him broken electronic items to take apart or try to fix and the other parents laugh when they meet me how when things break they have to take them to school to give to my son.

[RSmithOpt]

Rush is on again about this subject.....I think he misses the point about AS vs other types of autism.

[Triple Word Score]

Thank you for the ping.

I'm recovering from major surgery or I'd comment in more depth. God bless you both and your sons. It took me a long time to see Asperger's as a kind of spiritual armor rather than a disability first, but my son is less severely affected and hasn't ever shown that he is bothered by his social isolation. Highly verbal kids are a whole other world from the other end of that spectrum, but you know Heavenly Father made them perfect for what they're here to do and be....